Oprah Winfrey, the daytime queen of talk and weight loss minus the weight loss, has gained the weight back again.

Free-Ass. Press Podcast

Oprah Gains Weight Eating Her Own Ratings

14-year-old boys all over America are outraged that the Playboy channel still comes in fuzzy.

TV Goes Digital; Playboy Channel Still Fuzzy

Optimist International, commonly known as the Optimists, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.

Optimists File For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

GM unveiled its largest, heaviest, most-polluting, least fuel-efficient vehicle ever to hit American roadways.

State-of-the-Art Presidential Limo Boasts a Top Speed of 3

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has announced the publication of her new tell-all memoir, "I'm Black Too, Ya Know!"

Condi Rice Publishes Memoir:

"Take Your Child To Work Day" has been canceled in Afghanistan due to weather. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Afghanistan Cancels "Take Your Child To Work" Day

In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, President Barack Obama has canceled Black History Month for lack of funds. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Obama Cancels Black History Month

VP Biden's schedule is so packed with meaningless busywork that he is having trouble keeping up. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

VP Biden's Schedule Packed With Meaningless Busy Work

In another sign of the deepening economic recession Jimmy John's, the beloved sub sandwich shop that used to offer "Free Smells," will start charging $1 for them effective immediately. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Jimmy John’s Now Charging For Free Smells

With fuel prices in the U.S. now averaging four dollars per gallon, no one has been harder hit than NASA astronauts. To lessen that impact, NASA has announced that it will now allow its non-essential astronauts to telecommute. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices

According to a new study by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy, 70 percent of American Dental Association workers have "f***ed-up teeth." For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Study: 70% of American Dental Association Employees Have F***ed Up Teeth

The hostile takeover was a surprise to Folgers executives, who only found out about the sale after an English gentleman told them that he had secretly replaced the fine Procter & Gamble stock they usually hold with J.M. Smucker's stock. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

$3 Billion in Folger’s Stock Secretly Replaced With Smucker’s Stock

Big Bird, the well-known actor and bird, was arrested for driving under the influence this morning at the corner of Sesame Street and Steampipe Alley, just blocks from The Electric Company. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Big Bird Arrested for DUI

The federal government has begun mass-mailing preapproved offers for its new Federal Reserve Rewards MasterCard. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

US Treasury To Offer Federal Reserve Rewards Mastercard

The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

INDY 500 Drivers Upset; Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race

A daily news satire wire that believes that newspapers are for dog sh*t and bird cages. www.freeasspress.com

hubhopper

Free-Ass. Press Podcast

hubhopper