This week’s Podcast can be found here. As always earphones if you’re at work. http://www.archive.org/download/Fmce16/Fmce16_64kb.mp3See I told you guys BURNABY, British Columbia - A western Canadian school board's ban of the sale of so-called junk food has created a lucrative black market for several entrepreneurial students. The board in Burnaby, British Columbia, east of Vancouver, ruled out school sales of chocolate bars and other sugary treat at the beginning of the school year this month, but three high school students told the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. they've been making about $200 a week peddling "contraband" from their lockers. A Moscrop Secondary School student, who identified himself only by his Internet name Weeman, told the broadcaster he and his friends already have business cards and advertise their inventory on the Internet Facebook social networking site. Chairwoman Kathy Corrigan of the Burnaby Board of Education told the CBC a crackdown isn't in the works. "We are not going to come down hard on these students," she said. "I have to admire their entrepreneurial spirit."Source Bizzarre NewsThree disabled men, a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair, are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one shows. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair;. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and en-courages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is skeptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold ... NEW TIRES!Source LaffdayThe government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.Source Laffaday"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banks. One expert said it cost Americans $1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, 10 Bill Gateses and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." -Jimmy KimmelIn this life you should try everything once except for incest and folk dancing. – UnknownSit on my facebook - Stephen Fry(note I must use this work with this somehow....)Oh please let me keep reading I'm dying to know how it all turns out - Oscar Wilde (reading the crucifixion of Jesus)Why is alcoholism a dieses and not labeled as a genetic defect? I’ve never heard of someone catching alcoholism but I know that it runs in families isn’t that genetic.Rhinokey, BumbleLion, Croc, Moosel, ButterBear Why do I remember then names of some of the Wuzzels? And what is this stopping me from learning now?Studies show in the last 30 years men have tripled the amount of timethey spend with their kids and have doubled their amount of house work.Ladies what have you been up too?FMC random movie sceneGuy1: Wait was that feeding time or beating time?Guy2: I thought that you weren't suppose to beat kids anymore?Guy1: makes sense but at 10 at night you’re not hungry right?Guy2: Well sure but waking the guy up to beat him seems a bit shock and aw doesn't it?Sniff, sniff what the hell is that? Sniff that smells nasty. Sniff, sniff where the hellis that coming from? Sniff, sniff not there. Sniff not there, sniff, ahh here it is, SNNNIIFFFF yup that’s it! Man that’s disgusting. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! - This was an actual scene from my kitchen last week.Dungeons and dragons and I have a lot in common for examplefor me it was an hour but for them it was about 37 seconds. - FMCFMC T-Shirt Idea’sD&D players do it while role playingD&D players do it with critical success.D&D players do it only if they pass a charisma checkThere anit no party like a D&D party cause a D&D party don't quit*. *Unless it fails 3 saving throwsThis weekend I achieved something I've never done before I managed to put my foot in my mouth AND dig my own grave, this is a move slightly more difficult then shooting yourself in the foot and (something else)- FMCI could tell you but then i would have to kill you. This line seems way over used and should be changed to something far more imposing.I could tell you but then I'd have to set you on fire and rape your dog. - FMCLike shooting fish in barrel not so easy, now you need to wait 3 days for the gun, the fish would be the easy part. why not just knock over the barrel? - FMCPersonallyOfferingRealNudity - FMCFor Archives visithttp://fullmetalchickeneggs.blogspot.com/For those of you using iTunes, or any other podcast software you can subscribe to the podcast http://feeds.feedburner.com/FullMetalChickenEggs.

Full Metal Chicken Eggs

FMCE September 26, 2008‏

Thank You For Calling The Mental Health Hot Line... If you're obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you're a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you're paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call. If you're schizophrenic, please hold, and a little voice will tell you what to press. If you're depressed, it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.- MouthpieceAs for what to do with Osama bin Laden: Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostage’s to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither. Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.- Jokes2U 09/01/2008'The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.' --Russell Lynes KentuckyFreud Chicken. It's mother fucking good.SOUR Laffaday FMC versionKentucky Freud Chicken. It's penis licking good...I mean finger How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? - Random EmailOn a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. 'You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me; I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood , and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?' The Englishman said, 'Very sporting of your mother.' Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'God's last name is not dammit.- Patrick Warburton 'I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.' - Anonymous 'I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.' - Totie Fields 'My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.' - Jean RostandFMC ContributionsFMC Shirt ideaProgrammers do I.T. for a livingYah the grass maybe greener on the other side but that guys wife is a bitch.If I could back to high school knowing what I know now about the opposite sex I would probably have the nick name of the dehymenizer. I would be walking out after the first week leaving a trail of shattered hearts and twitching legs.The seven deadly sins we all know them but HERE is a fun way to pass a few days try and find those 7 little bastards in the bible. I knew the guy had a drinking problem when he asked the waitress to Irish up his cheerio's.Random FMC Movie sceneFour men jumped out of wagon and ripped off their disguises 3 pulling off mustaches one putting one back on. Sometime Karma is a really kick in the nuts. Other times it's a sucker punch fallowed by a tea bagging. Listen the fuck up ladies if before you meet a really great guy you had a lot of freaky one night stands and all that good stuff, DO NOT TAKE IT SLOW WITH HIM you owe it too him to be twice as wild and freaky as you were with Chet that drummer that you fucked while in the back seat of his touring van. AND if your not going to take this advice for fuck sakes don't tell the guy “hey I blew this one guy in a movie theater cause I was boarded” if you’re not going to blow the guy your with, if you have thoughts of being open and honest about your past don't bother just kick the guy in the nuts that would be a lot less pain full and don't forget to mention you've been with guys way WAY bigger, always a great way to let your man know his not a man at all.PunGay orgy = something that comes to blows. When you use a gift certificate and the person at the cash says ok you have 5.48 left on the card say FUCK YOU GIVE ME MY CHANGE then they'll say well we don't give change. Now here is the retort tell you what if I were to tell you to keep this as a tip you would find a way to give yourself that fucking change.I knew it was going to be a crazy night when we got back to her place and her bed had turn buckles. I always vote for the green party and i will for a long, long time and for one reason because the rest of you are too stupid to vote for the candidate that will do the best thing for all of us. And when I say the rest of you let me be clear I am talking to YOU.HPV vaccineIt's so stupid that some people think this will lead to more sex like just after the girls get these shots there stripping down and getting busy. Now I think I missed something isn't this drug suppose to prevent cancer? Now I’ve read a lot about sex heard a lot about sex talked a lot about sex and had the pleasure a few times myself, but never have I heard that sex causes cancer.I love when people tell stories especially when they have some kind of messageHere is one my dad used to tell me.Jim saved his money and gave it some to charity..Bob spent spent spent.Jim was run over by a prison truck and Bob married a porn star who’s fatherowner a Ferrari dealership.

FMCE Sept. 19, 2008

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks his dick through the bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'" "Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."SOUR LaffadayLast week I did big foot and week before that I did the Kennedyassasination this is alien abduction. Last night i watched somethingon alien abduction and UFO's, and while watching the abduction partsomething struck me as wrong and I could figure out what it was.We've all heard the stories person walking along or something getsbrought on board and probed with devices and needls, put back on the groundand then the person forgets the hole thing only to have it brought upunder hipnosys. And then it hit me why are these beings using needls.I mean if they are capable of coming here from a place the we can't seethen surely they are addvanced enought to not have to use something as primativeas needls. And surely if they are so intersted in us and studing usthen they should be able to work out an anistec that doesn't wear off.FMCIf the greatest alcoholic drink in the unisverce was like gettinghit with a solid gold brick up side the head with a lemon on it thiswas it's opposit. Or to describe it, like being hit in face withbaseball bat of poo with a lime wedge. FMCWhy is it when there is a war on people with sacrific and money poars in from the government. When wars start up you don't here well this will cost us so many billionsbut when we need to save our selves from the things we've been doingit suddenly becomes all about the money never mind the fact thatsome countries (cough US cough) could use abit of a kick in the asseconomicaly. Take our neibours to the south and see what happenedswhen they through out 10 billion dollars for nucular power plantsand a soloar system that will cover just about al there needs.Oh and don't bring up the battery thing there are batteries out therethat can power cars for what most people they've been around for years.Oh and cutting fuel costs now sure easy annouce in 2 years taxes will doubleon gas and no tax on deisle then maybe we'll see all the deisle carsand trucks that europ have come flying over here, the mass transit costswill go down then maybe we can get some that work in this courty outside of Ottawa and Toronto.CollegeWho should pay for a childs collegeFirst let me start off by explaining my exp and then go from thereI want to do this becuase alot of people when giving there views don't tell you there past.I paid my own way in hightschool i pissed away all my money the i made each summerand had next to nothing the summer before i started I word from May - Oct(i think)for just a dollar more then minum wage (7.10-8.00 at the time i think) 35 hours a weeki had enought saved to go and paid for all my own stuff. My parents paid my insurancefor the car that i drove i used my dads car and i paid for gas thy feed me and didn't charge me rent. After school i came home and did nothing i had no money and worked at a car wash till i was fired thankfully beforewinter started.I was broke when we got out from may-sept and got a great paying jobfor the rest of my time in college, and graduated with no debts.Now for the questions who should pay for a childs collegeFirst off that's a bad question who's paying for my kids college is noneof YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, if you think i shoudl pay FUCK you if you think mykid should pay i'll tell them to say FUCK YOU to you just a soon as they can.Now on to the meat of issue should the parents pay yes and no, should the child have to payyes and no should both partent and child find a way to pay that works out best for the childyes.This is what needs to be done the child needs to know how much their paretns will paywhen they enter highschool that way they know how much money is on there ass. The rest needsto be either worked for with blood, sweat, tears, and mybe a donated kidney, OR come from a loan.There is nothing wrong with being in debt over getting higher education absolutly nothing and I havenever heard one case where that is untrue.Kids spend most of there time from 13-18 saying how much they want freedom and when 18 rolls aroundsay so wheres my money for college this seems abit like cake and eat it too type thing.But parents should help if they can and not break there own banks to do it. Also as much as thechild deservses, a parent with a lazy ass kid and gimme gimme attitiude have nothing close to moral obligation to get that basard through film school.Actually i think parents would be better off paying for moreof second year then first give them something to work for and an insentive to get throughI saw to many people drop out of my college class to not have some sort of observation like thisas did everyone who has been through univeristy or collage.my course started out with 200 and ended with45 a small few got jobs and didn't need a paper others graduated and didn't get jobs because of the econoy.I'm going to tel my kid if you don't know what you want to do don't go to college work and figure things outthen go when you know what you want to do that way you have a better footing yes you will be in debt but if your doingsomething you love to do not something you thought that you would love to do it makes everything easier. You know the honey moon is over when shes says "can you atleast wait till I'm asleep!"FMCCar Insurance: A government required protection service through a company that gets mad when you what you paid for.If the government wants to decrease the number of guns out there why don't they just make everyonethat owns one get insurance. This would be a hole lot simpler for everyone far less cost to the tax payers,well except for the 10 studies that will be needed to see if it's fesable, and of course all the time they will need to find a suitable no bid contract for a test market. The insurance companies will be happy and they can now go out with there ruthless efficany to inforce this. Gun owns woudl still have to register there guns but i'm betting an insurance companywould be able to do it way faster. Then when someone has to go buy a gun they need to get the insurance and provide the paper work and there rates go up the more guns they have and then if something happeneds to the gun they boughtlike it's shoot there insurance goes WAY up.I want to be able to either through my work or through my business be ablt to afford the kind of health insurance that if I ever find myselfneeding a hospital stay other patents are knocked out of my way as I'm wheeledthrough the halls.FMC T-Shirt Ideas4 women in burca's standing in a line with a phrase"I'll tkae whats behind curtian number 3"Say what you will about China but atleast they are opressing their own people.I love it when an american slams China about human rights, I can't wait for someChinese comic to point out that yah well when we are gather up strengh we are notcommiting genoside on 2 different peoples and umpteen different tribes steal there landthen create a great land on the backs of a people brough there for the purpose.I knew he was going to be good realeastate manager when we were kidsand we played monopoly. He owned everything on the board then bought outtwo other boards through home refinasing lones and government grants. If could walk away not owing him 5 bucks it was a good game.A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a nakedyoung woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked. "I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when allyou've got is that naked young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong," the man replied, "That's Michelle."Unsuccessful German Restaurants: LuftWaffle House BlintzKrieg What-a-Braten BurgerKraut Dolph & Eva's Secret Garden Mein Kaffe Reich's Chris Steakhouse Just-Stop-O Burgermeister & Jerry'sQuick piece of addivce for all you single gals out there if your under 30 and you want to wear a smell like a perfum or somethingwear something fruity or flowery. Don't over think this one you can try and go for somethingabit more safisticated but at that point you risk getting into mom and women smells.For you ladies over 30 where something classy don't try the fruity stuff if it's in youconditioner or your body wash fine but your better then that stuff as your main smell.I wonder what has the better rate of getting teenagers cleanRehab centers Like the Top top top of the lineorthe military inclueding military schoolI wonder what profession has the most accuracyweather peopleorfinancail advisorsTop ten DVD's that category bugs teh shit out of meI'll tell you why 10 movies fine but top 10 DVD's well nowwe are not ust talking movies now the extra features are on the table and at top of my list for that would be the lord of the ringstriogly I lump them togther becuase they are just one big ass moviebut i tell you what this is best DVD becuase you can just watch themaking of the lord of the rings and sit back and fantasis thatthey did make the movie i had hoped they would.Red flags for how to tell if your in a bad relashonshipIf before you get out of car to meet your person you say to your selfhhhmmm I wonder what will happen today and you do that more then 2 times a week.thats badSmurfs ass hair as a unit of measre ment

FMCE August 22, 2008

Full Metal Chicken Eggs Friday, June 13th, 2008Now Available! FMCE in PODCAST - All the funny none of the reading!Click here: http://www.archive.org/download/Fmce13/Fmce13.mp3Warning: Content is not “work friendly” so headphones are recommended.For those of you using iTunes, or any other podcast software you can subscribe to the podcast: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FullMetalChickenEggs.Did you ever notice how busy you can be when your boss has nothing for you to do?Thanks and Enjoy!FMC"I bought a dictionary and the first thing I looked up was the word 'dictionary'. It said, 'You're an asshole.'"-Demetri MartinJust RememberWhen you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, [even if retired you have those sometimes] try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!Source: bounce-jokes2u.comAnti-climax – that’s what my uncle was good at!-George CarlinAfter what I wrote last week about weddings, wedding plans and wedding planners, I decided to look up those topics on wiki to see what they said. Wedding, according to Wikipedia is described as FUCK STEVE!!!Also, you can go from thong underwear to Bill Clinton in two clicks on Wikipedia.I think there should be at least one game where every time a team increases the score the person that did so can punch any one of the opposing team members once. I know that would make curling more fun.For more of FMCE and to view past issues or to listen to old podcasts please visithttp://fullmetalchickeneggs.blogspot.com/For the podcast just click the title of the issue.

Full Metal Chicken Eggs June 13th, 2008

Sorry for the time between the full metal chicken eggs but this isn't totally my fault. The biggest reason why I haven't put anything out is that I could find much out there to put in. Seriously this took me three weeks of poking around to find this and write my musings as well. So without any more input from me away we go.Enjoy FMC Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to hold my penis, I mean the ladder.SOUR LaffadayIn the nursing home one evening, the old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man. "Get serious," she replied. "Four Times in the rocking chair."SOUR LaffadayOne nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about otherpeople."---George Carlin Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911Performance Reviews This quote is reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluation in a large US Corporation. "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity." SOUR http://www.funnylists.net/jokes.php?action=read&id=932T-Shirt Idea for DrunksSo if Boi Fuel is made from corn and distilledthen...I'm eco freindly – FMC With all the soothing elegance and calmness of a prison riot,made by monkeis, with lots of poo. - FMCto which she responded with words that only could be said on HBO or possiblely Show Time but only after 10 o'clock. - FMCAfter my girlfriend tells me that something I’m thinking of doing is stupid, points out why it won’t work or the flaw in it, I usually wonder why women think that being better then men is such an out of reach goal. But I’m sure this is not a new thought to any women that has lived with a man and witnessed the act of a man throwing his underwear up with his toes and trying to catch it on his head. – FMCLet me make it clear to all of you right now. If I'm ever in a comma the first thing that I want to know when I wake up is; Is Keith Richards still alive? - FMC

FMCE May 16, 2008

Hi how are you all today? Hope things are going well? What…..you want jokes? Is that all I am to you……..something for your amusement. I have feelings too you know……what if I don’t want to tell any today? What would you do then? Well fortunately for you I know my place…..and that’s trying week after week to make whatever it is your eating or drinking right now come out your nose. SO toss you quarters up on the table and watch this monkey go.EnjoyFMCJoan: “You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking. He would just make snide remarks.”Mary: “Like what?”Joan: “He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?" “Source: Jokes2U 03/31/2008These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.''Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.''If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.''If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.''Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.''You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?''Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?''Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.''The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?''Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.''Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.''In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC..''How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?''No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.''I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'AND THE WINNER IS....'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here..'Source: Random Email…The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director.""Tradition is what you get when you don't have the time or the money to do it right."-Kurt Herbert Adler (1905-1988)These are a few posts on the penny-arcade forum under the thread called strange and embarrassing.There have been about 3 times that I've found myself in the Giggle Loop with my wife. It usually starts with her going in for the passionate kiss, and me finding myself laughing on the inside- for no reason. Then, the whole "glasses on top of glasses" image pops into my head, and I start shaking. She breaks off the hotness, and glares at me- and then I just lose it.It usually ends with her saying "god damn it" and walking off.That happened to me once, but I kept managing to get it under control, at which point she would try to kiss me again. Of course, this would cause me to laugh uncontrollably once again. It went on for at least 5 minutes before she finally walked away in disgust. Sigh.When I first started dating my ex-wife, Saturday Night Live was on while we were having fun and Kevin Spacey was host and was doing an impression of Christopher Walken as Han Solo. I was lucky I ever got to have sex with her again.She's. Fast enough. For you. Old MAN...Remember that XKCD comic with the Power Rangers song from last Monday? Well, 2 days before that, a friend of mine was having sexy time with his girlfriend, when the Imperial March starts playing on her computer. Apparently it kind of killed the mood for a bit.My response was "Dude, you should have just started saying in a really deep voice, "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? I AM your daddy!"orbusted out some "We got death stars!"This post was followed by the following"I can't find the exhaust port! I can't find the exhaust port!!!!!!!!!!!!!""But it's two meters wide!"That would get you one hell of a slap.That's no moon...I'm trying to work in a Jek Porkins reference, but I can't quite pull it out."Staaaay on target, staaaay on target!"Loosen up!"Negative! Negative! It didn't go in! It just impacted on the surface!"It came from... Behind.... yyyeaaarghh....The moral of these stories is that I need to learn to suppress memories much more efficiently.-GIM Penny Arcade ForumKagera wrote:“You know what's strange? Having people from your childhood telling you what an asshole you were when you thought you were the nice guy. Friends even. And then going through all your memories and finding out they were right, you were a douche. Then realizing you probably still are a douche.Aquabat wrote: Yeah, when I was 4 my penis was my second favourite toy. My first was my Thunder Punch He-man. The best moments of my childhood was when I combined both of those.Stilist wrote: You punched your own wang?Aquabat wrote: Thunder punchedAnd here is the post that I will be submitting to that threadThe summer before this incident I was working in the restaurant of this local amusement park and my job consisted of taking out the garbage and sweeping up. The garbage bags were pretty heavy and I got pretty good at throwing full garbage bags (20 pounds) up into the compactor (about 7 feet up and 10 feet away) after the quick realization that 7 day old fast food and 30 degree heat gave the area around it a smell that was on the high end of the funk-o-meter.Now on with the story it's a year later and I'm cleaning the bathrooms - a much better job than cleaning up food (better pay, better hours and better boss) - and it's the men’s room so far less mess. Anyway this day one of the guys says he has to leave early and asks for me to close up the bathrooms for him. I say ok but make arrangements for him to close for me a night later. So I'm alone and I'm on the last of the 4 bathrooms, the one that is closest to the punch clock but usually the worst to clean up because it's closest to the water park. Everything’s done and I just need to change the garbage in the change room. Now the change room has a baby change table so the change room garbage always has 5 or 10 dirty diapers making it far heavier then the others (the other generally just have a few pieces of food but are full of wet paper towel) which was why I left it for last. So, I change it out and it being a long weekend, it is a bit fuller than normal - it's about 15 pounds of dead weight in a very small package. Now the last thing I need to do is walk the garbage bag full of baby poo over to the gate, open the gate, drop the garbage bag on the ground anywhere on the other side and punch out. I don't even have to stop, there is no way a normal person can screw this up.But I'm a teenager, and I’m male, and most of all I’m ME. Normal is what I swore I would be after I did this. So I'm walking towards the gate (10 feet high) and my brain says to me"I bet we could get this bag over the gate.""NO!” I say back to my brain."Why not?” says my brain “These bags aren’t any heavier than the ones from last year, and besides you've been working out.""Ok, you’ve got a point," I say."And that fence isn't that high and this thing is double bagged...come on you can do it or have you gone soft, you pussy?”"Yah I can" I think.But if I'm going to do this, if I'm going go through with this stupendous act of bad judgment then by god, I'm going to do it right.So looking around and making sure that no one was in the immediate area I grabbed the bag with both hands and give it a good 720 degree spin around me let go AND…….HELL YA it clears the fence.But I don't hear the expected, satisfying thump of the bag landing on the other side. So running up to the fence I find that my boss is now occupying the space directly under the garbage bag and that is when my body took over and ran my ass the long way around to my car and I took off, swearing the whole time, and trying to figure out what to do from the safety of my parents couch.The next day the guy that I took over for got fired. Turns out that he didn't punch out and my boss just assumed that I had forgotten to. And from that day forth I've been trying to be normal. And then this happened…FMCAfter doing my Taxes this weekend I had this ideaAre taxes a form of charitable giving?Well it could be let me check off a few things about taxes.First, they go to a large, non profit organization (a.k.a. “The Government).As we all know, the government doesn't make money - those who run it do - but the actual government not so much, very much like a charity.Those who run the biggest charities have huge salaries much like the government.Most of our taxes goes towards a lot of causes and also office work and facilities - a lot like charities.Money goes to flood victims, feeding the poor, education, health care, infrastructure of all of this, and I'm willing to bet, a few other countries that need it. Much like other charities.You can give more taxes to the charity known as “The Government” by buying booze (I think 50% of alcohol's price is hidden tax) and lottery tickets. Now if only we could get the government to fund the right things – we could all go on a drinking bender and wake with the hangover from hell knowing that somewhere, underprivileged children were getting better education because of it. - FMC

Full Metal Chicken Eggs Friday, March 28, 2008‏

Full Metal Chicken Eggs Friday, March 28, 2008Now Available! FMCE in PODCAST - All the funny none of the reading!Click here: http://www.archive.org/download/Fmce2/Fmce2.mp3Warning: Content is not “work friendly” so headphones are recommended.For those of you using iTunes, or any other podcast software you can subscribe to the podcast: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FullMetalChickenEggs.Thanks and Enjoy!FMCTwo old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For two bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"“You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars.As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd."How did it go?" asked his friend."Great!" he said, "I WON FIRST PRIZE AS A DRIED ARRANGEMENT!!!"Source: Jokes2U 03/22/2008Nobody ever said teenagers were smart. An 18-year-old in Wisconsin had seven dump truck loads of snow delivered by the city to his parent's front yard so he could build a 34-foot long igloo. Dan Meyer said he used his 10 years of snow construction experience to form the snow into a massive snow fort that reaches above the first story of his parents' home."I was just amazed by how much one load was," Meyer said. "Then I piled it up and called them for more loads." Jeff Harding, assistant superintendent of public works for Neenah, said the city occasionally gets requests for truck- loads of snow, but this was the first instance he knew about where the snow went toward a construction project. "We backed up in the front yard and dumped away, just like we would at our dump site," he said. "It's really like, 'My God, what are you doing with all this snow?'"Dan's father was reported as saying that if all that snow floods the damned basement when it melts he is going to slap the taste out of Dan's mouth.Source: Bizarre News 03/22/2008With the Supreme Court trying to determine whether the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution really says that we can keep and bear arms, the following is quite interesting...1. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.2. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (Calculation: Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services).3. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.4. The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500. (Calculation: The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188. Statistics courtesy of FBI)Therefore, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.Source: Bizarre News 03/22/2008Headlines I'd Like to SeeHells’ Angel Raped During Pride ParadePresident Gored by BullSenior arrested for stealing from and mistreating staff at old age homeRapist Raped by Police OfficerTrump Horrible Lay Says Ex-WifeHugh Hefner Dead - His Penis For Sale on eBayMcDonalds Sells Deep Fried S*&T – LiterallyFirst Iraq Strip Club OpensIraq Strip Club Still Standing After 1000 DaysVatican Rescinds Ban on Birth Control and Masturbation; says the pope “This April Fools’ joke has gone on long enough”Pedophile Killed by Chuckey CheeseDrunk Driver Kills Drunk Driver - No Charges LaidMen and Women have a lot of similarities that no one talks about. Like when your at a party and some one falls asleep both sexes say “SSSHHHH quiet."The difference is that men will then say, “"Someone get a camera I have an idea."Quick observation about the guy who let his girlfriend stay on the toilet for 5 years: That is the definition of low maintenance. Why is everyone trying to say what a bad guy the boyfriend of that chick was?. I think this guy should be praised - five years and they still call him her boyfriend. Jesus, my girl is on the can for 20 minutes and I'm looking for another girl to bang. And he didn't leave her after a week! I would have sold the house and walled up the bathroom. And after 5 years she wouldn't be referred to my girlfriend she would be that crazy bitch.For more of FMCE and to view past issues or to listen to old podcasts please visithttp://fullmetalchickeneggs.blogspot.com/For the podcast just click the title of the issue.

Full Metal Chicken Eggs March 28, 2008

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?""We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!""TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?""We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.""That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?""We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.""That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!""Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.""Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"Source: Jokes2U 03/13/2008I saw a road sign that said, "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787."So I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with his tow truck.Source: Laffaday 03/12/08A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"Source: Laffaday 03/12/08Bizarre Colonoscopy Humor[A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.]1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"3. "Can you hear me NOW?"4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"Source: 03/15/08FACT: Bestiality is no longer legal in The Netherlands. It took 2 years of debate before making it illegal this week. They were responsible for 65% of the worlds animal porn.If there is anything that nuns love as much as Jesus it's 80's Hair Metal-FMC (quote from a short story written about a car accident involving the incredible Hulk, a band tour bus and a mini van filled with nuns. If you ask nicely I might include the full version next week)Every time I see a commercial I can usually come up with a way to make it better. This does not include the new Diamond Shreddies commercial. I would like to meet the guy that came up with that and compliment him on the size of his balls.“Mighty putty does it all - stick metal to glass, plastic to brick, skin to wood. Take Johnson here he takes a nap every day at 10:00. All we need to do is cut a piece off knead to active and place between his head and the desk.”(5 minutes pass)Back to Johnson waking up realizing he can't lift his head and start screaming.Now the host yelling, "NOW JOHNSON WILL NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION TO BECOME UNSTUCK – THAT’S THE POWER OF MIGHTY PUDDY!"For more of FMCE and to view past issues or to listen to old podcasts please visithttp://fullmetalchickeneggs.blogspot.com/For the podcast just click the title of the issue.

Full Metal Chicken Eggs March 20, 2008

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'"-Isaac AsimovA magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head. The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block. The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes..."Taa-Daa!""How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?"Go back up to the previous one-liner and reread it word by word.I’m putting this joke in not because it’s overly funny but because I think that I’ve actually done this. Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work."Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar.""What did you do?" says the other IT guy."Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off.""You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy."I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop.""Really? You got a new laptop?"I was looking stuff up online when I found this on the CDC (center for Disease control) website:“All persons who are obese or overweight should try not to gain additional weight. In addition, those who are obese or who are overweight with other risk factors should consider losing weight.”“Bill Fabrey, co-owner of Amplestuff in Bearsville, N.Y., has been thinking big since 1988, when he started his mail-order business specializing in products for the larger set.”FMC Note: PEOPLE ARE NOT “LARGE SET.” Large Set is something used to describe your baseball card collection."Quantas Problem Solving"After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on backorder.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what they're for.P: IFF inoperative.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.S: Suspect you're right.P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.S: Took hammer away from midget.Lost within my own mind and quite happy to be so.-FMCFMC Answers Another Philosophical Question:Q: "Is the glass half full or half empty"A: "Which glass? Where I don't see one"A: "HEY WHO DRANK HALF THE WATER!"FMC solution to the Pot Problem:I recently came up with the prefect solution to the marijuana problem. For those of you with no clue what the problem with pot is we're in the same boat. But apparently some people think it's addictive. Well, so is smoking, porn, alcohol, porn, smoking, gambling, TV, smoking, the internet, eating, alcohol and porn, but only 2 of those thing kills people directly AND indirectly. And I got news for you - they all can ruin lives but chances are if when you step up and spin that addiction wheel and it lands on pot it could have just as easily been alcohol, or heroin. Some people say it's a gateway drug and if you are one of those people please grab your mouse wrap it tightly around your neck and pull both ends until you reach a happy place. Alcohol is a gateway drug I'm betting way before pot, do you know anyone that tried pot with out going through a drinking phase?...I’M WAITING….of course you didn't! Anyways, my plan is fines. This solves a lot of problems.1) I didn't make it legal so it's against the law to posses, sell, and smoke it. So that makes the anti-drug people happy.2) More money for the government. That makes the government happy.3) It's moving along the path to be legal, which makes intelligent people happy, AND4) Less people in jail. (Which makes everyone happy).We could have fines for smoking, selling and possessing, and if your carrying more than a pound of the stuff on you everything gets seized and police are free to test it and resell it, and thus making more money for the local law enforcement and probably increase the number of police officers. Can we please get this done and move onto more important things?

Full Metal Chicken Eggs March 14, 2008

For those of you using iTunes, or any other podcast software you can subscribe to the podcast http://feeds.feedburner.com/FullMetalChickenEggs.Thanks and Enjoy!FMCFull Metal Chicken EggsFriday, March 7, 2008How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hey! Who wants to rides bikes!Source: Laffaday 03/04/08“A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'" -Steven WrightBizarre Warning Labels"This product not intended for use as a dental drill."-Found on an electric rotary tool."Caution: Do not spray in eyes."-Found on a can of underarm deodorant."Do not drive with sunshield in place."-Found on a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard."Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."-Found on a package of airline peanuts.“Not intended for highway use."-Found on a 13-inch wheel for a wheelbarrow.“Kills all kinds of insects. Warning: This spray is harmful to bees."-Found on a can of insecticide."WARNING: Contents flammable."-Found on a container of lighter fluid."Do not use orally."-Found on a toilet bowl cleaning brush."Please keep out of children."-Found on a butcher knife."Warning: Do not use on eyes."-Found in the manual for a heated seat cushion.‘Psycho Path' voted best U.S. street nameJudges for an online contest to determine the most unusual U.S. street name have settled on Psycho Path (do you get the feeling that, that sign gets stolen a lot), followed by Divorce Court. TheCarConnection.com's contest that ended earlier this month had more than 2,500 entries of verifiable street names.Psycho Path is a small private lane in Traverse City, MI, while Divorce Court is in Heather Highlands, PA. The third prize went to Farfrompoopen Rd., which the site editors said is the only way to get to Constipation Ridge in Story, AK. Several intersection combinations also got honourable mentions, including Nixon/Bluett, in Ann Arbor, MI, and the corner of Clinton and Fidelity, in Houston. There is also an intersection of Stroke and Acoma, in a retirement section of Lake Havasu, WI.Source: Bizarre NewsFMC Answers Philosophy QuestionsQ: "What would happen if an unstoppable force met an immovable object"A: "I'm beating someone will want their money back"Q: "What can first the chicken or the Egg"A: "The egg. I've heard that dinosaurs layed them but never heard of a prehistoric chicken."-FMCA guy in my office said this the other day:When picking a name for a son basically you want to pick one that isn’t easy to make fun of but with a daughter you’ve got a different problem. What you want to do is come up with a name, and then say out loud GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE (insert name here) and if it sounds good you might want to come up with something else.-FMCQuestion: Why is it then when someone is born under difficult or rare circumstances it is always a miracle but if some dies under the same criteria it's not given the same reverence. Just because things are bad doesn't make them any less miraculous. Like a woman in the middle of an earthquake gives birth while trapped under a fallen building with no help or medical attention is a miracle. But a rouge barcalounger that was sent into the upper atmosphere by a tornado two months ago, and has since managed to circumnavigate the globe twice, following the long lost migration route of the extinct saber tooth duck, that crushes a man who purchased the same one and just though “There’s no way I’m going to be able to find one cheaper” that is not a miracle?-FMCI’ve always wanted to place an ad in the Female seeking Male section of newspaper and see if anyone responds. I think that it would look something like this: 450lb chain smoking SWF willing to settle for less. Must be registered voter and have 10 teeth or more. Asians preferred.-FMCFor more of FMCE and to view past issues or to listen to old podcasts please visit http://fullmetalchickeneggs.blogspot.com/ for the podcast just click the title of the issue.

Full Metal Chicken Eggs Mar. 07, 2008

College for DummiesMany of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and So on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then Forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket.It's a terrible waste of brain cellsAfter you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.So you should major in subjects like English, Philosophy, Psychology, and Sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:1. ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.2. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.3. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.4. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grants.---Dave Berry (I think)"I think what went wrong with Christianity is exactly like what happens when you try to get your dog to look at something on TV. “Jesse pointed at God, and everybody just stared at his finger."---Frank MilesWHY AM I MARRIED?You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable,Or,Get married and wish you were dead.At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted"Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."A Woman's PrayerDear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.---Random EmailFMC Oscar SpeechAnnouncer: "And the winner is… Brandon Coppes!"(acting shocked, Brandon walks towards the stage, receives his award and walks over to the orchestra pit)Brandon: "HEY YOU DOWN THERE! YEAH, I’M TALKING TO YOU PENCIL DICK - PUT THAT FUCKING STICK DOWN I'M GOING TO BE THANKING A LOT OF POEPLE AND DON'T WANT YOUR DUMBASS SCREWING THIS UP. THIS IS A SPECIAL MOTHER FUCKING MOMENT AND IF YOU RUIN IT FOR ME I’LL COME DOWN THERE AND JAM THIS OSCAR UP YOUR ASS"(Brandon walks back to the microphone)Brandon: "I would like to thank Jesus.."T-shirt Idea:A guitar hero Guitar picture on the front with the words“I play Guitar Hero on expert! Ask me to show you my fingering”FMC Perfume line up for single women:WD-40BondoBaconMoneyChicken Wing (Spicy and buffalo)and of course,SteakInterviewer : "Let me guess you were born to do this?"FMC: "No I was damaged to do this. When I was born I was fine what your seeing is the result of emotional damage, a horrible lack of self confidence, middle child syndrome, and a raging ego."

Full Metal Chicken Eggs Feb. 28, 2007

If your looking for old issues or want to share the podcast that’s attached please go to http://fullmetalchickeneggs.blogspot.com/"The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except, of course women, slaves and poor people."---Dave Barry"The government announced that some voters will be allowed to vote online. That's going to be a tough choice: democracy or porn...democracy or porn."---Craig FergusonFMC: I swear this next thing actually happened.A Florida mother was arrested after police found her driving with beer buckled in the front seat but her toddler unrestrained in the back seat.Source: Bizarre News 02/09/08“I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle."---Dan WhitneyThe stranger someone looks the more likely they are not to do anything to you - that's really bad. For instance you never hear of a person being mugged by that chick with a dog collar, 12 inch spiked hair, a split tongue and so much leather that it looks like she just ripped the cow right out of its skin and modified it to fit. It's always people that look, well like me.---FMCNobody goes completely insane faster than a perfectly sane person, and if you don't get this don't worry and stay away from extremely stressful situations.---FMCFor a deodorant test instead of having these hockey stars come out and say how good it is for the 3-4 hours that they are playing, how about they do a real longevity test? That's what this stuff is advertising more and more (the stuff that I have says for 24 hour protection). Here's the test I want to see: grab a bum, wash them, down slather this stuff all over them, and send'em on their way. Then every night find them and take a whiff and see if this really stuff lasts.---FMCI'll take bull fighting seriously when the matador has spears in his back.---FMCThis next piece may be as uncomfortable as family dinner with my family when my grandpa uses the word darky to describe a black guy but what the hell I'm doing it anyway.Remember when that kid was suing Michel Jackson and he said that he could recognize Mike’s dick because of distinguishing characteristics? What's the big deal? I could do that. You know how I know that I could? Because if you give me a line-up of penises with Michael Jackson’s in there and it would be whitest member I've ever seen, I mean you've ever seen. Now I've seen a lot of dicks, like a lot a lot, like an uncomfortable amount, but come on I'm pretty sure everyone could match that cock to that man.---FMC

Full Metal Chicken Eggs Feb. 15, 2008

Every week I head out online and run through my Inbox to sift out great jokes. PlusI inclued some of the new stuff that I've written during the week. Warning use of gratuatice valgarity at times. Please enjoy.

hubhopper

Full Metal Chicken Eggs

hubhopper