The hydraulic hiss of an automatic blast door signaled an arrival and turned the heads of all those on the bridge, and aside from the quiet trills and electronic burbles from the wall-to-wall navigational equipment, all was frozen. “C-Captain” said one of the turned heads attached to the body of Ensign Lobell, the newest edition to the starship’s crew. He straightened both his posture, and his fleet uniform at once, scaly green hands smoothing ruffled fabric. The Captain however did not acknowledge the freshmen. He stood tall in front of the blast door, his arms folded. The term “no nonsense” had settled into the Captains eyes and etched creases in his frown. “What in the seven hells is going on here?” he said and gestured to the center of the room where, prior to his entrance, all the attention in the bridge had been focused. Aided by the Captains exclamation the attention of the room turned once more to the two figures near the Captain's chair, they were frozen in the wobbly straining way of two performers fighting gravity to hold still. Petty Officer Dietz was the name of the taller scrawnier figure on the ground in a position that wasn’t so much “sitting up” as it was being held up, forcibly at that by a shorter much brawnier creature, with rocklike skin and sharp protruding tusks from either corner of his mouth. He had the front half of Dietz’s red shirt balled up into one giant fist, while the other fist was frozen in air halted on it’s return trip to Dietz’s swelling face. The rock creature opened his fist and let loose Dietz’s shirt, the action punctuated with the subsequent slam of Dietz’s torso on the floor and a pitiful sigh of pain. The Rock Creature straightened up and turned to face the Captain. “Sir I—” the creature began in a low gravelly tone. “Explain yourself Allison.” interrupted The Captain. “Well sir he uh..” began Allison “He was, he was being really annoying and...” “Fighting? On the bridge? this isn’t like you Corporal, look at yourself you cant even give me a straight answer” Just then the blast door hissed once again, and with the sound came a females voice, “Leave him be Captain, he’s in the mood to engage” “Excuse me,” replied the Captain “just where do you come off Lieutenant Raft?” “His species sir, the Postarr?” Said Lieutenant Raft as she walked to the Captains side. “Every so often they get like this: antagonistic, short-fuse. They need an outlet, or else...” The Lieutenant gestured to Petty Officer Dietz, still on the floor but now being treated by the medical team. “Nonsense, I’ve traveled with the Corporal for years, Lieutenant, i’ve never seen anything like this.” “You know they're a combative people Captain, when you took him on board, didn’t you wonder why we didn’t see more of this?” “Well no I..” “It’s posting sir, that’s how he’s been sublimating his genetic need for combat. And we’ve been in non-federation space for days now which means..” The Captain closed his eyes and tapped his forehead with his palm. “No internet” “Precisely.” Said Lieutenant Raft. Topics Discussed on Todays Show: The Mood to engage, Akon City, MCAG, and Happy Birthday Leslie Lee! Show Originally Aired 08/18/20 -- VOD Link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/713991226

JackAM FM

The Mood To Engage

In the control room a young man in a white lab coat flicked his eyes across a bevy of monitors, sweat pouring from his brow. His superior was crouched over him studying the same images. Suddenly the young man's eyes snapped wide and he shouted into his headset. “The readings, they’re off the chart! it’s a code yello— no! It's a code red news! Code red news!” A second after the announcement was made the klaxons throughout the building cried out in echo like a wounded animal at the bottom of a well, vrrt! vrrt! vrrt! vrrt! With each burst of sound came fresh flashes of hell as the red signal lights mounted on the walls of the complex winked crimson. The entire staff of the WTFD organization was in frantic motion: ensigns and marshalls, captains and cadets, bolted through and across corridors and briefing rooms as if hell were on their heels and perhaps this time, it was. During the commotion a man stood in the quiet of the hospital wing. He was on the verge of tears. Though it may have been chaos everywhere else, that was out there. Out there where the hell-lights, the alarms and the shouts of orders by red faced men and women meant something to somebody, but in here —none of that mattered not to him. So he stood. He stood and watched a hot woman with pink hair sleep soundly in one of the hospital beds in front of him. Bandages covered both her arms, the crown of her head and her left eye. She was attached to an IV that dripped at a rate as steady and strong as the beeps from the ECG machine nearby. “Jack…” Said a voice suddenly behind the man. “If you won’t handle the news...Cait will.” Still watching Cait, the hot woman with pink hair, as she rested bruised and battered, the tears Jack held were left to fall and his hands curled into fists. “You son of a bitch…” He said through clenched teeth. “It’s a code red Jack..” warned the voice. “YOU SON OF A BITCH” screamed Jack and then there was silence. Just the beeping of the machines and the muted cries of danger outside. “Will you do it?” returned the voice, patient and as cold as a clear harvest. Jack hated that voice, all his life he had hated it so very deeply. And taking in a deep shuddering breath he wiped his tears and snot with the back of his hand. “Yeah...” he said in a hoarse whisper and then turned to face the owner of that wretched voice, his own fists trembling with rage. “I’ll do the goddamn freaking news.” Topics discussed on today's episode: GooGoo vs Teigan, Dots Discourse, A Cheeto in the Whitehouse, and JackAss: America

Jackass: America

---Epic Rap Battle of History: Jack Allison vs. Lin Manuel Miranda.--- Jack Allison: Its Jack Allison droppin beats like some ballast son, a weed gamer I keep a vape on me like a talisman. Aye Lin Manuel— Lin Manuel: Yo yo! Jack Allison: You aint no Vader, i’ma grind you with these verses and, smoke ya later. Lin Manuel: Yo! It’s Lin Manuel, too swell, the smooth villain, i’ma playwrite— Jack Allison: Yeah you play right. Lin Manuel: And you just play fight, you too bitter, you’re a poster? Jack Allison: Yeah a poster. Lin Manuel: Then you’ll be on my wall kid. And a coaster? Jack Allison: Huh a coaster? Lin Manuel: You’re just floating through life, kid, I'm a self made captain trappin back from the theatre— Jack Allison: Back of the theatre? Thats funny son, try the front row. When Obama was at Hammy homie where did you go? Lin Manuel: Yo, that’s not..look lets not start this shit. Jack Allison: Shits been started and Imma light your ass like I sparked a zip. So close your mouth, hold your tongue and just bite your lip.

Rhyme Combinator

Jack sipped stale water from a disposable plastic cup and set it down. He was in a small room, bare but for a silver square table that now held his cup and three silver chairs two on one side and one on the other—occupied. He was alone for the moment, but didn’t doubt the return of his guests. On the same side of the room that contained the only door, ran a long length of opaque glass in which he could see the buzzing light of the twin fluorescents overhead glaring back at him. Jack’s restless legs hadn’t ceased since he was brought in, and the light jingle of the keys in his pocket were as constant as the beeps of an ECG machine. Jack took no notice of this, even when the sound ceased abruptly as the door swung open. The two detectives had returned to the room and the jingle in Jack's pocket soon after. The pair took their seats across from him. The brown haired one, presumably the lead, dragged his chair in closer and leaned forward placing both forearms on the table, his hands clasped together. He stared into Jack’s eyes, while the blonde one opened up a laptop device on the table and attached what looked to be one of those small cash register printers, Jack recognized from those old-timey vids. Just then the brown haired one withdrew what looked to be a small cylindrical tube with a rounded end from his coat pocket and handed it to Jack. “Mr. Allison, if you would hold this for the duration of our meeting, we’d greatly appreciate it”he said. Jack started to sweat, and didn’t notice the increased frequency of the sound of his chiming keys. He nodded and took the item. “Good, there’s nothing to be nervous about Mr. Allison, I’m just going to ask you a few questions, and when you’d respond, I’d ask that you speak directly into that round part there.” He pointed at the tube held in Jack’s hand and Jack nodded. “Very good, now Mr. Allison some very important schedule IV androids went off the grid in your area sometime last night. Are you familiar with schedule IV droids Mr. Allison?” Jack nodded. “Speak, please Mr. Allison” instructed the detective. “Y-yes, sir” Jack said, projecting his voice into the tube, and as he did so he heard a squealing, scratching sound, he jumped slightly and realized that it had come from the printer. The detectives showed no sign that they had noticed. Whatever Jack had said had caused the machine to print a sequence of scribbles on the protruding strip of paper. “Good Mr. Allison.” continued the detective, “Then you know that they can look like anyone, me--” he pointed to himself, “Detective Hollbeck--” he pointed to the blonde detective operating the laptop. “Or even...you.” Jack gulped, and nodded. “Good, and as we know although they might look like us, Androids can't necessarily reason, like us. There's a certain level of humanity that they lack you see making it possible to find them by just simply asking the right questions, understand?” Jack nodded. “Good. Now let's start with an easy question. You are on a country road. It’s night, you can hear the owls hooting and the frogs croaking in the distance. You reach a bridge. On that bridge you see a bacon wrap, as well as some sawwse. What do you do?” When the detective had finished asking the question, It was then that the chime of Jack’s keys became loud enough to notice. Topics discussed on today’s episode include: What the Freaking Duece? Jack is on one, Trump floats delaying election, The Death of Movie Theatres, The NewsRoom and Bacon Wrapping da Sawwse. Today’s episode aired on: 07/30/20 — https://www.twitch.tv/videos/695237677

What The Freaking Deuce?

“Come on, come on...” Jack Allison pleaded breathless as he gripped the sides of what looked to be an ordinary air conditioner. It was mounted to one of the windows in the large room that was his but unfamiliar. Various expensive gadgets and high-tech tools lined the walls, most of whose functions he could only guess at. Just then a loud bang came from the reinforced steel door at the other end of the room and Jack jumped. His pulse quickened and he could hear harsh Germanic shouts and the robotic clomp and whirr of something massive from beyond the door. He didn’t have much time. “Why won’t you, work!” As he shouted this two things happened: The first being that the air conditioner suddenly blinked to life it’s simplistic LED display vibrant in green numerals. The second thing to happen concerned that of the thing on the opposite side of the door, the thing appeared to have adopted a new strategy to gain entry, evident by the slow moving molten line that began to form on the door tracing a large circle. Acrid black smoke began to writhe into the room. Quickly Jack used the soft plastic embedded arrows on the front of the air conditioner to manipulate a setting that had once been labeled by the manufacturer as “temp”, but had since been duct taped over with a new label that read: “time”. Jack frantically tapped the down arrow on the time setting, until the readout flashed: 07/28/20. He then slammed his finger down on the power button, just as a loud crash went off behind him resulting in a large circular cut of hissing steel on the floor outlined in bubbling orange. Through the smoke Jack could see the silhouette of something huge and misshapen looming in the circular opening. It barked something at him in German. Jack snapped back to the air conditioner console and could hear it starting up, the high pitched whine and the whirr of the fan coalesced to sound something akin to a fighter jet gearing up, and after a few seconds one-hundred fighter jets, a thousand. Jack’s skin was covered with frost now, looking as if he were rolled in flour. Just then a gun went off, hardly heard over the noise of the air conditioner and a bullet struck nearby nearly hitting the AC. —Ten-thousand jets. Jack had to hold onto the floor-mounted craftsman table nearby, his frozen fingers burning in numbness. The force of the AC lifted his body and his legs dangled in the cool rushing air like a windsock. The German shouts and the whirring-clomp behind him didn’t cease, in fact it sounded close, too close. Jack didn’t scream when he felt the metal claw of the German thing grip his ankle, nor could he as the force from the AC was too great. With all of his strength he twisted and kicked and flailed until finally —finally he felt the grip loosen and fall away, just as the AC reached the sound of one-million fighter jets. Just then there was a bright flash of light and suddenly Jack found himself in some place familiar. The shades to his office were pulled back and sunlight filled the room. Frostless and calm he picked himself up off the floor, and spent the rest of the day unmounting the AC, dismantling it and, dumping the parts in recycling bins all across the county. When he arrived home he reluctantly deleted and purged the only harddrive which had ever held the encrypted folder titled: “1,000,000 BTU Project Files” Topics Discussed On Today’s Episode Include: BTU’s, Have Fun Out There!, DNC Platform, Ellen, and The Knife! Today’s Episode Aired on 07/28/20 — VOD: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/693217667 Read The Bugzine! www.thebugzine.com

The Knife

Topics Discussed on Today's Episode Include: Moon Hex, Ghislaine in the Membrane, Baseball Under Covid, Kanye West and Cait's Clear Harvest! Episode Originally Aired on: 07/22/20 — VOD:https://www.twitch.tv/videos/686271231

Hex The Police

Fresh off of Bugcon weekend, today's show is a solo JackAF affair. The topics discussed on today's episode include: HBD Yonklerr, Kanye and Rest In Power Michael Brooks. Episode originally aired: 07/20/20 — VOD: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/685682185

RIP Michael Brooks

His grasp pulled loose rock which tumbled down the cliff face thirty feet until bottom. The surprise made him unsteady, threw him off balance so that he had to dig in his feet and grasp the left hand-hold even tighter. His eyes frantically scanned his right side for another outcropping of rock and once he found one —breathed a sigh of relief as he steadied himself. “You will be tested” A woman's voice echoed in his head, soft and melodic, and in that instant he was back in court, kneeling before his Princess. “You shall enter the pit as a fuccboi..” Her voice said, “and rise...as a boyfriend.” The man shook away the memory and continued to climb, he had spent enough time down there in the pit, befriended some, angered many, but he wasn’t like his fellow fuccbois down below, he was different. He knew how to charm, how to impress parents, how to eat spaghetti and finish his meatballs at dinner, he was boyfriend material and knew it as surely as the dark clouds overhead meant that rain was not far off. As he continued his struggle upwards, from down below A fuccboi stood at the foot of the cliff face, staring up at him anxiously. “He’ll never make it” said another fuccboi who sidled up next to the observer, eyes tracking the same figure on the cliff. “Ain’t no fuccboi ever made it up Boyfriend Cliff in a thousand years” Topics Discussed on Today’s Episode of JackAm include: JackAC, BugCon 2020, More Plague Disney, Jack is X-Ceptional, Camping Sucks, Bari Weiss, and The Boyfriend Cliff. Episode Originally Aired 07/14/20 — VOD: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/679370842

The Boyfriend Cliff

Topics included on this episode of JackAm include: Coolness Hole, Tiki-Takking Away, Just Rooms, Culture Bores, Welcome Home! and Funky Jams! Topics included on this episode of JackAF include: Plague Disney! Episode Originally Aired 07/13/20 — VOD: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/678397591 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/678788933

Tiki-Takking Away

Topics Discussed on Today's JackAm Include: Pandemic Parody Pfriday, 69 of Love, Stop Being A Cop, The "Entertainers", and Brie Larson's Youtube Channel! Topics Discussed on Today's JackAF Include: T.I.E! Episode Originally Aired: 7/10/20 — VOD: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/675525381 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/675923835

69 of Love

Topics Discussed on Today's Episode of JackAm include: Cocaite, Titanic-Gamer, The End of America, Where in The World *was* Ghislaine Maxwell?, Barstool Sports: Still Racist, Shiti-Bank, and Le Epic Bacon! Topics Discussed on Today's Episode of JackAF include: The Dietz Nuts Cup! Episode(s) Originally aired 07/03/20 — VOD Link(s): https://www.twitch.tv/videos/668817096 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/669223553

Cocaite

Topics Discussed on Today's Episode include: Big Thursday, Street Smarts, Ghislaine in the Membrane, Dr. Disrespect, Chris Mann, and ChatAm! Episode Originally aired: 07/06/20 — VOD Link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/667841752

Street Smarts

There were no windows in the bathroom. This place had become his tomb —small with only a single sink and stall. He lay on the dirty linoleum, a young man with knees to chest and head to knees. He was weeping, a sound lost under the loud banging and commotion beyond the locked door. He knew then that It was only a matter of time before the wooden frame snapped and the horde rushed in. He wouldn’t let them take him —no. He would never become one of them no matter what. With solemn purpose he reached into his bag and withdrew the pistol he had found while being chased by the horde outside. He hefted it, felt its weight. He sucked in a sharp breath and held the gun quivering inches away from the side of his head. He took another breath, let it out, took in one more and counted to three in his head, one...two..three —he closed his eyes and squeezed the trigger. Instead of the expected sound of a thundering report of a discharged firearm, the young man was instead met with a celebratory kazoo sound. He dropped the gun and opened his eyes one at a time. He looked around and discovered his clothes dusted with what appeared to be brightly colored confetti and he saw that the pistol now had a mini flag protruding from the barrel with the phrase, “Wacky Wednesday!” written on it in comic book font. Before the young man had time to think however, the door blasted inward and in rushed the horde. Within seconds they had him surrounded, squeaking their red noses and bicycle horns, some even squirting water from fake flowers attached to their rainbow suspenders. The sounds, boy-yo-yoing! and bonk! were prevalent and frequent amidst the commotion. The young man knew he was doomed and in both horror and agony he cried out once, before drowning under the sudden deluge of japes and general tom foolery. Topics Discussed on Today’s Episode Include: Wacky Wednesday’s, Mr. Act One, Covid Closures, Iran’s Most Wanted, America: The Failed State Topics Discussed on Today’s JackAF: Jacks Comics Corner

Mr. Act One

“Bingo, Nines, you’re on point” called the squad leader who was the first to touch down. His combat boots made an echoing metallic clap as they met hit steel ground. He detached his carabiner with a click, and heard behind him the sound of his two named subordinates zip down their own ropes and detach their carabiners. When their boots made contact they immediately shouldered their carbine rifles, flashlight attachments on and cutting swathes of dark as they fanned out in a small area, illuminating the eerie angles of the derelict space station. From behind the squad leader could be heard two more zips of descent, followed by the metallic claps of boots on steel that told the arrival of the rear guard, Chico and Ballard. Unlike his companions Ballard wasn’t a soldier, he was a scientist evident in the way he carried himself, his posture, his movements, unlike with his intellect his whole body seemed to lack precision. Without looking back to greet them, the squad leader cleared his throat. Though Ballard had yet to prove himself for a true nickname, the squad leader liked to call him Doc. “ Hey Doc, remind me again why we had to jump to this sorry piss bucket?” Ballard didn’t answer him right away and the squad leader's anger rose, he was about to open up and let the little geek have it when he noticed the sounds of heavy breathing. The poor bastard was trying to catch his breath. With the physical exertions of the day being only a few hours after a thaw, not to mention the added weight of the combat gear, the lad was probably at his limits. What in hell was HQ thinking assigning a liability like this to his squad? The squad leader waited for him to catch his breath but didn’t like it. “An A.I.” said Ballard at last, “Luxury model, modeled after an old world author, Female, J.K...something” At this Chico spoke up in his country twang “ Bullshit. Ain’t no way they sent us out here just to retrieve an A.I. Lux. Ain’t no way.” The squad leader turned around to face Ballard. “Doc, you better start talking.” Ballard started to stammer “I-I- That’s all I know I—” The squad leader slammed a massive forearm into Ballards chest driving him up against a wall and a loud thunk echoed off into the darkness. “I don't have time for this Doc. Start making sense.” The squad leader was sure Doc had pissed himself, but he gave him credit for not weeping or crying out. “Okay, Okay!” said Ballard and the squad leader backed off, letting him sink to his knees. In a breathless tone Ballard said, “A.I. went rogue. One minute it was writing children's books and the next.” “Next what?” asked the squad leader impatiently. “We think…” said Ballard “well I’m fairly certain that it’s gone..Glinner mode.” Chico swore, Bingo and Nines turned to stare at Ballard open mouthed, and the squad leader made the sign of the cross. And suddenly in an explosion of light and sound, the space station came to life, the piercing klaxons caused the party to slap their hands over their ears, and the sudden flashing lights caused them to shut their eyes. The party was rendered helpless as the blast doors at every entrance shut and sealed, and the gas began to fill the room. “TERF IS A SLUR” boomed a disembodied distorted voice. Topics Discussed on Today’s Show include: “Oh Really Dude?”, H2H P2P, Glinner Mode, Bloodthirsty Libs, and The Villages! Show Originally Aired 06/29/20 — VOD: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/664938970

Glinner Mode

Topics on JackAm Include: Clear Harvest, The Dietz Nuts Cup and Nothing Friday! Topics on JackFM include: Writing The SNL Packet and much more! Show(s) Originally aired: 06/26/20 — VOD Link(s): https://www.twitch.tv/videos/662038922 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/662438681

Clear Harvest

This is the audio-only version of the daily morning show JackAM which airs every weekday 7am-9am PST. (Twitch.tv/JackAM)

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JackAM FM

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