Like many young boys, Luc loved sports. He loved playing soccer and baseball and like every good Canadian boy, Luc loved hockey. His mom, Lianne, says that she thinks what he really loved was being part of a team. He didn't enjoy having the spotlight himself, but he loved being a part of a team in which everyone had fun and shared the spotlight.  When Luc was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 7, he really took it all in stride. He was always very upbeat and positive, just accepting that if he did what the doctors told him, he would be fine. Other kids at school called Luc a 'hero' after his diagnosis, but Luc never wanted to be a hero. He just wanted to be a regular kid, a quiet part of the team. Unfortunately, that isn't what happened. Luc was special, but not in the way he would want to be. Luc was one of a few kids to get leukemia in Manitoba that year, then one of the few children to get a more aggressive type of cancer requiring additional treatment. He eventually became one of the few to have a recurrence and then, finally one of the far fewer children who die of cancer each year. It was like he kept winning the lottery no one would ever want to win.  Luc's mother, Lianne, is only 8 short months into her grief journey so it is so fresh and raw, but she still amazingly finds bits of gratitude in her life. She wants to continue to honor Luc by remembering his fun-loving, team oriented perspective. She recently participated in a fundraiser and was able to raise $20,000 for Cancer Care Manitoba. She called her little team 'Living for Luc,' and they had a great time having fun, playing different sports, laughing and truly experiencing life. Lianne said to me, "There is life after loss and it is different and it is hard, and it is not always trampolines and laughing, but sometimes it can be, and that's OK." This may be one of the wisest statements about child loss I have ever heard. Such a powerful statement and so true - something we should all remember. Even in grief, we still live and we still need to do crazy, fun things like jump on a trampoline every once in a while.

Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom

Episode 110: Luc's Mom

Today's guest, Hans, says he 'prides himself on being a father first and foremost, cherishing every moment of his fatherhood journey.' Before bed each night, his children beg for their dad to make up another silly story to tell them. The stories are always fun and fantastical, including things like dragons, race cars and unicorns. His youngest daughter, Aviva, was not yet one year old and was just starting to appreciate his dad's stories. Aviva was a joyous child who had an infectious smile. She loved to laugh and had a voracious appetite. Aviva also mysterious episodes of illness, however, that would cause her to be hospitalized. Numerous tests could not uncover a diagnosis. Tragically, last November 18th, a 6th and final episode took her life. Hans made a promise to his little girl that night. He promised that he would make her proud. At the time, he didn't know what that would be. What he did know, however, is that he wanted other children to laugh and smile like his sweet Aviva did. This is when he came back to those beautiful, fun bedtime stories that would leave his children begging for more. Now, in his grief, Hans, could have let go of the silly stories, but he did not want Baby Aviva to be remembered in a sad way. He wanted her to be joyful, laughing and playing.  An idea came to him then, to create a new character for his stories, one that is carefree, brave and fun - Baby Aviva Orangutan Diva. He then worked with an illustrator and editor to create a beautiful book with a beautiful story that children everywhere will absolutely love. Learn even more about Hans, his book and little Aviva by going to his website, hanskullberg.com. You can get your copy by searching on Amazon or by clicking on this link.

Episode 109: Aviva's Dad

Parenting can never be described as easy, but parenting when your family is suffering after the death of a child is beyond difficult. Grief is everywhere, surrounding the family in all that they do. Simple tasks are suddenly not at all simple. In many ways, just getting up every day to get through the day is a huge accomplishment. Adding on the task of trying to raise children and guide them through their own grief seems almost impossible. When Michele's almost 7 year old son David died after a long battle with cancer, his 3 year old sister, Deanna, said something that affected Michele deeply. Deanna said, "Mommy, half of me is gone." From the outside, Deanna played as other children played. She did not spend her days crying and staying in bed. Others likely thought she was doing 'quite well', but inside, she was grieving deeply. If she had not said that simple sentence, Michele would have likely not known that she even felt this way. Given the fact that Michele had a background in early childhood education, she knew from that very moment that her mission in life would be to help Deanna grieve the death of her brother. At the same time that she worked through her own grief, she would learn about how to guide her daughter through her own grief as well. Someday, however, she hoped to use her knowledge to help other grieving children as well.  Now, many years later, Michele is doing just that. She started Good Grief Parenting in order to help parents and friends and family members who work with grieving children. Her goal is to help people learn that grieving is a good thing and not something to be avoided. Grieve openly with children and show them that you are a safe person to talk to about all of the messy emotions of grief. Sadness is ok; anger is ok, fear is ok, relief is ok. In fact, it is more than just ok; it is necessary to feel all of that in order to really understand and get through grief. These are lessons we can all learn and grow from as well.

Episode 110: David's Mom

Nine years ago, when 6 week-old Corey was admitted to the hospital for generalized weakness, everyone assumed that he had some sort of infection. His mother, Stephanie, thought that he would get some medication, maybe some IV fluids and then she would be able to take her little boy home again. On the third day of his hospitalization, however, Stephanie overheard a few residents talking. She heard the use the term, 'SMA' for the first time. A young doctor started a sentence with the words, 'if he lives to 6 months' and 'if he lives to a year.'  Suddenly, Stephanie's life was turned up-side-down. Corey did indeed have SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) and he actually did not live to see 6 months. When Corey was born, a diagnosis of SMA was a death sentence. Only months after Corey was born, clinical trials for a treatment for SMA were developed. Now, that medication is so successful in treating SMA that we are really nearing the day that these children will live with SMA and not die from it. Since Corey's death, Stephanie has done so much to support this cause. She was instrumental in getting SMA testing on the newborn screen in the state of Ohio. She speaks to groups nationally as well. I know that after losing a child, I want to do anything that I can to prevent another parent from feeling my same pain. Stephanie feels the same way and her work has truly helped prevent some many deaths. Today, we talk about her work in the Cure SMA organization, but we also discuss her personal grief journey as well. Stephanie talks about the pain of returning home without her baby boy in her arms. We discuss learning to help her then 5 year old daughter grieve in an open, honest way and the pain that comes with watching our children grieve. Now, so many years later, there are fewer and fewer people who remember baby Corey, and that makes some days even harder than in the beginning. It certainly make those who remember and understand the lasting pain all the more precious.

Episode 107: Corey's Mom

When someone asks you how you are doing, what is your response? I know that for most people, even bereaved people, the quick answer is, "Fine." (I learned today a great acronym for FINE - Feelings I'm Not Expressing.) Inwardly, we may wonder, 'Do you really want to know or are you just making polite conversation?' We don't want to open ourselves up to the many people who would truly be uncomfortable if we are honest with them. We want to be sure that they will be supportive first, but how can we really know the answer to that question? On today's podcast, Gwen and I discuss the topic of who can support us as grieving people and how we can help others be more equipped to help us. Let them know that we don't want them to try to fix us, just be there with us. Grief is something that must be worked through, and it is so much easier if you are not alone. We need to work to find the right people to help us on our healing journey. Honestly, they may or may not be the people we expect. Sometimes, friends and family cannot support us in the ways that we need. It is necessary to go outside our inner circle to find help. Support groups, social media groups, friends of friends - it takes some bravery to branch out like that, but it can be so rewarding. As an aside, Gwen and I will now be doing all of our podcast episodes as Livestream Events that can be seen on the Always Andy's Mom Facebook page, YouTube channel or on Gwen's grief-guide Facebook page. In this way, we will be able to answer listeners questions right away giving us an even better sense of community. The next Livestream will be on Tuesday, November 16th at 8pm Eastern time. The topic will be on how grieving people can get through the holiday season.

Episode 106: Support: Who Do I Feel Better Around?

We have spoken many times over the past two years about the fact that there is no 'right way' to grieve and that different people grieve in very different ways, even if they are grieving the same person in the same family. Archie and Elina are great examples of this very point. From the first days after Garret died in a tragic car accident just over a year ago now, their grief journeys looked very, very different.  Elina, Garret's sister felt motivated to do everything even bigger than she did before his death. Birthdays and holidays needed to be bigger and better. She went back to work at her summer job almost immediately, and today is determined to study hard and live a life that would make Garret proud. She even started an Instagram account discussing sibling grief under the name, @garretssister. Garret's mother, Archie, on the other hand, felt completely paralyzed after Garret's death. She felt as if she couldn't even live her life, let alone go back to work. These overwhelming feelings lasted for months and only recently has she felt ready to even enter the workplace. For her, the goal is to just get through each day, not to live bigger. She needed time to mourn quietly before being able to return to more 'normal' activities. You might think that these two different ways of grieving in the same household might cause conflict, and I'm sure in some households, it does. For this family, however, it does not. It is beautiful to me how the two of them are so accepting of what the other needs. Elina does not get frustrated with her mother and her need for time by herself to process. Archie did not feel hurt when Elina jumped back into her life. According to Archie, the key to this acceptance is unconditional patience. Grieving family members need to have patience with each other, and perhaps even more importantly, have patience with themselves. We need to know that no matter how much or how little time we need in certain areas of our grief, our loved ones will accept us. Our friends and family will be there waiting with open arms whenever we need them. That is an amazing lesson for all of us to remember that grief should always be free of judgment.

Episode 105: Garret's Mom & Sister

Live in the moment. When Joni's son, Martin, was dying from cancer at the age of 18, the family asked him if he had any words of advice for his newborn baby sister. His answer, "Live in the moment." Those four simple words pack a lot of punch when you really think about them. They remind us to appreciate each and every day. Don't worry about what might happen or what you might be missing. Just enjoy what you have. Martin's medical history is about as complex as any I have had on the show. He was born in kidney failure and had to start dialysis as a newborn. He survived and even thrived after getting a kidney transplant. As a child, he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and finally died after getting lymphoma as a teen. Throughout these years, Joni suffered with infertility and loss. She finally became pregnant with a healthy little girl and only gave birth a few short weeks before Martin died.  If any family had a right to complain about their lot in life, it would have been this family. This is probably why they are so inspiring to me. They didn't grumble. They lived in the moment. When Martin's favorite NFL team, the Denver Broncos, made it to the Super Bowl, they went to the game. Was that a smart financial decision for them? Absolutely not, but they went anyway, enjoying the moment. Right as Joni was giving birth to Marlee, the family was told the Martin was dying and could be discharged from the hospital to go into hospice care. They did not just make the decision to move him home, however. They decided to move their entire family from Oregon to Denver, Colorado where Martin had dreamed of living someday. There, with the support of a hospice team, this new family of four had a precious two weeks together before Martin died surrounded by his loving family. They, undoubtedly lived in the moment. Today, 2 1/2 years later, Martin's family still lives in the moment and works to spread that message far and wide. They formed The NittyStrong Foundation (nittystrong.org), to provide scholarships for teens as well as support children's athletics. Joni has even spent time working as a nurse in the very hospice that helped her own family get those precious last days with Martin. This is her gift to others so they can make their own special family moments in the last days of their own loved ones. What an amazing inspiration to us all to live in the moment each and every day.

Episode 104: Martin's Mom

Emmy's Mom, Erin, knew her daughter was going to be a special girl from the moment she was born. Emily (known by her family as Emmy) was born on 8/03/03 at 3:08pm weighing 8 lbs 3oz in labor room 308. She quickly became the talk of the entire labor and delivery floor. Everyone wanted to meet the girl with all of the 3's and 8's.  Emmy's special nature had only just begun in that labor room. For the next 17 years, Emmy continued to be special and unique although not always in the fun ways of those first minutes and hours. She was always an emotional girl. Her highs were amazingly high, but her lows were very low as well. She had ADHD and struggled in school. Eventually, she had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. There were hospitalizations, medications, therapy. Sometimes, life was hard. Making friends did not always come easy for Emily either. Kids could be very mean to her, but she had a kind, forgiving nature. She could be easily picked on because, by the following day, her mood would brighten and she would be quick to forgive any wrongs done to her the previous day. There were really never any consequences for being mean to Emily.  Today, Erin talks about her sweet daughter, Emmy, and her kind nature. She talks about the bullying that she endured throughout her life (and even after her death). She talks about those first moments after realizing her daughter was in a car accident with her car somewhere in the cold water at the bottom of a canal. She talks about the call that came months later when the police told her that it was not an accident at all, but that Emmy decided to drive into the water that night.  She also talks about her own life now, seven months later, and working with families to teach more about the consequences of bullying. Kindness is something that can be learned. It is so easy these days to hide behind a screen and say mean comments toward others. The impact of those comments often run far deeper than the person could ever guess. Getting out from behind that phone or computer is key. Interact with others in positive, supportive ways. Erin has even made a Facebook page, Emmy's Champions, that encourages all of us to perform little kindnesses to others, always paying it forward. She hopes in this way, Emmy's life, can bring a bit of peace to others who have been quietly suffering.

Episode 103: Emmy's Mom

Today's guest, Laura, loves sharing the story of her son, Luke, and his amazing teen faith in God. Throughout all of his struggles with cancer, he never lost that faith. Luke always lived with an eternal perspective. He was an inspiration to so many people, including his own mother. In the days before Luke's death, the one thing he wanted to do before he died was to be on a work crew at a Young Life Camp. He had gone to Young Life Camps many times as a camper. His parents were in ministry and heavily involved in camp. While other kids may want to spend their last days a little more selfishly, all Luke wanted to do is serve at this camp, share his testimony and make new friends. The dream almost didn't even happen. Luke was so sick and so weak from the cancer at this point, even he started to give up on his dream. Shortly after arriving, he told his mom, "I think we should just go home. I can't do this." Laura said at this point she went outside and started really yelling at God. "You can't even give him this one thing?" she sobbed, "I have accepted that he is going to die, but you can't give him this one last thing that he wanted!" She said that she didn't even pray to ask for a bit of healing, she just yelled. But God hears our angry hearts, too, and I love that. God answered her unasked prayer and gave him a renewed energy that lasted one more week to the end of that camp. Now, did Luke really get to do much 'work' at camp? No - he did not, but he did meet new friends and get to share his story. On the final day of a week with campers, Luke stood up on his prosthetic leg for the last time and held up a sign which read, 'Broken on earth' on the front and 'Made whole in Heaven' on the back. Now, did those campers know his whole story? No - they did not. No one knew that is the very last time that Luke would stand on his own with his prosthetic leg. Today, Laura talks about her son and his forever servant heart and about her own broken (and sometimes angry) mother's heart that isn't always so accepting. It is so inspiring to hear her story, and the fact that now, four years later, she is working through her own brokenness to have a serving heart once again.

Episode 102: Luke's Mom

This episode of the Always Andy's Mom podcast focuses on relationships and loss. Today, I have the privilege to speak with two guests mourning the loss of two special people in their lives. Just over one year ago, Nicholas (Nico) and his 4 year old son, Julian (Juju), were killed in a car accident when they went out for a quick trip to get ice cream. In a moment, the lives of the two women who loved them most were changed forever. Janie lost her son and grandson while her daughter-in-law, Andrea, lost her husband and son. Both were experiencing tremendous loss with the deaths of these two amazing people. Janie originally reached out to me, but knew that she couldn't do their story justice unless Andrea joined her. It is so beautiful to hear about them from two different perspectives, to hear about the little boy and the man and father Nico grew to become as well as learn more about young Juju and his developing personality. This conversation really shows the differences between people who mourn the same person. Andrea's loss of a son is different than the loss of her husband. Janie's loss of her son is different than the loss of her grandson. This is not to say that one is better or worse than the other, but they are different. I actually noticed that the time when these two women seemed the most similar is when they were discussing their grief regarding the loss of their sons. This demonstrates even more the importance of grieving parents bonding together and relying on each other for support. It often does not matter the ages or the circumstances of the loss; they were our children. Family members have their roles in supporting us while other bereaved parents have a slightly different role. Perhaps that is why Janie and Andrea are so good for each other. They can be both. 

Episode 101: Nico's Mom & Wife; Juju's Grandma & Mom

Two years ago, when I started the Always Andy's Mom podcast, I never could have imagined getting to episode 100. I remember Eric saving the first episode on the computer which he named 'Episode 001.' I thought it was ridiculous that he would put three digits. I never expected that first digit would ever be anything other than a zero, but here we are. As of this moment, the podcast has over 72,000 downloads in 78 different countries. It is bigger than me. It is even bigger than Andy. Today's podcast episode is far different than the others. It is a recording of a livestream event that Eric and I did last night. On it we talk about these two huge milestones occurring within days of each other - the 3 year anniversary of our accident and the death of Andy and the celebration of 100 episodes of the podcast. The timing of these events truly feels meant to be. It absolutely was not planned in any way. In fact, if I had not taken off the week of Christmas my first year and 2 weeks early in the pandemic last year, these events would have been almost a month apart. It seems fitting somehow that they are happening at the same time. August is now incredibly difficult for me. I am constantly reminded of the things that 'should' be happening. Andy should be 17 years old. He should be starting his senior year of high school. He should be looking at colleges. He should be like other teens complaining about the pandemic and what the experiences it has robbed from him. Yet, life is far, far different for us than the way it 'should' be. This 100 episode milestone, however, distracts a little bit from all of those things. Today, I honestly have visions of Andy running around heaven telling absolutely everyone how excited he is that his mom is on Episode 100! That vision of Andy makes me smile - the vision of him talking with the children of all of these amazing parents I have met over these past two years. Yes, I think there may be just a little more laughter in heaven today caused by my Andy and his infectious smile.

Episode 100: Livestream with Marcy & Eric

Unlike all of my previous guests, when Miles' mom, Kate, first contacted me in January of this year, her sweet, almost 1 year old son, was still alive. They had just taken Miles home to die after learning that his cancer had spread to the point where treatment could no longer be effective. Kate and her husband were grasping at anything, trying to prepare themselves for his death, perhaps trying to limit some of the pain that they knew would be coming. Kate knew, even then in January, that she would want to share Miles' story with others. She just didn't know when that would be and what exactly that story would be like. During those days and weeks at home, Kate and her husband, along with both sets of grandparents, sang to Miles, played with Miles and even celebrated his 1st birthday. They tried to get ready as well for the day they knew was right around the corner. It turns out though, as much as you'd like to, you can't truly prepare for the death of your child. You can't prepare yourself for how quiet the house suddenly becomes. You can't prepare yourself for the fact that after weeks and months of your life revolving around that care of your child, it is suddenly over. There is nothing left to do, nothing left to prepare for. Life is now just the 'after' - that moment where your child, and in Kate's case, their only child, is gone. Today, only months after Miles' death, Kate is ready to share Miles with the world, on this podcast, as well as on her blog, thisgrievingmama.ca. The wound is certainly still fresh and raw. Some days, in fact, she wonders if the whole thing was even real. Did she really even have a baby? Did that year where Miles was alive even exist? Miles was born shortly before the COVID pandemic began. His life ended before the pandemic did. It's hard to even imagine that an entire life was lived during the time the world shut down, but for Miles and his little family, that is exactly what happened.

Episode 99: Miles' Mom

Over the past almost two years, I have interviewed dozens of bereaved parents. I have learned something from each and every one of them. All of them have done something they never thought possible after the deaths of their children. Some of these things are big, like starting a foundation or organization to help others and keep the memories of their children alive. Some have done smaller, quieter gestures. All have been brave enough to share their stories with other bereaved parents on the podcast. This is why when Gwen and I recorded Part 1 of Meaning Making (Episode 90), we thought that we would have more people write back to us about what meaningful things they had been able to accomplish than we would have time to share them. It turns out, we were absolutely wrong. Although each one of my former guests could have written in, only one actually did. I got a total of three emails, and one of those emails was to explain why although she wanted to be one of my 'success stories,' she couldn't ever imagine actually ever climbing out of that deep dark pit of grief enough to accomplish anything meaningful. That got me thinking, "Why did nobody write in when so many could have?" I realized something then; it is because almost nobody really feels like they have done something brave or amazing. Bereaved parents, me included, just feel like we are doing what we need to do to survive - nothing more, nothing less. We start a foundation or a podcast because our children deserve to be remembered, not because we are brave or think we have grown through the trauma. I think of the number of times people have told me that I am strong over these past almost three years. I actually hate hearing those words. I never feel strong; I still feel like I am still just in survival mode doing what I need to do to get through. So this episode is much different than I thought it would be. Instead of celebrating victories, it reminds us that sometimes, others can see victory and be helped by us, even when personally, we still feel like we are barely hanging on. * As a bonus today as well, I tack on a little bonus episode where I interview Bryson's doctor from Episode 87. If you remember, Dr. B had a huge impact on both Bryson and his mom. I needed to reach out and learn a little bit from his side of the story.

Episode 98: Meaning Making 2 (+ Bryson's Doctor)

Imagine for just a moment that you are on a long-planned 'girls trip' to Las Vegas for a fun weekend with 10 of your closest friends from college. It is a time you've been looking forward to for weeks, planned and re-planned, coordinating everyone's individual schedules to fly across the country and arrive at about the same time. Imagine now, that you wake up in your hotel room early that first morning to your phone ringing. It is your husband, crying on the other end of the phone, making the hardest call he has ever had to make in his life. Your only child, your precious 4 year old daughter, without any warning, died in her sleep the night before. The screaming starts then, the guttural noises that you'd never imagine that could come out of you. For today's guest, Aimee, this was not a bad dream; this was real life, and somehow, it was her life. She says that in the midst of the nightmare that day though, she truly saw the goodness of people, working to get her back to Virginia Beach as quickly and easily as possible. In the days and weeks after the death of her daughter, Eliza, Aimee found a strength that she never knew that she had. Days after Eliza's death, she began to have the dream of starting a foundation in Eliza's name. This foundation would offer support to families of children like Eliza who suffered from autism. It would offer every type of therapy those children need as well as hope and support for their parents after receiving this life-changing diagnosis. Amazingly, the Eliza Hope Therapy Center opened its doors 1 1/2 years after Eliza's death. Today, the center does exactly what Aimee hoped it would when she first imagined it five years ago. They now see 150 children a week and offer hope to 4-5 new families each week as well. From the depths of grief and tragedy, something truly amazing was born. Eliza lives on through the foundation giving so much happiness to other families.

Episode 97: Eliza's Mom

Marcie's son, Michael's, motto for life was as follows: 'The purpose of life is to help others through it.' Michael lived that motto every single day of his 27 years. After suffering through cancer as a child, he knew hospitals. Michael knew that hospitals were boring places for children and that overall, kids and families don't want to be there.  After Michael received a precious, rare 'goodie bag' from the hospital during one of his many hospitalizations, an idea was planted in the mind of Michael and his family. New games and toys are fun. They add just a little bit of excitement to an otherwise boring day. His mother thought, 'This is something we can do to help other families like ours, making life just a little bit better during a hard, trying time.' Their organization, Boredom Busters was formed. Since its founding in 2004, Boredom Busters has changed and grown. Initially, they provided boxes of games and toys to school-aged children, but then expanded to make them for the very young as well. Michael's cancer stayed in remission for years as he graduated from high school, college and even began his career, but Boredom Busters continued. Michael thought that his days at hospitals were over, but they still worked to help other families through their Boredom Buster boxes. After Michael's cancer returned in adulthood, he made packages for young adults as well. Overall, thousands of bags have been distributed to hospitals and grateful families all over the country. Sadly, Michael did not see the day that Boredom Busters became a 501c(3) charity. That happened one day after his death last year in 2020, but through Boredom Busters, Michael's motto can continue. He and his family can, through Boredom Busters, continue to help others get through life just a little bit easier and make it more fun in the process. *For more information on Boredom Busters, visit them on their website, boredom-busters.org. You can also follow them on Facebook - Boredom Busters and on Instagram @BoredomBustersInc. They have an amazing online auction on July 31st so be sure to check that out as well!

Episode 96: Michael's Mom

When pediatrician mom of three, Marcy Larson's 14 yo son, Andy, was killed in a car accident in 2018, she felt like her life was over. In many ways, that life was over, and a new one forced to begin in its place. Come alongside her as she works through this journey of healing. She discusses grief and child loss with other grieving parents and those who work to help them in their grief. This podcast is for grieving parents and well as those who support them.

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Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom

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