Today in Yugoslavia, a manic pixie dream princess is trying to spend ten thousand hours practicing embroidery, but her parents keep bugging her to marry. She falls in love with a pigeon-man who flies into her window and into the milk bowl of her heart. After he ghosts her, she concocts an elaborate scheme to find him. But will she ever be Main Character beautiful again?For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Old Wives

Beauty and the Beak

Welcome back to Russia, where one Ivan pulls ahead of the pack. He has to kill some pretty standard-issue monsters, but the monsters' parents find out and that's when Ivan's journey really takes off. He'll head to the Invisible Kingdom in the Unknown Land with the help of some old men who enjoy beer and steam baths and they'll have a lovely time. Really. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Unlimited Breadsticks

Today we're in New Zealand to hear a tale of two wizards, both of them jerks. What starts with a lost fish hook rapidly escalates into a wizard vs wizard war. When one of them breaks some obscure rule of wizarding and gets turned permanently into a fish, the other one is happy to take the W. After that, it's time to net his nemesis, and you'd better stay out of his way. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Inglourious Wizerds

This episode marks the conclusion of our lil vacation, and of our raid on the patron-exclusives vault. If you like it, consider joining the club for fresh anthology eps every month. Until then, here's how we described this throwback to November 2020 when it was fresh:We're back for another episode of mini stories from around the world exclusively for Patrons. This crop features kings in disguise, magic shape-shifters, an awesome party, and even a classic evil stepmother, so put on your dancin' shoes, and let's party.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Declassified: Haypennies, volume 4

Our three-week hiatus continues. Like last week, we're pleased to share our patron-exclusive episode, this one from October of 2021. Here's how we described it back then:Welcome to another episode of small tales for Patrons. We'll alternate telling six different tiny ghost stories from all over the globe. Along the way, we'll meet ghosts that talk, howl, fight, stare, fall, and, of course, terrify. Thanks for the support, and happy haunting!For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Declassified: Haypennies, volume 3

We're taking a little break for the remainder of the month. We're going to enjoy it, and we'd like you to enjoy it, too. So for the next three weeks we'll be releasing to the public a few of our patron-exclusive episodes from last year. Apropos of the current month, this week's comes to you all the way from 9/9/2020, and here's how we described it then:We're back with another episode of small bites for Patrons. We'll alternate telling six different tiny stories from around the globe, each more absurd than the last, starting with a wonderful pumpkin and culminating in a talking baby who wants you to feel shame (yes, you). Thanks for almost an entire year of support! For sources and links, support us on Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Declassified: Haypennies, volume 2

We've got a Celtic story today about a guy on a hot streak. When he finally loses at cards, he'll get sucked into some drama between his opponent and a couple with a past they'd rather keep hidden. Get ready for some unusually weird horses, a mysterious giant hand, a comically bad marriage, and the sorts of high shenanigans worthy of our ONE HUNDREDTH EPISODE!For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Rod is My Co-Pilot

Today we're in Russia where a prince ends up with a frog for a wife because he sucks at archery. His attempts to hasten the end of her curse make things worse, and when she leaves he has nobody to make his rugs for him. To get her back, he'll have to enlist the help of Baba Yaga and a vodka-drunk bear on a unicycle—this is Russia, after all. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

No Mulligans, Son

We're in Haiti today to hear about a boy who decides to be a hunter. That's going well for him until he bonds with a particular bird, not realizing it's a magic pigeon. The pigeon's gizzard will bring unending wealth to whoever eats it, which turns out to be more of a curse than you might imagine. Join us for a wildly anachronistic rollercoaster of a tale!For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

And We'll Never Be Royals

Today we're in the Colorado River Valley to meet a great hunter who is otherwise incapable of taking care of himself. He sets out with his sister, but even she can't make him remember to pray. The Gods find out, because of course they do, and it'll take a long canoe ride and a whole lotta snakes to set things right again.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Snakes on a Plain

We're in Wales this week to hear about a man who is hell bent on interrupting a woman on an errand no matter the cost. Thanks to a bottomless bag and a clever disguise, they throw off her current suitor and get married. But her baby goes missing, and she has no choice but to give people horsey rides to atone for her crimes. Need a lift?For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

A Tryst to Remember 2: The Remembering

Today we're in Armenia to hear a gritty prestige drama about a youngest brother with one hell of a chip on his shoulder. After their dad's throne is usurped by their uncle, he sets out with his two brothers intent on taking out anything that gets in their way—even time itself. His name is Mirza, and he WILL kill again. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

There Might Be Giants

Today we're in Ireland to meet a king's son whose lucky garmbling streak has come to an end. A giant wins the prince's head, and the kid's got a year and a day to get out of the deal. Some old spinsters with weird teeth help the prince find the giant's castle, but when he gets there, he'll still have a lot of sh*t to shovel before he's in the clear.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Loser Takes All

We're in Poland this week to meet a king with twelve sons and one daughter. When the evil stepmother swoops in, she gets right to work turning the princes into eagles and the princess into a dove. With the help of a random bystander, the princess will have to collect her sorrows and keep everyone well-fed to escape her stepmother's curse alive. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Dude Where's My Carbs

Join us in Siberia to meet The Sun and several of his children. Particularly, his three daughters, who've all fallen for the same lowly fisherman. He loves the youngest of the three, but the two elder sisters lure him to the murky swamps and glittering hills to steal him. When Dad hears about it he is Big Mad, and things get weird fast. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

The Sun Also Chastises

Amy Stephenson and Casey Childers are writers who like to tell stories. Our current timeline is baffling, and so we're looking back to some very old stories to see if they can help us figure out what the moral of our wacky present might be. Will we find it? Dust a ring of salt around yourself and join us to find out.

hubhopper

Old Wives

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