This week on Phonies, Mari is joined by Leslie Kumquat (Onnalee Kelley), a historian of the English language and one who chooses her words very carefully. She blows our minds explaining her gifts for seeing words, fallen vowels and The Great Vowel Shift, how the Vikings created the English language, how romantic the letter “f” is and how horrible the letter “p” is, how diphthong is a diphthong, the Fire of 1666, and how the Queen told people to figure their shit out and start writing things down. Plus, Mari offends her, which was to be expected. Leslie even reads some early excerpts of the English language and shares an early rap! We are the history™

Phonies

The Great Vowel Movement (with Onnalee Kelley)

Patrick Hoolihan (Sean Dengler), master pasta historian, joins Mari this week all the way from Italy! He left his family 15 years ago and devoted his life to studying the craft with Chef Maestro in an intricate and extensive program. Patrick shares some of his favorite pasta historical facts, how pasta is made (hint: it’s all about a positive attitude) food and wine pairings for pasta and he reveals that the Pope is also the Protector and Guarder of All Things Pasta. He also ranks his top 5 favorite pastas and they discuss their mutual dislike of elbow pasta. Patrick share stories of when he heard lasagna speaking to him and the time he was gifted pasta from Pope Francis and the Pasta Gods at the top of Mount Killing! He wraps up chatting about his journey to pasta enlightenment and becoming the Pasta Man.

Criss Angel Hair (with Sean Dengler)

This week on Phonies, Mari spoke to Taffy Williams (Matt Still), a tattoo artist known for his unusual methods. They cover a lot of ground, starting with bad tattoo jobs and ending with murder! He explains how he first got interested in sticking needles into people, his unusual relationship with Justin Gregory, a high school friend of his, how he used tattoos for revenge, tattoos over fat rolls and some of his other favorite extravagant tattoos, and how he began killing people while giving them tattoos “Sweeney Todd” style. Long story short, all-nighters are NOT Taffy’s friend. 911 now just assumes its Taffy calling every single time and he’s the first one to get negative stars on Yelp – talk about fame! In the end, Mari discovers that her tattoo from Taffy will probably end up killing her slowly.

Lookin’ At It Means Happiness (with Matt Still)

It’s been a minute, but we’re BACK. This week Mari had the joy of speaking with Liz Baumtraut (Maria Gnoza), the owner of Liz’s Hardware Store (essentials only) and an expert on all things hardware. They chat about Liz's humble beginnings in the woods, opening a wood plank stand and then eventually opening her customer-focused hardware store! She spills the beans on her three employees, their unique paint sampling techniques in customer’s homes and why she’ll never sell drills in her store. They dissect the rivalry Liz has with Lizzie’s Hardware Store down the street from her and Mari gets riled up… Plus, Mari learns the secrets behind naming paint colors! Hardware is art, never forget it.

But What Was This Person Like in High School? (with Maria Gnoza)

This week, we have Suzie Hartkorn (Jill Leary) on the pod, who is a professional stock broker and true Warren Buffett enthusiast! Suzie explains the origin of the occupation and plugs her book “Money Home, Come Home,” where she dives into the history of the American banking system and how to read money accurately. She gives us a sneak peek into her stock brokering routine (which is quite unconventional but also incredibly beautiful!) and her education in charting and graphing. Plus, she spills the tea about a few of her celebrity clients whose money she’s managing. Suzie also makes it very clear that you can’t call a house a mansion unless it has a water feature in the front of it. To wrap up, Suzie gives Mari some expert advice in what stocks she should invest in; mostly megaphones. PRO TIPS FROM SUZIE: Now is the time to invest in Boeing, drones and any company that’s as close to the ocean coastline as physically possible. Also, make sure you stay alive for as long as possible to take full advantage of your BULK stocks.

Fidelity: The Website for Money (with Jill Leary)

It’s the second even live recording of Phonies! We had THREE, count ‘em, THREE guests, and this week it’s all about camp! First, we hear from Kurt (Travis Cherniss) who manages the sanitation of all beds and bed ovens at Camp Mahowa (really PCR Academy Camp), owned by the Reynolds Wrap family. We also hear from Rosie (Tricia Arvanis) who works at a youth drug rehabilitation center, Camp OopsieX, as a music counselor. She originally attended the camp as a crack baby and now helps run it with her mom and dad, Jo and Joe. Finally, we hear from Toby (Paul Privitera), who is literally the devil. He enjoys killing nuns at Christian camps and planning the end of times. To wrap it all up, Mari talks to all three special guests and tries to make a few friends.

Phonies LIVE Goes to Camp! (with Travis Cherniss, Tricia Arvanis & Paul Privitera

We’ve got Bucky James (Carter Chapman) on the podcast this week, what a treat! Bucky is a handyman, specializing in lightbulbs – cause everyone needs to specialize now – and he explains how a tragic tornado led him to a life of handy work. He talks about his helicopter drop-offs to some crazy lightbulb jobs, different types of bougie and non-bougie lightbulbs, and the time he changed a lightbulb on the top of the Sears Tower. Bucky talks about the three-year lightbulb-changing training program and his secret lightbulb fraternity. Finally, he blows our mind with the idea that lightbulbs will outlive humans… Hopefully one day Bucky will be asked to change the lightbulb on the moon!

Just Change Lightbulbs (with Carter Chapman)

This week on Phonies, we have Britney Kortz (Molly Brandt), a professional Millennial consultant, working day and night to mediate the Millennial/Baby Boomer feud. (Let it be known that she is 45 years old, therefore a Gen Xer and a third-party perspective). We learn about all the things that Millennials are killing, including other human beings?!? And in fact, all generations kill people?!?! Britney also talks about her retreat/rehab center where she brings Millennials and Baby Boomers together to ease tension, mentor each other, spark joy, and learn more about the other generation – we promise, it’s not a cult. We also hear about Britney’s confusion as a Gen Xer and how that sparked her line of work, her education at the Choir School and her major in Millennialism. Oh and the retreat is for sure a cult. And they’re working with Ja Rule on a new retreat project, so don’t trust Britney. Did we mention she’s 45? Sponsored by Entitled Titles.

Another Murderer? IN THIS GENERATION?! (with Molly Brandt)

Sandy and Ashley (Travis Cherniss and Will Frazier) join us for this episode of Phonies to chat about their traveling dueling piano show, Ashes and Sand (formerly the Thunder Trio). They talk about Ashley’s late brother, Shelia, who used to open for them with a puppeteer act. They also explain what a piano is to Mari and what the “dueling” part of their name really means; they started out with lances, ramps and actual piano fighting! Sandy explains his family fortune, from the invention of craisins (and their Disney rivalry) to the du Pont family that the movie Foxcatcher is based on, and then shares his various sexual escapades with other famous pianists. They chat about the craziest venues and events they’ve played at, including a ChumbawamBoat cruise, and the MadTV theme songs they wrote. Mari asks some insensitive questions about the keys of the piano, and Sandy and Ashley also sing. A lot.

ChumbawamBoat (with Travis Cherniss and Will Frazier)

It’s our first episode of 2019 – buckle in, ladies and gents! We have a marionettist, Christina Rube (Tyler Poirier) on Phonies to kick off the year (aka one who makes marionettes). Did you know that marionette puppets were named after the Virgin Mary? Mari learns all about Christina’s wood carving beginnings, the triumphs and hardships of Geppetto and his effect on her life, her lack of a social life, her repertoire of work, and her marionettist hands exercises and training. Christina had a crazy installation at a Met Gala and also did some work the Lion King on Broadway. They also get deep discussing the ways in which humans control their own reality and plot holes in The Sound of Music. Finally, Mari also asks the hard-hitting question: has Christina ever had a sexual experience with one of her marionettes? Only one way to find out – listen to the episode.

Your Work Is Your Life, Your Life Is Your Work (with Tyler Poirier)

The last episode of 2018 is a super special one – it’s Phonies’ first LIVE episode from the Casting Out Podcast Festival at Lefty's Live Music in Des Moines, IA! Mari talks to THREE count ‘em THREE experts from the Tallahassee Trail! We’ve got John Lovingsworth (Sam Fathallah), who’s spent the last 10 years tracing the trail for weddings and providing them with crocodile taxidermy, avenging his father’s death. We also got Sierra (Jackie Wessels), a sophomore at University of Tallahassee, giving us the scoop on the Tallahassee young persons scene and Gator Week. And finally, we got Trent Rezner (Travis Cherniss), the owner of Trail Clearing, LLC and self-proclaimed “hero” (not to be confused with the singer/songwriter). Trent chats about all the trails, including the Tallahassee Trail, that he’s cleared of people and things. It’s a riveting group that you do NOT want to miss!

LIVE from Casting Out Festival (with Sam Fathallah, Jackie Wessels & Travis Cherniss)

On this week’s episode, Mari is joined by Jeffrey Canclimb (Jake Hackman), a professional mountain climber, to chat all things mountains and climbing. We learn about the souls of mountains, the Sherpa caste system, why Jeff has been banned from the Climber Club of America, how certain mountains are teaming up and “mean girling” against Jeff right now, that islands are just pregnant mountains, why there’s snow at the top of mountains, the process of naming mountains and so much more. What a treat! But don’t be fooled, because you don’t need a whole lot of treats/food while climbing mountains because you’re going up but not covering any distance, so you’re not exerting any energy. Everyone knows that.

Jeffrey CAN Climb (with Jake Hackman)

We’ve got another A-list celeb on Phonies this week – it’s Dennis Quaid (Jackie Wessels), ladies and gents! We dive deep into all his famous works; we’re talking Parent Trap (spoiler: there are two Lohan twins, it’s not just Lindsay), Homeward Bound, Boy Meets World, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, a Gone with the Wind reboot that flopped, Dr. Doolittle, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, a bunch of Hallmark movies, The Bee Movie, P.S. I Love You, Joe Dirt, Grown-Ups 1 & 2 and who could forget his pivotal role in Oscar award-winning Moonlight. Don’t fact-check any of those. Not to mention his sponsorship with Dairy Queen, his tight-knit family, Dennis’ latest hobbies, and the fact that he looks identical to the Iowa Governor candidate, Fred Hubbell. Stay tuned for his new project, “Christmas with the Quaids” coming in 2020!

The Quaid Quaggle (with Jackie Wessels)

IT’S PHONIES’ 20TH EPISODE!!!! And boy do we have a show for you – Mari brings on three podcasting experts to give her some tips and tricks on how SHE can become an expert, herself! We’ve got Josh (Sam Fathallah), the terrified cable intern, Christina Dior (Zoe Zuidema), fashion designer for the podcast (and yes, she’s Christian’s sister), and Luann (Jasen Emamian), the podcast dog wrangler – and they work on the legendary pod “The Jiminy Cricket Story,” hosted by Geppetto, Steve Buscemi and Peter Segal, of course. Mari learned A LOT from these three, and her living situation is finally revealed. But no other spoilers this time – I’ll let our 20th episode speak for itself ☺ (And listen for hidden Easter eggs from past Phonies episodes, cause apparently my friends think they’re really funny.)

Just Another Boom Op - 20th Episode (w/ Jasen Emamian, Sam Fathallah & Zoe Zuidema)

It’s the episode you’ve all been waiting for - IT’S CAT WEEK AT PHONIES (sponsored by CatShit.com)!!! Two amazing cat experts joined us; Carol Winthrop III (Molly Brandt), a professional Cat Show judge, and Janet (Jordan Toschak), a cat hair hand-knitter and crazy cat lady, are here to spread all their cat knowledge. Carol and Janet have known each other since the 80s and from all the cat shows that Carol judged and Janet grabbed cat hair from – and also from their common law marriage. What do you judge cats on? I’m glad you asked – girth from all angles, the measurement from the anal tip to the nose, and their blood type. Carol and Janet also dish on the bitch Nancy Pfeifferman, so if you’re listening to this Nancy, cover your ears. CAT FUN FACTS: there are at least 10 types of cats and the circumference of a standard cat is at least 6. And cats don’t have nine lives, YOLO, duh. Stick through it to the end because Carol makes a SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT! (Hint: She hates cats.)

MEOWottcha! (with Molly Brandt & Jordan Toschak)

Phonies is an improvised podcast hosted by Mari Moroz, who interviews experts in various fields. And we definitely know what we're talking about.

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Phonies

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