ATTENTION: SEASON FINALE“No man is an island unto himself” – John Donne. An interesting poem, but it seems to be an idea that is quite often forgotten today. In film and television, the Bechdel Test, the simplest of ideas on whether or not a movie is female positive, is so often failed, even by those awarded Oscars. So, when given the chance, what fresh new ideas can the female mind bring to the table? If the saying goes “when the cat’s away, the mice will play,” what will Mort’s mistreated, downtrodden friends do when he’s late to his own podcast recording? This Episode: An absolutely true day in the life of normal, everyday woman. Regenerating men. Kevin James. The latest Ghostbusters movie is given the long overdue respect it deserves, and Mort reveals a concerning twist of fate.Starring Taylor and Cool Story, Needs More Girls hosts Lizz and Maggie

Pitching and Moaning

Ep. 12: Cool Story, Needs Less Mort

Sometimes it's important to go back to the basics.  Everyone loves a good classic, and Mort and his friends are no different. So when you have a concept that feels tried and stale, just add some Naz- Actually, nevermind. We just saw the news. Carry on. Topics include: Plagiarism, Punisher, Peter Dinklage, Puns. Starring Lizz and Maggie from Cool Story, Needs More Girls.

Ep. 11: Sharkwitches vs Merpires vs Cthulhu vs Nazis

Despite what the Victorian ages have taught us, you cannot solve all your problems by throwing orphans at it. Learning this the hard way, Mort is forced to keep searching for that million-dollar pitch. Which he does after about 15 minutes of dick jokes. Seriously. Don't worry, we hate it too.Topics: Adoption, Magicians, Dark Magic, Light Magic, the 80's, Copyright Infringement.Starring Bobbi and Michelle.

Ep. 10: Musical the Magical Musical

Thanks to Paula Deen being Paula Deen, Mort is left trying to find yet another show to pitch. Jake is excited to help, of course, but Taylor is... less enthused. Topics include: Amazon drones, cyberpunk girl love, warehouse quotas, recycled children, and reimaginings of the classics.

Ep. 9: Frankenorphan

Despite the silence, Mort has not actually succeeded in being ridiculously, obscenely, offensively rich. Turns out Adam Sandler isn’t that great a connection to have, so now we’re back to creating more pitches! We’re sorry. Topics include: Lamps, women and their roles in the background, Paula Deen, revitalizing Sega’s long dead career. Starring: Lizz and Maggie (Cool Story, Needs More Girls), and Jake.

Ep. 8: Food Network Streams

Refusing to adhere to the numerous cease and desist letters he received, Mort pushes forward, trying to come up with new ideas. It goes about as well as you think.Topics: Snakes, international waters, dancing, serpents, death, Willem Dafoe, pythons, Gary Busey, Netflix, and scaly reptiles. Starring Lincoln, Valencia, and Bobbi.

Ep. 7: Death and the Pony Boys

This week, Mort sets his sights on the stars above! Again! And also Catgirls! Again! We're beginning to think he may need to go outside more. Or less. One or the other. Topics include: Vin Diesel, a brief statement in defense of Transformers, lessons in kidnapping, Toppers. Mmmmm.... Toppers. Starring Taylor, Emily, and Kat.

Ep. 6: Love Jungle

[Warning: this ep includes a couple of terrifying screams that sound like they come from an eldrich horror, but really it's just Bryan. Sound at 8:02, 8:50, 9:25]Mortimer finds himself sinking further in debt, leading him to take desperate measures, like bringing on guests that... well, that he really shouldn't. Okay, to be fair, he was doing that before. But still. Topics include: aliens and their incomprehensible music, feeding your cat peanut butter, Bridezilla, Mort's deepest, darkest secret (which you probably discerned from listening to the past 4 episodes).Starring: Bryan and Bobbi.

Ep. 5: Bride Space War

Unperturbed by Bobbi and Sam’s attempts at sabotage, Mort is back yet again to kick things into gear in this industrious episode of Pitching and Moaning! This episode, Jake, Taylor, and Mort discuss: Graffiti, condoms adorned with gears, super ridiculously oily teen robots, the Borg, koalas- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. JOIN THE COLLECTIVE, LISTENER.

Ep. 4: All Our Sweet Dynamite Knights

What happens when you stick three people in a room together and they stop being polite and start being real? Mort discovers the answer the hard way. Types of glue are discussed. Rainbow Clash. Vampire Detectives. Monster Gambling, and which avocados are the best avocados.Starring: Bobbi and Sam.

Ep. 3: Little Pink Arena

Mort's got a crossover episode to pitch to Cartoon Network. So, this is probably the last time you'll hear from him before he's completely stupid famous. DISCLAIMER: STEVEN UNIVERSE and all related characters and elements are trademarks of and © Cartoon Network.  We don't claim to own it or any of the characters. And, despite how it might seem, no one is making any money off of this. Like, any at all. The shitty raccoons are ours though. You can pry those from our cold dead hands.So, what we're saying is, thanks for not suing us, Cartoon Network. 

Bonus Ep: Bandit Kitty Crossover

The second episode of a podcast that was only supposed to be one episode long. This episode: Dick Dastardly. Muttley. Steven Universe. Hannah Barbara. My Little Pony. Ignored references to Rocket Raccoon. Can Mortimer Langford get his latest idea in that sweet, sweet Cartoon Network lineup? Assuming he isn’t hit with a cease and desist letter first?Starring: Jake & Bobbi.

Ep. 2: Bandit Kitty Witches

Working IT can be difficult. It’s complicated, there’s a lot of variables, and more importantly, it cuts into precious, precious Dark Souls time. Join Mortimer Langford each episode as he forces his friends to help him create new TV and Movie pitches so he can get reach and finally kill the Lord of Embers.This episode: Swappable boys, a terrifying (at least, more terrifying than previous) envisioning of Small Soldiers, swappable boys, outdated television channels, and swappable boys. Swappable boys. Swappable boys. Boys that are swappable. Swap them.Starring: Taylor & Bobbi.

Ep. 1: Shiny Pretty Burst

A Bi-Weekly podcast in which Mortimer Langford and his friends (?) try to come up with that sweet, sweet multi-million dollar television pitch.

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Pitching and Moaning

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