Another hot Impossible Lomas production ... Music by Paul Simon Lyrics by Uncle Ted

Roar-Aholics Anonymous

50 Ways to Trade Matt Stafford

Just when we thought we were out ... they drag us back in! For once, the Lions Football Club does something unpredictable and arguably smart, namely moving on from the Matt Stafford era. The only way to respond to such epic news was to host an epic RAA struggle session. And by jove, we deliver. Uncle Ted, Deano, and Impossible Lomas react to new Lions coach Dan Campbell's macho press conference. We're soon joined by Matt Fantetti and Adam Air Low-y, who flatout bring it. We ponder Staff's future and wish him well ... We try to figure out of Jared Goff is good ... and generally applaud the Roar for rolling the dice for once and getting a pretty sweet haul in return for the best QB we've ever had. Will any of this make one bit of difference in the Lion's fortunes? Probably not. But, as always, we're on board for the long haul. So, this is most likely the last episode of this fucked up season. But you never know.

So long, Matty Staff

The RAA crew grudgingly reconvenes for one last pod to eulogize another season that, much like a crippled and ailing dog, desperately needed to be put down and put out of its misery. Should the Roar move on from Matt Stafford, the best Lion's QB of the past 50+ years (and maybe ever)? Will whomever the new coach and GM turn out to be make much of a difference? Will the "braintrust" somehow find a draft sleeper who will turn the franchise around? Will the Fords magically transform into owners dedicated to building a winning franchise?* Anyhow, despite a season crammed with lowlights and depressing outcomes, we had a lot of fun plumbing the depths of a franchise that, despite everything, continues to have a grip on our hearts and minds. I'd like to say that RAA has truly worked and that we won't be back next season ... but you know we will. Until then, Godspeed and good luck. *Yes; probably not; highly unlikely; not in a gazillion years.

Wrapping up another shitty season

One of the few things that could have brought the RAA crew out of retirement actually happened ... the long-awaited sacking of Matt Patricia and Bob Quinn! And yet, we fail to muster much glee. The general tone of this episode is best described as glum and resigned. We do experience a few moments of levity. The news that Amazon is apparently interested in building offices on the site of the former Pontiac Silverdome leads the guys to speculate that, should Amazon actually do this, it will surely lead to the company's downfall--a bitter but just price for having dared to settle on cursed ground. Anyway, not even Deano is of a mind that whomever the next GM and head coach may end up being will make much of a difference. And, to be honest, none of us particularly give a shit. RAA has once again worked its magic, walking us through the steps until, almost without knowing it, we achieve a kind of serenity of having genuinely given up  on the Lions ... I really want to say "given up on the Lions forever!" but we all know that's not true. Despite our better judgement, we'll be back next season. And so will you. Roar.

Farewell Quinntricia ... and Good Riddance

This dark and dreary episode gets off to an appropriately inept start when Deano--who had one goddamn job!--sends the Zoom link 55 minutes late. By the time the crew finally logs on, Uncle Ted is extra irritated, Deano is extra clueless, and Impossible L is only half paying attention. Uncle Ted shares the depressing tale of watching the game alone on a billboard-sized TV in his in-law's basement. Deano reveals that even Lions superfan Little Deano gave up on this game. Impossible is pissed because he actually made a point of designing his day around listening to Possible Lomas call the game and was treated to a good, old-fashioned beatdown that not even Possible could make palatable. The crew agree that the only good thing about this loss is that it left little to the imagination. After exhausting the little there was to say about this emasculating shit show, the guys bitch and moan about life generally, once again hate on the Ford Family, and conduct a half-hearted, semi-deep dive on what superior football club ownership looks like. In the end, the guys don't even bother to make predictions for next week's game and conclude with an appropriately atonal, desultory Roar.

Dark Days Ahead

We officially add Matt Fantetti's prayer to the liturgy ... In the aftermath of a wild, stupid, and utterly predictable last-second comeback win against the Falcons, the RAA crew is forced to actually talk about the game ... Uncle Ted decrees a "no watching YouTube videos during the podcast" rule ... Impossible Lomas describes the experience of listening to Possible Lomas call the game on WJR ... Deano once again manages to keep his shit together ... We contemplate the psychological and physical challenges of enabling the opposing offense to score a touchdown ... Uncle Ted suggest the Roar hire a hypnotist to persuade Matty Staff that it's always less than a minute remaining the 4th quarter with no time outs ... We hatch a plot to travel back in time to prevent the Ford family from buying the Lions in 1960, using our future knowledge of the stock market to amass a fortune and buy the Lions ourselves, and use our future knowledge once again to draft a team of NFL hall of famers ... We conclude, as is our wont, with a melodious three-part harmonic ROAR.

The Most Lions Win Possible

The crew is so excited to welcome special guest Matt "Fatnose" Hoff that we forget to say the Serenity Prayer ... Matt demonstrates a still-impressive knowledge of college football mascots ... Impossible Lomas forces the guys to watch replays of the Roar getting jobbed by the refs near the end of the 2014 playoff loss to Dallas, as well as grainy footage from the Lion's deep past ... We actually do talk about the Roar's win against an extremely terrible Jags squad, albeit without much enthusiasm ... Deano manages to keep his shit together, at least for now ... We get the inside scoop on the shady business practices of Matt Fantetti's Bar & Grill ... Realizing that we skipped the Serenity Prayer up front, we dial it in at the end, after which Matt brings us to tears with a heartfelt, impromptu prayer that  immediately enters the official liturgy. See you fools next time!

Hoff!

Deano comes crashing back to earth after the Lions latest loss ... Impossible Lomas gloats just a little for having nearly perfectly predicted the score (IL predicted Saints 35 - Roar 27; Actual score Saints 35 - Roar 29). Uncle Ted provides a news update on Deano's whereabouts ... Deano regales us with the gory details of his post-loss journey to the bottom ... We contemplate the artistry of losing and honor the Roar as one of the greatest innovators of the medium ... We look ahead to the bye-week with fear in our hearts and confusion clouding our minds.

Impossible Lomas Nails It!

Deano is officially off the wagon, folks ... In the wake of the Lion's improbable victory against the Cardinals, Deano goes full Blandino, hootin' and hollerin' about the glorious resurgence of the Honolulu Blue and Silver brigade. Uncle Ted and, especially, Impossible Lomas are genuinely concerned about Deano's mental state and more generally about the larger implication's of the Roar's first win of the season. Impossible L touts the virtue and honor of the Lakers and Heat in contradistinction to the Lion's utter lack of said qualities. Uncle T admits to not fasting on Yom Kippur and, on the contrary, enjoying an Impossible Burger in a random BK parking lot on the holiest day of the Jewish calendar year. We conclude the pod with predictions for next Sunday's home tilt against the declining Saints (spoiler alert: Deano is extremely bullish on another Roar triumph) and end with our ritual 3-part harmonized ROAR!

Deano Gone Wild

Impossible Lomas Productions presents: "Same Old Lions"

Same Old Lions

"Same Old Lions"

Deano Blandino, Uncle Ted, and Jer, from now on known as "Impossible Lomas", find comfort in knowing that the season is essentially over. Ted proves as much with a chart showing that teams that lose their first two games have only an 11% change of making the playoffs. The guys don't discuss the game much, largely because nobody watched that sad excuse for a professional football contest. The crew is joined by longtime friend and arch nemesis Dr. Steve, who provides some hearty belly laughs and off-color commentary. Impossible Lomas debutes a brand new song that sums up the season and how the guys feel about it. We end with a roof-raising "Roar Gedolah"! in honor of the Jewish New Year!

It's a wrap

Where to begin? Uncle Ted deliberately (and without much arm twisting) not only does not watch or listen to the game but begins recording without any knowledge of  the horror the unspooled at Ford Field. Lucky bastard.  Ted "interviews" Jer (who listened) and Deano (who watched) about what went down ... Jer and Deano do their best to recount the briefly inspiring ups of quarters 1-3 and the all-too-predictable 4th quarter collapse, culminating in the dropped game-winning TD pass that will haunt our collective dreams until the end of days ... Jer self-medicates with a large plastic cup of ginger ale and vodka ... Deano breaks out his best play-by-play ... And so we head into the season of the Jewish high holidays with heavy hearts, thankful at least for our weekly Roaraholics therapy session.

Another great start ...

We're back, ya'll! Season 2 of Roar-Aholics Anonymous ... with Dan "Deano" Shere, Uncle Ted Lowy, and Jeremy "Baghead" Shere, all of us struggling to stay on that rickety wagon, knowing full well that as soon as the 2020 version of the Roar take the field, we're falling off.  In this episode we get a surprise visit from one of Deano's students (yes, Deano has been entrusted by the vaunted University of Michigan to mold the minds of young, aspiring screenwriters) ... we contemplate the return and relevance of sports in the era of COVID ... we basically agree that, despite some "expert" prognostication that the Roar might win their division, the Lions will once again be horrible ... we speculate on how long "Fat" Matt Patricia will last ... and end with win-loss predictions. Enjoy!

We're Back!

Our final episode of a truly stupid and shitty season. True to form, we struggle mightily to simply begin recording, causing Ted to sweat through his shirt and sell his eldest daughter into sex slavery. Deano takes a piss (literally) while recording. Ted plays with his cat. We also look back over a season that began with a disheartening tie, then seemed to maybe kinda sorta be trending in the right direction, then took a giant dump all over Roar Nation. Deano relates an anecdote wherein he and his youngest son are labeled the rudest people ever to board an airplane. We ponder whether the Roar ought to cut ties with Matty Staff and draft a potentially stud QB1. This will absolutely not happen, but still ... We decry the 94-year-old Martha Firestone Ford's leadership and cast shade on her plan to save the franchise by trading for Jim Thorpe.  All in all, while the season truly sucked, we had a blast doing the pod. See ya next season. Roar!

Goodbye and Good Riddance

The three of us--Jeremy Shere, Dan Shere, and Todd Hasak-Lowy, all grew up in the metro Detroit area, and we're all long-time, long-suffering Lions fans. For years, we've endured one crappy season after another and coped by exchanging long, elaborate emails and texts trying to make sense of it all. Existential questions abound: Why do we care? Why do we keep allowing the consistently worst football team of all time lure us back in to keep giving more fucks when we already know how it's gonna end (with yet more heartbreak and self-loathing, obviously)? Why can't we just renounce the Roar once a

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Roar-Aholics Anonymous

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