Sensate focus isn’t a new technique, however, do you know how to use it effectively to truly reconnect to your body and your sensual self?During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Linda Weiner, certified diplomate in sex therapy and author of a book entitled, “Sensate focus in sex therapy: The illustrated manual,” explains this mindful touching technique that can enhance your sex life. “You can turn off the chatter” in your mind and tune into your body to improve your sex life, she finds. The technique especially is beneficial for sexually distressed individuals. Sensate focus is a series of touching experiences that people can use for themselves to reconnect to their body and calm themselves or use with a partner to reduce pressure between the two and improve their sexual health. Deepening a sexual connection with your partner may mean focusing less on sexuality and more on the sensuality of touching. Turn off the thinking brain and turn on the primal brain, she asserts. In this podcast, Linda explains how to focus on mindful thinking to relieve anxiety, worry and sexual tension. She discusses the three components of sensate focus: temperature, texture and pressure, and how to use each to help with self-love and body acceptance. 

Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr Joe Kort

Linda Weiner on reconnecting to your sensual and sexual self

How do I know if I’m asexual? Do I even understand the word “asexuality?” During the Season 3 opening podcast of Smart Sex, Smart Love, Cody Daigle-Orians, an asexual writer and educator, shares his own personal experience of discovering his identity as asexual in hopes of helping others who are confused about finding the “label” that bests fit them.When you are not sure of what you are feeling, be sure of what you are not, he asserts.Cody came out as gay at the age of 18, but he knew that label really wasn’t the right fit for him. He chose “gay” because at the time that was the recognized language. “I didn’t understand what I was, but I clearly could see what I was not.” He knew he didn’t relate to sex the same way as other gay men; in fact, he thought he was a broken gay man. Cody didn’t experience sexual attraction, but he still wanted sexual pleasure. Three years ago, when he was 42, Cody came out again – this time as asexual. “It was such a wonderful moment for me to find my true, authentic self,” he announces.The language of asexuality, the labels, the definitions and the terms are tools, not tests, he emphasizes. These tools help you explain yourself to yourself and explain yourself to the rest of the world.  You also can learn more about asexuality by listening to Cody’s Tik Tok messages under the name of @acedadadvice.

Cody Daigle-Orians talks about asexuality

Approximately 84 percent of gay men say they feel under intense pressure to have a good body. Only one percent stated they were “very happy” with their appearance, and as they grow older, the body image struggles seem to intensify. Why are gay men hyper-focused on body image?Objectification, mattering, minority stress and gay ageism are contributors to a gay man’s dissatisfaction with his body, studies have shown. In addition, Apps like Grindr only make it worse. Gay men are shamed, humiliated and discriminated against, and this can lead to mental health problems. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Greg Johnson, therapist with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan, talks about the issue of poor body image and low self-esteem that many gay men are living with. He offers advice on how to overcome these issues – which often are rooted in their childhood, and how to start valuing and validating yourself as a gay man. He also will discuss objectification, mattering, minority stress and gay ageism and their contributing role in body image perceptions. 

Greg Johnson on Gay Men's Body Image Issues

Your sex drive has shut down. You’re getting older, you’ve hit menopause, and you don’t feel beautiful anymore. You do not have to be ghosted by your libido, says Sex Therapist Susana Mayer, PhD, during a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. Sexuality is ageless. Your body may be changing, but that does not mean your sex life is ending.You are in charge of your pleasure. If you feel your partner is not understanding the physical changes you are going through and how they are affecting your libido, have you talked about it openly and honestly? Women have a voice and need to use it; they need to talk about how menopause is affecting their sexuality so they can take some steps to regain the sexually active life they once enjoyed.You may feel unattractive and old, but your partner doesn’t see you that way. Allow your partner to reassure you that your sex life is still good. You are not 20 years old anymore, so stop expecting your life – and your sex life – to be like it was when you were 20.There are three factors to consider when talking about your changing sex life:conscious coupling: everyone’s sexual needs should be taken into considerationauthentic sex life: honor how each person feelscreating sexual pleasure: this can be ever-changingWomen need to develop a personal path to pleasure – their unique method and style of creating pleasure with an ever-changing body and following an ageless sex philosophy – the physical expression of intimacy taking into consideration emotional needs, aging bodies and health challenges.Think of your bed as a sandbox you played in as a child. You discovered limitless creative pleasure to do whatever you wanted. You can find that active, satisfying sex life again.

Dr. Susana Mayer on a woman's personal path to pleasure

Can a polyamorous relationship work? Is monogamy the only relationship that can succeed? According to Certified Sex Therapist Martha Kauppi, beautifully functioning open relationships can and do work! Polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with different people. These relationships will work, but couples must first put the right pieces in place to ensure a secure, successful, workable and healthy polyamorous relationship.Here are a few factors to consider before deciding if a polyamorous relationship is right for you, Martha shares.One partner may want an open relationship, but the other partner is dead set against it. One partner tried a polyamorous relationship in the past and it didn’t work, so he/she is hesitant to try again. One partner breaks the relationship agreement.Couples don’t know they need to set up “ground rules” to make the relationship work.One partner is worried the other partner may fall in love with his/her new partner.These are just a few concerns couples need to resolve before considering a polyamorous relationship, Martha explains during a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. First, begin building the polyamorous relationship structure – valuing your personal growth and always expressing your thoughts and feelings with transparency and honesty. Don’t shy away from the tough questions and challenges. Ask the hard questions, have the difficult conversations, talk about the uncomfortable feelings. Hammer it out. Ultimately, you will find the answers you are looking for. Next, develop an agreement that both partners are comfortable with. Really be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want in this relationship. Can you make it work? Do you want to make it work? Are you agreeing to things because you want to be a partner pleaser or because you want to avoid conflict? In either case, the agreement – and the relationship – will not succeed because you are not being completely truthful. The agreement requires a lot of self-awareness. It won’t work magically. Ultimately, together you can create an incredibly beautiful and strong relationship.Remember, to maintain a strong, open relationship, continue communicating, talk about issues as they surface so you can resolve them quickly, listen to what your partner wants and be receptive to making changes in the agreement.The agreement can be fluid, Martha points out. She encourages couples to check-in with each other often to make sure both partners still are comfortable with the agreement. If you want to renegotiate your relationship “contract,” be open to changing it as you learn more about this new relationship and how it is working. For example, maybe you’ve decided you don’t want to know if your partner is seeing someone else, or you want a phone call if your partner decides to stay out all night. Add these to the agreement. The goal is to adjust the agreement, not break it. If you find you cannot keep the agreement, maybe you are not ready for a polyamorous relationship. Talk about that, too. It is important to build a secure, trusting relationship.Creating a polyamorous relationship agreement can be incredibly emotionally weighted, in fact, it can be scary as hell, but can do it if you are willing to work at it – just like any other relationship.

Martha Kauppi on successful polyamory.

In hopes of helping other couples publicly transition easier, Sarah Scales, a licensed master social worker with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan, shares her story as a pansexual woman married to a trans female.“I came into the relationship knowing my partner was gender fluid,” she begins in this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast.At first, the relationship was uncomfortable, not because of her partner’s gender fluidity, but because they didn’t know how to identify themselves publicly. Words like “we” became common descriptors as they tried to avoid he/she pronouns. This growing discovery of gender fluidity impacted both partners.“We had a lot of long, intense conversations on how to publicly transition,” Sarah says. “We both were closeted; it was a transition for me, too.” This was a huge challenge for the couple; when do they come out, how do they come out, and when do they stand up and speak and stand down and support? They had many talks about the transitioning process as well as their relationship. Trans partners also have to be mindful there are challenges for cis partners, too, Sarah points out.What is most important, she emphasizes, is to be true to who you are. “Gender wasn’t part of it for me. It was the attraction. Focus less on gender and more on who that person is whom you love,” she believes.“The person in private I fell in love with initially wouldn’t show that side to the world. I loved that person in private, but not so much the person who masked in public. It was stressful for both of us to live the masked life. I saw who she truly was and who she truly could be, but she was afraid to unmask.“For me, it was really powerful when my partner came out. I loved her even more.”Keep your label, Sarah emphasizes. Respect what a person chooses as their label. People choose a label that fits them.“I chose pansexual; I can be attracted to someone regardless of their gender and assigned sex at birth.”And do not out your partner if your partner isn’t ready. Always defer to what the trans person wants.

Sarah Scales on love, marriage, and identity with a transitioning partner.

*** USE promo code DRKORT1 for 15% off through July 14th at https://futuremethod.com ***Most people don’t know they should bring science into the bedroom before having sex. That’s why nationally renowned Anal Surgeon Evan Goldstein, DO, founded The Future Method, an innovative step-by-step approach to sex care. Backed by extensive scientific research, The Future Method consists of products developed by medical professionals to improve sexual health. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Goldstein talks about why the anus and anal area need to be treated with respect. As an anal surgeon for more than 10 years, he saw patients dealing with major health issues because of incorrect prepping before sex as well as aftercare. Over-douching, poor hygiene, damage to the anus, and incorrect use of sex toys are just a few issues he commonly sees in his medical practice.  For example, approximately 90 percent of people use tap water to prepare for bottoming, he points out in the podcast. Tap water and store-bought enemas cause damage to the cells inside your anus. Dr. Goldstein has created a solution for clean, confident sexual activity. He believes pleasure should be safe, healthy and “mind-blowing for everyone;” that is why he created the Future Method products. When was the last time you thought about using a moisturizing cream for your anus? Do you know why you should and what products are safe? Dr. Goldstein created one to soothe the damaged anal area, something not many of us probably ever worry about. Most of the damage is not from sex, he points out. It’s from our stool or using bad toilet paper or sweating in your bottom area and letting the excess moisture stay in that area far too long. He has a solution to reduce the irritation and inflammation, and hydrate and soothe the anus. During the podcast, he offers scientifically researched advice on caring for your anus and anal area properly, such as:·      Ditch the wet wipes – they cause increased irritation·      Dry yourself off completely after a shower – the moisture in your anal area that sits there all day can lead to bacterial infections, fungal infections, dermatitis, rashes and micro-tears·      Don’t over-douche – more is not better, especially when it comes to your anus

Dr. Evan Goldstein on developing the Future Method product line for safer bottoming

Let’s take a moment to relive those days as children on the playground. Were you bullied, teased, or ridiculed? You probably remember some of those experiences like they happened yesterday. Years ago, you built walls of protection and silos of safety to make sure no one could hurt you. It’s time to tear down those walls and silos and take the risk of going back to the playground again, say John Ball and Lisa Goyette. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. John and Lisa, founders of CH Training & Coaching, talk with Dr. Joe Kort about how businesses can create a more authentic and empathetic workplace “playground” by increasing relational intimacy through social and emotional intelligence.Social and emotional intelligence is the science of managing yourself and connecting with others. To do this, John and Lisa recommend using a new “life lens,” as they call it, to improve relational intimacy and healthy communication. Vulnerability, authenticity, resilience and adaptability are just a few of the tools needed to learn how to adapt your behavior based on an awareness of your emotions and the emotions of others. Even in the midst of our differences, we still can find a way to work together effectively, increase productivity in the workplace and develop a satisfying work life. We can do it in our personal life; we should be able to do the same in our work life.Step back and take a real look at who we are, John and Lisa advise. Look at our behaviors, our family, our “playground” experiences, and our relationships. Understand who we are as an individual, and how we judge ourselves and others. Preconceptions of people are made in the first 10 to 15 seconds.In the workplace, employees need to feel safe expressing their feelings; they want to be heard and they want to validated, not judged. It can be scary to tear down the walls and silos. You don’t want to relive those playground days.

John Ball and Lisa Goyette on how businesses can create a more authentic and empathetic workplace

Unfortunately, we live in a world of either/or, with us or against us, conservative or liberal, for gay rights or against gay rights. In a Smart Sex Smart Love podcast, Lucie Fielding, sex educator, writer and therapist, challenges binary in every way. Can society and social culture ever break out of the world of binary thinking? This mindset is changing too slowly despite the increasing visibility of trans and non-binary folx. We need to step away from white cis folx and monogamy and step into a really queer space, she says in the podcast. It is okay to challenge the norms. Biology does not determine destiny. It’s time to bring different energies, open up a whole new wheelhouse of “typical” sex, learn how to use your body for sexual pleasure in different ways, and create new possibilities that our culture has not previously allowed. Find your own landscape, she urges. 

Lucie Fielding on sexual excitement and exploration

There is an epidemic … people leading secret lives. It causes psychological and relationship mayhem. Your innate sexuality is your birth right, however, few claim it. In fact, many struggle most of their life searching for their authentic self instead of freely enjoying their sexuality, and expressing it honestly, consensually and shame-free. No matter how much you have struggled in the past with secretive, compulsive, unhealthy sexual behaviors, you still can learn to become sexually honest, authentic and fulfilled. Your current and future partners will be grateful you did. Galen Fous, master of transpersonal psychology (MTP), sex-positive therapist, author, educator and sex researcher, was a guest on Smart Sex, Smart Love with host Joe Kort, PhD, sexologist and psychotherapist. Galen talks about the collision of fear, shame and trauma with sexual development and desire. He encourages couples to shift from secrecy to honesty and confident expression of authentic desires. It is time to explore, share and enjoy your wildest sexual desires by releasing the wounds of shame, trauma and fear that have disconnected you from your authentic sexual self.

Galen Fous on the collision of fear, shame and trauma with sexual development and desire

It remains taboo in the black community to seek mental health services. It feels unsafe, it is intimidating, and it is not the place to air your dirty laundry. These beliefs need to change, says Darcia Miller, a licensed master social worker with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan. She knows they are true … not just by her work as a mental health therapist, but as an African American woman who was raised with these beliefs. And she also knows it is time to change these views. We are supposed to trust the mental health system because it helps people, it protects them and provides resources, but will it really be safe, will it really help African Americans? Generation after generation, black families have taught their children to be fearful of the world; don’t draw attention to yourself and your family. They constantly live in a survival mode. Will their child return home safely? Will the police show up unexpectedly at their house? Black families believe the world is an unsafe place, and these beliefs continue one generation after another. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Darcia discusses why it is difficult for African Americans to seek mental health services and provides some advice on how to overcome these issues and seek help when you need it. 

Darcia Miller on why it is difficult for African Americans to seek mental health services

“For each rejection, I’m a better, stronger person.”Tylia Flores, disability activist and advocate, was born with Cerebral Palsy. Although her condition has affected her mobility, it never has altered her determination to make a difference in the world. Through her many challenges and obstacles, she discovered a passion for writing and chose to share her life experiences with anyone who will listen. In a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Tylia talks about dating and Cerebral Palsy and the lessons she has learned as a 25-year-old sexually active wheelchairbound woman with Cerebral Palsy.Self-love comes first, she strongly believes. It helps to deal with rejection in relationships, she has found from personal experience. Not every relationship ends like a Nicholas Sparks novel. Embrace the journey of dating and the experience of getting to know someone. It’s like layers of a cake: the first layer is trust, the second is communication and the third is love. Take your time savoring each layer.Maintain your boundaries, she recommends. As a “one chance kind of woman,” Tylia has no place in her life for cheaters, liars and scammers. She’s been scammed on online dating sites many times and has met men who fantasize about having sex with a woman in a wheelchair. Having Cerebral Palsy makes life a little more interesting, she finds.The world isn’t made for people like us, Tylia believes, especially when we face one obstacle after another in our life.Everyone’s dreams can come true, even those with disabilities, she preaches loudly.Cerebral Palsy does not define you. Life is 99 percent of how you react to challenges, and love comes in all shapes and sizes. Fall in love with yourself and keep moving forward. The rest is icing on the cake.

Tylia Flores on Dating and Cerebral Palsy

Why don’t we talk about sexual pleasure? Why are teenage boys taking Viagra?How can older adults continue to enjoy sex?At the Pornhub Wellness Center, these questions – and dozens more – are discussed honestly and openly and backed by evidence-based facts. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Joe Kort interviewed Laurie Betito, PhD, a clinical psychologist, sex therapist and Director of the Pornhub Wellness Center. The sexual wellness, sexual health and sexual education website was designed for people to learn about sex the right way. You won’t learn to drive by watching “The Fast and Furious;” why would you think you could learn about sex by watching porn, Dr. Betito asks.Sadly, people – often kids – seek out porn sites for education. That is what they will get – porn education, not sex education. Kids are curious about sex because they are not learning it in school or from their parents, so they will find it with just a few clicks on their computer or phone. And adults watch porn and worry, “this isn’t happening with me. What am I doing wrong?”During the Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Betito also talks about empowering people with their own sexual pleasure, having great sex into old age, and penetrative sex. People think if they are not having penetrative sex, they are not having sex. Sex needs a much wider definition. Sex is everything you do together that you wouldn’t do with your sibling. We are opening a door people don’t want to shut when it comes to learning about sex the right way. (Dr. Betito clarifies that Pornhub Wellness Center is a website for adults, not kids.)

Dr. Laurie Betito on Sexual wellness

It’s not conversation at the dinner table, but millions of people from all over the globe quietly are listening and learning about anal sex. It’s one of most talked about topics on social media, and a pleasure no one should be denied just because people think it is taboo, announces Dr. Carlton, a gastroenterologist from San Diego, California, who frequents TikTok to share his messages about anal sex. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, he discussed the anatomy of anal sex, how to prepare for it, how to take preventive measures to ensure a safe experience, and what the secrets are to making it a pleasurable experience – one he describes as “rockets going off.”So many people are embarrassed to talk about anal sex or ask questions about it, but let’s face it, most people want to know how to do it right, how to do it well, and how to do it safely. Who better to ask than a gay GI doctor? Everyone can – and should – enjoy anal sex – even women. And the G spot (there is one in anal sex) can be explosive. Remember to prepare for anal sex with lubrication; relaxation; lots of breathing; and light, slow pushing. Dr. Carlton shares many more secrets to having some of the best sex you’ll ever have through the anus.

Dr. Carlton on Breaking the Taboo: Your complete guide to anal sex

Psychotherapist, life coach and author, Dr Joe Kort is breaking through the taboos of the most intimate of subjects, to bring leading experts together to talk all things sex and relationships. There’s always room for improving sex and together, Joe Kort and his guests delve deeper into the most personal of human behavior, getting right under the covers to discuss the different paths we take towards pleasure. #pleasure #sex https://www.facebook.com/joekort/ https://twitter.com/drjoekort www.JoeKort.com

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Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr Joe Kort

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