Did you know that in 2013 Status Quo made a film? A film in which they are chased around Fiji by gangsters, stopping only to play ukulele versions of their biggest hits? Did you know it was directed by the Stunt Arranger from Mrs Brown's Boys, and the supporting cast is comprised solely of members of his family? Of course you didn't. You're normal decent people. You're watching the latest Suranne Jones 9 o'clock potboiler. A good job, then, that the Stalemates are here to pick up the slack. Because not only have they seen Bula Quo, John Stalemate actually owns it. Yes, the Stalemates are back - in the same room for the first time in two years and their excitement is palpable. Wine has been sloshed about, voices are raised, and opinions are aired like so much damp laundry. And between us we have a quantity of sopping linen. Find out that Joe was a teenage Quo fancier, what the band mean by "a polish", and hear a spirited defence of "Carry on Abroad" from the English Stalemate. Obviously. We're back. We're loud. We're nicher than ever. NB May contain factual innacuracies pertaining to classic tv cop show Ironside.

Stalemates Podcast

Stalemates go BULA QUO!

It's a slow news day - nothing to see here - so why not listen in to part two of Stalemates' dissection of David Bowie's worst album? So many reasons. However, true to form, the Stalemates pull a lot of positives out of "Tonight" and the cultural flotsam it leaves in its wake. Hear Joe say something wise about "Station to Station" and John suggest that the music industry is now over and THAT'S OKAY. Joe eviscerates poor Sir Tom Jones and they fall out over the relative merits of Bowie's tie in film "Jazzing for Blue Jean" but are reunited in their condemnation of John's Bowie impression, which no longer sounds like "Bad Suggs" but just sounds like John on the way back from the dentist. You'll come for the Bowie but you'll stay for the Stalemates (even if one of us sounds like a wasp in a matchbox)...

Stalemates do Tonight (Part 2).

We're back, Back, BACK like a dose of the clap! Yes, the Stalemates return to really give your gag reflex a run for its money. This week Joe and John turn their attention to the David Bowie album "Tonight". Why? You're asking. Surely that's one of the lowest points in the Bowie canon. Well, yes it is. But we thought we'd carefully comb and sieve it for hidden gems and we found...none. None at all. It really is quite bad. So we insult it in an entertaining way. So enthralled are we by its poverty of inspiration that we've run to twice the length of the actual album! But don't worry - we've snipped it in two. Oh yes. If you like this there is EVEN MORE TO COME. NB This is a Covid-y, Zoomcally podcast. So while Joe sounds like he could be in the room with you - don't worry he's not - John sounds like a man treading water in an upturned super tanker, clinging to the body of a dead colleague until help comes. It never has and it never will. We give you part one of "Tonight" by David Bowie. His worst record? Let's find out...

Stalemates do Tonight (Part 1).

In a change to our usual programme John comes over all "hello trees, hello sky" as he picks wild flowers gaily in a summer glade. Meanwhile Joe turns to poetry, the last refuge of the scoundrel, and asks the question "What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?" His plaintive answer is that he doesn't understand the question, wonders just how much is still owed to Joy, and who the hell is Joy anyway? Join Stalemates, pack up your troubles, and just get happy. X

Stalemates do Happiness

The coronavirus pandemic have brought many weird changes to everyone’s lives. One unexpected outcome for Joe Stalemate, is that his mother has become his, erm, walking buddy. She may be known as a fearsome, formidable widow (and that’s just in wrestling circles) but starved of the oxygen of Johnny Stalemate's Class 3 atmosphere these past few months, these regular Rambles with Eileen (a hastily discarded early title for this podcast) have become an indispensable fixture in pal Joey's otherwise bustle-free pandemic schedule. So, this is a one off, limited edition, collectors item Stalemates lockdown Special. "Stale Mater" if you like. That was John’s idea by the way. He’s generous to a fault that one... Enjoy the Stalemates Special. We'll be back real soon with a regular slice of our steaming delicious thought porridge. WARNING: The sound quality is, well, somewhat rustic in parts. This is in keeping with the earthy content.

"Stale Mater" - A Stalemates Special.

Never has the difference been more marked between your two friendly neighbourhood Stalemates. Joe is sweetness and light: out strolling with his mother, clicking his heels and twitching - the latter in the sense that he is now a keen ornithologist: its not a bad reaction to his medication. John on the other hand is a glowering misanthrope, railing against the world in all its iniquities and absurdities and all because he has a sore foot and can't go out and play in the sunshine. Between the two of them they cover all of the subjects - seriously, ALL OF THEM, you'll not need to listen to another podcast ever again. Plus there's cool music, opinions and all the speech impediments you could ever wish for. Oh, and Trump gets an ABSOLUTE kicking. Enjoy. After you've enjoyed this podcast, wash out your ears with our New Normal playlist. It's dead good. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0TcpwPmhQ4hagUGWvvzMcQ?si=aZXBEf8_Sdy79SWFHKSaNQ

Stalemates - The New Normal

A plague is on the earth. We are all of us tidied away and hidden. We are separated like eggs in a box or customer service advisers in their cubicles. We're all stuck at home, blarting about on social media, nominating each other for "challenges" such as naming things you've heard and seen. It is, not to put too fine a point on it, a good time. Which is why we recorded this episode of Stalemates. Heroically. We've both been ill. We probably neither of us had Covid19 but we're both self-isolating. I mean John would be anyway as he hates the world but Joe has been bouncing off the walls. He leaves little marks like a moth. So here we are. The Stalemates. Alone but together. Stitched up like a pair of kippers. Isolated but splenetic. We’ve got a “Splendid Isolation” playlist to go with this podcast. Fill your impoverished ears here: https://open.spotify.com/user/stalematespodcast/playlist/24t5K28Pcl9xEtk0ARmIEX?si=xZcwRCfZSlSgkBB0Pfu0EA

Stalemates - Splendid Isolation

Well, you spoke and we listened! You said...can you make Stalemates even more rambling and incoherent than before? We said: not a problem. You pleaded with us...can you make punishingly long and almost completely devoid of structure? We said...happy to oblige. You were crying out in the night...please, can you avoid the given conversational topic almost completely and just waffle on about anything that comes into your sweet heads? We said...that's uncanny BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE'VE DONE. Welcome to the first Stalemates of 2020 - literally the only time John and Joe see each other now John's given up drinking. In this sparkling, spanking panty fresh episode we discuss the decade that was the 2010s. The decade that neither of us remember. Joe didn't even remember that this was the decade we were discussing and researched the previous one. We talk about the death of pop and the birth of Ed Sheeran, Joe, so like Scorsese in so many ways, mauls the Marvel Universe before admitting he has only ever seen DC comics films (I know!). John points out the top three biggest selling books of the last ten years have an unlikely provenance and the pair of them dismantle Bowie's elegiac Blackstar song, before admitting it was alright anyway cause it was Bowie. All this and the pick of the pops theme getting seriously headachey with us bickering over the top of it. You spoke. We listened. This is all your fault.

The 2010s

Stalemates is a theme-time cultural podcast presented by Joseph Nawaz and John Patrick Higgins. Each week a random word is chosen and our heroes twist and spindle all possible meanings out of that word. All in an attempt to find a way to reference a Roxy Music song that’s tenuously appropriate.

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Stalemates Podcast

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