The final episode of the podcast, starting at a new school, the strangeness of taking classes on campus again, reading "Titus Andronicus" and "Antigone," the challenge of Intermediate Chinese this semester, teaching in Mandarin only, discovering the bookstore where I stumbled on the "I Ching" has closed, separating from my girlfriend, being in couple's counseling for the last couple months, returning to the theme of the creative project I have been sitting on for years, wishing I felt inspired to begin that work finally, looking ahead to spending my time on school work and being single, thanking the dedicated listeners of this podcast, and a final goodbye. Music by Disasterpeace.

This is M.

Episode 100 - Ciao, For Now

Reflecting on the end of the podcast, feeling puzzled over the poor reviews, pain in my mouth, doing a deep-cleaning on my place, the external being a representation of the internal, recounting a first date with someone who had the messiest place I've ever seen, feeling insecure about the cleanliness of my own place, wanting to feel like I'm starting over, wanting to get rid of everything, reflecting on seeing the great new film "The Green Knight," looking forward to "The Tragedy of Macbeth" from Joel Coen, rewatching "Midsommar" from Ari Aster, using my time and the podcast to fight off silence and sadness, and looking forward to the final episode of the podcast next week. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 99 - Penultimate Podcast

Finishing strong in summer school, preparing for the Fall semester, studying chess recently, having more tools at your disposal than ever before to learn anything, how "seeking advice" is often a thinly veiled way of asking someone to save you from doing the hard work that is necessary for success, buying a new bag and a bike, entering a period of liminality in my life, how pursuing a creative career poisons the well spring of your creativity, Bob Dylan being as close to a "prophet" as possible, what I hope you get out of the podcast, using what you have to create, and the best creative process being the one that you do. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 98 - Bring Into Being

Correcting last week's audio, getting some serious work done at the dentist this weekend, the relief of working toward getting those issues fixed, getting ready for the next semester of school, locking myself out my car today, recounting another time I got locked out of my truck on tour, the strangeness of getting older, hearing from someone at work that they've been listening to the podcast, the vulnerability of having people hear this, the inevitable decline of every accomplishment, being relegated to the "bargain bin" of life, and uncertainty about the future as we near the potential end fo the podcast. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 97 - Bargain Bin Radio

The travesty of my first visit to the dentist in sevenish years, needing to end up exactly where you deserve to be in life for your own salvation, the double-edged delusion of "imposter syndrome," possibly taking a break after these 100 episodes, calling myself out for avoiding the subject of the last few episodes, watching Bo Burnham's "Inside" finally, being predictably discouraged by it, the inevitable shortcomings of the creative act, the presence of the spirit in Dylan and David Foster Wallace's work, the spiritual quality of a creative life, and needing to finally live a life that mirrors the creative values I've been espousing. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 96 - Just Desserts

Feeling anxious about this week's episode, hiccups in posting last week's video, continuing last week's conversation, bringing those topics up for the first time in therapy this week, the feeling of safety and self-disclosure, the first time I shared the secret of my substance use after a year in therapy, speaking frankly about shit and suicide, Dr. Pimple Popper, two terrifying realizations in therapy, insight not leading to action, having all the signs I need to do the thing I want to do, the Hamlet-like nature of this creative conflict, steeling myself to finally do the thing, and you being the secret sharer. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 95 - The Secret Sharer

Treating myself to a new toy for my birthday, living with a broken phone for three years, other potentially self-limiting behaviors, not seeing yourself the way others do, my girlfriend's own insecurities, the "ponytail date," the devastating impact of the release of Bo Burnham's "Inside," creation as the culmination of your experience, feeling locked in your life, betraying a gift from the cosmos, and steeling myself to finally return to work. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 94 - The Ponytail Date

Not trusting the judgment of critics, the perils of soliciting feedback, not being able to judge yourself objectively, not knowing what you don't know, misjudging the quality of my first recordings, advice and criticism saying more about the people offering it than anything you should do, the profound kernel of wisdom at the center of Disney's "Moana," words of wisdom from the Toyota dealership, surmising the plot of the musical "Wicked" through the song "Defying Gravity," the sheeple of Shakespeare's "Coriolanus," miscasting yourself in the Gospel, the profundity of the exposition in the movie "Hook," and the realization that most of our lives have been bought and sold with our permission. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 93 - Called to Clown

The unlikely influence of pastor John MacArthur, a longstanding interest in religion, stumbling at the end of this first summer session of Chinese, the impact on my confidence, shooting poorly at the range, bleeding chess rating points, feeling creatively deflated also, my suspicion that Bo Burnham's "Inside" will devastate me, betraying my own creative muse, the numinous nature of creativity and inspiration, the creative conversation happening through time and feeling called to contribute to it, feeling like Moses who was kept out of the promised land, and the formative events of your life sounding like a fairy tale to younger generations. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 92 - Creatively Crucified

Back on top in Chinese class, struggling with a wall to wall to schedule everyday, knowing one area of my life will suffer as a result, recounting the stressors of the week, the horror of the new neighbor's band practice, being noise sensitive, the emotional and psychology imposition of inconsiderate people, everything going wrong that could wrong before my most recent test, having to confront the neighbor's about their noise, a friendly surprise, your silence rotting into resentment, struggling to speak up for myself when needed, not taking responsibility for how other people feel about what you're doing, some unexpected fireworks, and a prelude to a conversation about conservative Christian preachers. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 91 - Bye Bye Bifurcated

Falling short on my most recent Chinese exam, feeling a disturbance in the force leading up to it, intuitive vs. data driven decision making, attending a wedding this week, showing up early and observing "the help," reflecting on the unobserved experience of many musicians, the joy of watching two singles "hook up" at the wedding, the HBO documentary "Allen vs. Farrow," vehemently defending a position without being fully possessed of the facts, the sword of Damocles-type existence of guilty people, and the irony of people holding all of the power yet feeling powerless. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 90 - Sword of Damocles

Approaching the last ten of the first one hundred episodes, feeling the need to finish strong both in the podcast and in life, self-consciousness as a motivator to perform well, being raised to be a picky eater, needing to overhaul my diet as an adult, being over and underweight and different times in my life, believing I have a mild form of body dysmorphia, impulsive vs. data driven decision making, adventures in taking my girlfriend's bed frame to the dump, publicly shaming selfish behavior, a nose bubble leads to a momentary brain fart, responding to being physically intimidated on the street, and seeing the "sin" in sin but missing the "sin" in self-righteousness. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 89 - Human Bubble Blower

Enjoying the modality of summer school, finishing my time at junior college with straight A's, recounting my time languishing at a junior college in Arizona a decade ago, teachers at that time seeing me and my circumstances clearer that I could, how we use systems of divination like Tarot and the I Ching to give us permission to do what we already wanted to, exhausting my girlfriend (and this podcast's listeners) with my school anecdotes, and the possibility of continuing the podcast past one hundred episodes. Music by Disasterpeace. 

Episode 88 - Philosophical Potpourri

Starting summer school and taking finals in the same week, all of the stressors coming together at the same time, apologizing to those who listen regularly for being absent, wanting to be consistent, living in the same place for the last twelve years, my entire creative output being authored within feet of where I'm sitting now, various reactions to my living space over the years, watching the over-produced "Friends" reunion on HBO recently, yawning, and the yin and yang of Judy Judy and Judge Caprio. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 87 - White Chinese Robot

The last push before finals, everything coming together at once, preparing a childhood story for ASL which I recount here, my mother thinking she had lost my bother and I at the mall when we were children, not thinking in terms of music anymore, experiencing life through the lens of songwriting at one time, the looming creative project that I have organize my thoughts around for the last six years, the creative conversation happening through time, the way that meaningful messages are communicating through allegory and imagery, the social martyrdom of people who pursue certain ways of living, living in dereliction of that duty myself, equating a mountaineering accident to the drama of living with courage, wanting to save other from our own formative experiences, Shakespeare's "Coriolanus" as the fickleness of popular opinion, giving yourself permission to do The Thing, and the one about the boy who got everything he ever wanted. Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 86 - It Me

A stream-of-consciousness podcast from singer/songwriter, M. the Heir Apparent.

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This is M.

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