Wherein Tj and Chris confront the oft-confusing translation of table dog purple liquefy, chili squint, and wet bread. This week's beer: Rusty Rail NOktoberfest Rye Ale w/ blood orange Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five

Turtle's Paradise

Turtle's Paradise Ep. T.1

Wherein Tj and Chris (at long last) welcome Cid's comeuppance vis-a-vis a certain assistant, confirm that you can't do the Wutai quest after the Return to Midgar, and trivialize the entire challenge on a couple different occasions. This week's beer: Rusty Gold Brewing Potential Energy Imperial IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.5

Wherein Tj and Chris raise their body temperatures by any means necessary, completely disregard a tower defense game, and disappoint the more religious members of their families. This week's beer: Rock Bottom Pittsburgh Uppity Jagoff IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Incidental: "Judgement-Funkadelic" [Judgment Day] by Charles Ritz, David Peacock, DrumUltimA, Dutcher Snedeker, Fredrik Häthén, Marc Papeghin, Nuri Tett, sschafi1, & Thennecan Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.4

Wherein Tj and Chris are ON A BOAT, in LITTLE DUNE BUGGY, and go down in a blaze of glory but are still able to paddle around in shallow water and rivers. Oh, yeah, and she dies. Deal with it. This week's beer: Southern Tier Nu Skool IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.3

Wherein Tj and Chris channel their inner Kornheiser and Wilbon, shill grenades as the answer to every problem in Midgar, and receive gifts of dice and portability from friend of the show Andrew! This week's beer: Magic Hat TFG IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.2

Wherein Tj and Chris ACTUALLY PUBLISH A BLEEDING PODCAST FOR A CHANGE, plug their Final Fantasy XI streaming project senseless, name-check Legend of Legaia for whatever reason, and Tj dishonors himself by not mentioning EarthBound amongst his formative JRPG experiences. This week's beer: Sierra Nevada Trip in the Woods: Bière de Garde Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.1

Wherein Tj and Chris realize that they've lived someone's D&D campaign, II tried really hard (and the cast of VIII needs to get punched), Mario Hoops 3-on-3 was a thing that existed, Edward's the second-best bard in Final Fantasy (out of 2), you can never have too many princesses, and apparently Nightshade Rage can't break the game if you never encounter it on the veldt. This week's beer: Flying Dog "The Truth" IPA Music credits: "Booster Tarantino" by djpretzel, because it's an awesome track from an SNES RPG that we didn't talk about.

Turtle's Paradise Bonus Episode #1

Wherein Tj and Chris get Ultima, get Quick, get magic costs down to nearly nil, and break the endgame over their knees. Also, they tease a big announcement in the cheesiest and most cringeworthy way possible. You've been warned. This week's beer: New Belgium Trippel Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.5

Wherein Tj and Chris put the band back together (following an epiphany at a church that may or may not involve James Brown), quality-check seafood for half an hour in an attempt to stabilize an ambulatory condom, and elucidate upon just why, in fact, these caves are a pain in the ass. This week's beer: Fat Head's 25th Anniversary IPA Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.4

Wherein Tj and Chris go digging through the trash for magical monsters to collect and trade, comport themselves with the utmost decorum, and fail at feng shui so badly that entire continents are destroyed. This week's beer: Selin's Grove Brewing Company The Same IPA This episode is brought to you by The Jester's Guild, who are performing Ken Ludwig's The Three Musketeers at the New Hazlett Theater in Pittsburgh October 13-15. Tickets are available at https://the-jesters-guild.ticketleap.com/ . Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.3

Wherein Tj and Chris fail Latin so hard they conjure an extradimensional evil, don't fare much better in Italian either, and Turtle's Paradise would like to apologize for the poor quality of the beer segment. This week's beer: Fat Head's G'suffa Oktoberfest Lager Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.2

Wherein Tj and Chris beat the "You Don't Break Up The Party" concept into Square's collective noggins with a rubber panel-beating mallet, prove that Kefka is the jankiest of clowns (HBO series notwithstanding), and reminisce about when summons were actually decent. This week's beer: Brew Gentlemen Akamai Double IPA Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.1

Wherein Tj and Chris finally make this whole "meatdimension" thing make sense, Shigesato Itoi gleans yet another inspiration from Final Fantasy, and I still have to saw through this banana. This week's beer: Rheingeist Quadra Funk Hoppy Wild Ale Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSword Closing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.5

Wherein Tj and Chris are really concerned for the self-destructive behavior Lenna's exhibiting, waffle on whether or not to call them Crystals just yet, and お前はもう死んでいる This week's beer: Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster Imperial IPA Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSword Closing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.4

Wherein Tj and Chris try not to get split in half by Conan the Librarian, perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a chocobo, and go on at length about how awesome Clash on the Big Bridge is. This week's beer: Rusted Rail Blue Collar Raspberry Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSword Closing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg Find these at OCRemix.org!

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.3

Welcome to Turtle's Paradise, where Chris & Tj invite you to join them in attempting to grasp the miasma of numbers, princesses, and strange haircuts that IS Final Fantasy.

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Turtle's Paradise

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