Mary and Kelley will be back next week, and Bill will be back someday, but until then, enjoy this classic Halloween episode Ep! It's our Halloween episode, Bill got a sound board, Mary doesn't like Halloween, yo-yo routine scarecrow, Mary gets a phone call, turds, people not liking you, parties, bobbing for apples, costumes, Blues Brothers, gypsy (roma), wizard, princess, topical costumes, clown, food coloring face, candy, cat costume, pumpkins, we have a breakthrough, contest, Best of So Far, soup, souvenir, statue, Break, Canadian taste or test: hickory sticks, all dressed chips, taco chips, Puyallup fair, Umpire Pants Out!

Umpire Pants

Episode 215-58: I Love Pumpkins to a Degree that is Not Normal

We’re doing a short boy, and guys, we can’t help but bring Gumby right away. Bill found a five leaf clover. Mary hates everything, but a weed White Elephant is a good idea. Mary tried a new method to keep her cats off the counter. Mary pretends to not understand the concept of recycled fleece. We should bring back Redmond’s Heritage festival but make it a more inclusive cultural fesitval. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List!

Episode 214: Someone’s Name is Clumpy

We’re back in person, and Bill is worse than ever. Best American rock band? I think we’re sticking with CCR. The Space Force revealed their uniforms. Mary thought she found a perfect watch, but it turns out it’s more corporate than she thought. More Jeopardy talk, the host saga continues. Mary is searching for new furniture and we’re all trying to de-clutter since we’re still at home all the time. Supply chain issues. What’s the republican end-game with infecting as many as possible with Covid-19? The fury of being on hold for a long time. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Mary wants a chintz hint, but things aren’t looking great. When dusting furniture, don’t overlook light bulbs. Clean the drain in your freezer. Use a curtain rod to hold your shoes. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 213: That Defrosts My Balls

Bill is out with TMJ issues, but his testicles are also HUGE. Our dad Russel is here to tell a story of how he “almost” got in a fight. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Modern Family is no longer on nightly. Mary found a wallet. Remember how bad your feet hurt as a kid? Mary has a bagel story (the story is mostly that she mean to the bagel guy). Get your FLU SHOTS folks! Kelley is really into Giant Vegetable Twitter. Kelley and Mary argue about giant pumpkins. Kelley’s Hint List! We read a repeat: Use urea to keep your plants healthy. Soak beans and dried fruit for shorter cooking times. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 212: I Love a Big Zucchini

We come in hot and sloppy with this remote recording! Mary’s edibles got ruined by humidity. Oh Word! We talk about misunderstandings resulting from figuring things out when you’re thrown into another culture. Bill went to Megadeath. Mary didn’t listen to our podcast even though she was on an airplane for 10 hours this week, so we’ll talk about the best American band next week. Mary is mad someone drank her beer. Tune in to find out Gumby’s Dad’s name. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Costco Milk Chocolate Almonds. Mary makes a pro-dark chocolate argument. Mary’s wild cab ride in Costa Rica. Kelley and Herman had an exciting time down by the train tracks. Super Bol Predictions: Bill picks the Bills, Mary picks the Seahawks, and Kelley picks the Steelers. Kelley’s Hint List: Fix curtains with nail polish. We have a Seattle Joke Book to read from! Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 211: Dumby?

Mary is still in Costa Rica, but she’ll be back soon. Right off the bat, Kelley can’t pretend they aren’t recording two in a row. Do we even want to go to NFL games this year? Bill argues for CCR as the best American rock band, Kelley never put it together that Center Field was John Fogerty. Bill is going to Megadeath. Tell people when you like their stuff, and be quiet when you don’t. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Being nice to entertainers you like (and the show Lady Dynamite and Paul F. Tomkins). The audacity of letting that Jeopardy host keep his job. Are buffets back, baby?! Either way, let’s go to Vegas now that weed is legal. Mary’s back and somehow very drunk again. We do some Recipes from First Graders! The Great British Bake Off and it’s confusing collections. GET VACCINATED FOLKS! Kelley’s Hint List! Clean the brush on your carpet sweeper. We read a repeat hint, but advise against putting nail polish on your salt shaker. Keep your piano in the light but out of the sun to keep the ivory white. You can finish cooking in the oven after the heat is off. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 210: Big Buffet is my Wrestling Name

Kelley and Bill are together and Mary calls in for the second half. Bill wants more carved watermelons. The cat is fine days later, folks, but we do find out live on the air that Lima got a double dose of pills the day we recorded – and I was too lazy to edit it out! Bill goes to the doctor and gets typical doctor advice. Walking the dog. This is a Gumbo Podcast now. Kelley gets confused coming back from the break. Mary calls in from Costa Rica and it doesn’t sound great, but we do our best. Recipes from First Graders! What was the mystery noise behind Bill’s Dresser? Kelley’s Hint List! Clean your heat registers (and your AC filters). We read a really confusing downspout hint. Alter your clothes to get new outfits. Mary hussy-shames, and we end the show! Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 209: I’m making this for my Grandma, to Scare Her

Bill is here by phone this week. Podcast recommendation: Crime Travels. We don’t know how to launder money, but we’ll figure it out. We need to come up with a family scam. The USA is like a carnival midway. Bill has another timely review - Pinocchio, the movie and the book. Mary is the Queen of Rant and Rave. Mary had a call with a very serious King County employee. We falsely accuse Mary of saying fustrating. Jaw and Toe update from Bill. Mary has a story about a cat. Kelley’s Hint List! Measure rooms before buying a house to see if your furniture fits. Use an untreated mop on rubber tile floors. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 208: The Gumby’s Not a Thing

It’s another 2/3 Episode, y’all, Bill is out, but old steady Kelley is here! We’ve had a hot smoky week, and being stuck inside for just a few days has gotten to us! Kelley gives two sides to getting unsolicited comments from strangers. We get distracted by bees on the 11th floor balcony. Is a clusterfuck like an orgy, and did our grandma participate? Mary takes the critic’s side, on this week’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes segment! Did Mary go to the Beef, It’s What’s for dinner opera? There are three kinds of pants according to Herman. Kelley talks about a sandwich for quite a long time. Mary rambles about a breakfast burrito, then we call it a day. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 207: My Favorite Song is Jaws

We’re live on scene camping this week and the crows are yelling, folks! Mary isn’t here, but we have a segment from her. Bill’s piss-toe is back, baybee! Camping without a fire and cooking while camping. We play Seattle Times Rant and Rave – which one did Mary write? What is your camping treat? Email us! Growing up with a toy store in the family. Bold chipmunks and weird stuff in your shoes. It was a short boi, see you next week! Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 206: The Sarcastic Raves

This is the second of a double header, and it shows! Bill has MORE than three reasons he likes Kelley. Mary made muffins with real sugar and it’s the talk of the town. Should Bill get a fancy Seth Rogan gravity bong? Yes, listeners, he should. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Roshomon. Mary declares if certain movies are considered Movies or Films…and her definition of a film is interesting! Bill thinks people need to stop going to the first Starbucks and start going to the first Costco. Mary’s Wheel of Fortune skills are not good, but they’re funny! Should we dress up and scam tourists? Marketing emails. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Some good license plate and bumper sticker jokes. Kelley’s Hint List! Cut trees away from your chimney. Mild scouring powder can be used on stainless steel. Our family hall of horrors, displayed in a clock? Get vaccinated everyone! Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 205: Parts that Fell Off of Dad

We’re back together, and we have a new table! Mary took a re-con mission to Skippers, and didn’t really elaborate on that story. Mary has been volunteering. Bill is officially endorsing Popeye’s Chicken. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Dolly Parton. Please listen to Cash on the Barrelhead on the break today. What does your husband prefer you wear? Chef Boyardee Lasagna? Let’s make Bill try it. Mary has to RIDE in a car for four hours and is complaining. Mary’s Shitlist of the Week: Poor toe art. Email signatures. Drinking healthy smoothies. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Make pillows out of old shirts. Displaying cut flowers. Dye your old towels to match your curtains! Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 204: It’s Medium Boy Summer

I didn’t pick a title this week, gosh darn-it, I forgot! But I’m not re-listening to find one, so you’ll have to survive with my half-hearted Oops All Berries reference, but I assure you, you’ll be fine. XOXO -Kelley It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, but Bill will call in for a bit in the second half. We are announcing Medium Boy Summer, our episodes are going to be 45 minutes until the weather gets bad again. Kelley was a full grown adult before she knew the sport is called badminton not badmitton. Mary and Russ partied in Moses Lake. Mary found a Women’s Day from the 60s and reads us an article about a fashion robot. Cigarette ads and flavor talk. We went camping last week and Mary stayed in a shitty motel. Joan Jett and Pat Benatar aren’t the same person. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! We call Bill, and learn about his loud neighbors. Bill wonders why Mr. McCoy didn’t teach us about time and temperature, and roasted us instead, and that leads us to some hyperlocal school talk. Kelley’s Hint List! Move your cut flowers to a cool place every night. Defrost your fridge every 10 days. Removing alcohol stains. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 203: Oops No Titles!

We’ve taken our new equipment on the road! This episode was recording outside during a family camping trip, and we took advantage of our situation and smoked a joint, so don’t get your hopes up on content. Kelley tells the tale getting trapped in a parking garage with Herman. Mary proposes a top-ten drinking episode compilation. Bill watched the Towering Inferno, so he has a timely review! Second run movies. We take a break and don’t really re-group. Kelley tries to re-light a joint about 100 times, with a terrible lighter. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Reviews of Tablecloths? Nextdoor Update – a fascinating suspicious person description. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 202: His Hair Was Hat

Mary went to Portland, and Kelley and Bill decided to record remotely. The only problem was, Kelley couldn't find a decent headset, and the recording sounded too terrible to release. So please enjoy this trip down memory lane, with Episode 148 from one year ago this week.

Episode 201: RERUN ALERT! Ep 148 Medicine Woman You Fart

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

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Umpire Pants

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