One way we can foster deep and fulfilling relationships is by becoming more self-aware. It helps keep our relationships from slowly drifting to the shallow end of the pool, where they’re just not as much fun as they are in the deep end. The problem is many of us are not nearly as self-aware as we think we are. How to become so is a challenge, which is the topic of today’s episode. So keep listening. Some help from the 17th century A number of years ago I came across an intriguing prayer. I wish I could remember where I found it, but I don’t. I’ve used it in several workshops I’ve given, and in fact, wrote a blog piece about it last summer. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. It’s simply titled “17th Century Nun’s Prayer” I wish I knew something about the poet, especially her name, but I don’t know that either. As I read her prayer to you, see if you can figure out why I find it intriguing. So here goes, 17th Century Nun’s Prayer: An intriguing prayer Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains, but help me to endure them with patience. I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint – some of them are so hard to live with – but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. AMEN Self-Awareness is about O.R.A. Observe - Remember - Act I’m intrigued by this prayer for a number of reasons. First off, there’s a bit of humor and edginess to it. I like to think God has a sense of humor, and that he appreciates a little edginess from time to time. The prayer also intrigues me because it’s an example of the ORA Principle of Deepening our Relationships we’ve been talking about in recent episodes. Observe - Remember - Act. I’ll have links to a few of these as well in the show notes. Observe Our 17th-century nun doesn’t have a name, but for our purposes, let’s see, I’ll call her Sister Olivia. A perfectly good nun’s name from the 1600s. Sister Olivia is self-aware and observes some things within herself she doesn’t like, and she asks God to remove these things from her life. Her prayer is one of reduction, “take these things from me” is her plea to God. For example, Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy…. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; … seal my lips on my aches and pains… Her prayer is a great example of self-awareness, which is such an important part of relational intelligence. Remember Sister Olivia remembers her flaws, and for the most part, does not get defensive about them. She owns them and recalls how these idiosyncrasies have gotten in the way of her relationships. She also remembers that to rid herself of these flaws will take supernatural power from God. She can’t do it on her own. It's a big part of self-awareness. Act Given what she observes in herself, and what she remembers about her weaknesses, Sister Olivia takes action. She prays to God to help her be the person He created her to be. She knows she can’t do this on her own, so she takes action by calling upon God to help her. So what’s the point of all this for YOU? It would be easy to dismiss this “prayer” as something cute and funny. That would be a mistake in my view. The “prayer” a good example of the power of self-awareness in helping us relate better with each other. And with our self. It’s Romans 12: 3 all over again, “… Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” Wouldn’t you like to be friends with someone like this nun who is so self-aware? Wouldn’t you like her to be your neighbor? I know I would. Imagine what our relationships would be like if all of us prayed as she did? Your flaws and my flaws may well be different than hers. But what if we each of us asked the Holy Spirit to reveal our weaknesses to us, and to show how they are keeping our relationships from being all they could be? And then ask God for the wisdom and power to more like the men and women he created us to be. The prayer one more time Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains, but help me to endure them with patience. I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint – some of them are so hard to live with – but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. AMEN Best Line: Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode The more self-aware we are, the greater the possibility for significant meaningful relationships. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful feel free to forward this episode to others you think might be interested in today’s content. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that by becoming more and more self-aware you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to being with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 088: Get them to Say “Thank You for Asking” 089: How to Be a Better Observer of People Related blog post August 19, 2020, “How to Age Well” You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

You Were Made for This

115: Become More Self-Aware in 2021

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 114, “Learn how to Age Well in 2021.” Before we get started Several weeks ago a family friend stopped over to our house, and on her way out the door, she said, “Oh, by the way, I listened to your podcast this morning [episode 109, Rekindle Relationships by Remembering]. It made me feel guilty about a friend of mine who lost her husband a year ago. So I called her to set up a time to get together. Thank you.” This was certainly encouraging to know. I hope others of you are remembering a key event or two in the life of your friends and then taking action on what you remember to rekindle or deepen your relationship with that person. On to today's program Last week’s episode, number 113, Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality was a review of Benjamin Hardy’s book, Personality Isn’t Permanent. In his book there is a 6-word paragraph that I’ve been thinking about all week that I’m making the subject of today’s episode. Those six words? “People become old far too fast” Keep listening to hear what we can do to keep from becoming old far too fast. People become old far too fast To put this six-word paragraph into its context, I’ll read a brief section from Hardy’s book: “As a person ages, they tend to stop engaging in new situations, experiences, and environments. In other words, people’s personalities become increasingly consistent because they stop putting themselves in new contexts. p. 200. “By the time a person reaches their thirties, they stop having as many ‘first experiences,’ as an example, first time driving, first job, first big failure, etc. “As people age, they become increasingly less open to having new experiences. They stop surrounding themselves with new types of people. They stop engaging in new roles and in new environments. New challenges aren't taken on anymore. They stop experiencing new emotions. "People become old far too fast.” Don’t avoid the “new” The operative word in his comments is “new.” The author writes how people who become old far too fast avoid “new.” By my count he uses the word “new” eight times in the section I just read. I don’t know about you, but I wonder if this is true for me, too. Do I avoid “new”? Because truth be told, I’m a fan of “old.” Old ways of doing things. Familiar foods, familiar clothes, familiar people. Old ways of dealing with life that I think have served me well. But maybe I’m missing something. How about you? Maybe we all need a little more “new” in our lives to age well. Hmm. If you’re with me on this, I’d like to suggest we focus on just one new thing to keep us from becoming old far too fast. It’s this: learn one new skill. And that skill would be INVESTING. Yes, investing. Not investing money, but investing in ourselves, and investing in others Investing in ourselves In my twenties, during my high school teaching days, I would spend an hour a week on my future. Started with anticipating my future as a teacher.  MS in counseling that led to something totally away from my intended goal Benjamin Hardy, the author of Personality isn’t Permanent would call it investing in my “future self.” The person I want to be We can invest in ourselves by reading Be open to new relationships to age well in 2021 Learning new relationship skills, such as listening. How to ask questions. How to fight the urge to fill the airwaves with the sound of our voice Make room for God in ways you haven't before. Make room for him We can invest in ourselves by studying the Bible to learn how to be more kind, compassionate, and patient with one another Another way we can invest in ourselves is to acknowledge our fears and practice trusting people more. And God more, too. Listen to episodes 11-14 about the four levels of relationship skill. I’ll have a link to them in the show notes. Investing in others When you invest money, you expect a return on your investment. You expect to get something back. It’s not always that way with relationships Invest in people without any exception of a return on your investment Quote from basketball coaching legend, John Wooden, who said, “You haven't had a perfect day until you've done something for someone who can never repay you.” Being with kids keeps you from aging too fast Teachers and others who work with kids have a great opportunity to invest in others Mr. Littaritz’s funeral, June 19, 2021. Most of his 87 years on earth were spent investing in others, namely teenagers So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Invest in others. Example: Mr. Littaritz. He prepared his students for the draft, running his P.E. class like boot camp. The marching, the barking at students. And at times with a smirk afterward Invest in yourself to age well. Devout an hour a week for your future like I did in my 20s Colossians 3:10 “Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.” Learning to know your creator and becoming like him is a great way to invest in yourself. Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode We can age well by investing in our self and in others. It keeps our focus more on the new and less on the old. And it prevents us from aging faster than we should. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. Feel free to forward this episode to others you think might be interested in today’s content. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related resources you may want to check out Dr. Benjamin Hardy’s book, Personality Isn’t permanent Prior episodes: 113 Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality. 105 How to Listen Better 044: Thankful for the People Who Invested in Us 011 Relationship Skills - Level 1 012 Relationship Skills - Level 2 013 Relationship Skills - Level 3 014 Relationship Skills - Level 4 You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

114: Learn How to Age Well in 2021

Our choices define us, not our personality. We are what we choose to make happen, and how we choose to respond to whatever may happen to us. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 113. If you’ve listened to this program for any length of time you know I say at the end of each episode that I would appreciate hearing back from listeners with any reaction they have to that week’s episode. Up until just recently, the response has been very positive. This streak, however, came to an end with episode 107 from a few weeks ago, Seeing is Believing. Or is it? This was the program about the quote from Jesus that a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown. I talked about the reaction of the people from Nazareth to Jesus, based on the assumptions they made about him because of his family. Then in passing, I mentioned to avoid making assumptions about people, we need to “stay away from personality tests like the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. They create self-fulling prophecies and they microwave our understanding of people.” When my wife Janet heard this she told me, “You’re going to get in trouble for that comment.” And boy was she right. Keep listening to hear about the strong reaction I got from a listener, how I processed it, and how it leads into the topic of today’s program. A negative response from a listener The negative response I got was actually from a good friend of mine, by the name of Randy. We’ve been friends for a long time. We used to go to the same church until he moved to Pittsburgh for a job change. Randy sent me a strongly worded email saying he found great value in the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram personality tests because they helped him understand himself and others better. His email deserved a conversation, not another email. So we arranged a time to talk, and he gave me a chance to explain myself. I shared a couple of stories about how I was marginalized in two separate situations by people in leadership based solely on how I scored on their favorite personality test. Thoughts I had about an issue were discounted because, as in one instance, I was told, “Oh, you’re an INFJ and that’s how you think.” The merits of my input were never considered. My test score shut down any further dialog. Randy and I talked more about where each of us was coming from, and he shared a story of when a group leader marginalized him, too. So we had that connection. I don’t think either of our minds were changed, but we now understood each other much better. It wasn’t long before we transitioned into getting caught up on each other’s lives about other things. After hanging up on the call, I so appreciated having a friendship with someone where we could challenge each other’s points of view and still remain friends. I hope you have relationships like this. All this to say, my conversation with Randy prompted me to share with you in a review of an interesting book I think any regular listener to this podcast would enjoy. Even Randy. Book review The name of the book is Personality Isn’t Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. It’s by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, an organizational psychologist. He is also a blogger and a regular contributor to Inc. Magazine and Psychology Today. The book came out last year in June of 2020.  It's about how our choices define us, not our personality. Who the book is for People fond of personality tests like the Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, DISC, etc. The book may very well change your mind about these instruments. As the author puts it, “If you’re someone who’s tried making big changes in your life but feels stuck or discouraged, then this book is for you.” People with a painful past. Those coming out of a dysfunctional family. Trauma survivors. The author himself comes from a broken home and his life was a big hot mess until going on a church mission turned his life around (I think he must be a Mormon) People with self-limiting beliefs, who feel trapped or stuck Optimists Caregivers and people helpers, especially those who interact with others who have a victim mindset People interested in the psychology of human behavior Those who resonate with the concept that our choices define us, not our personality Structure of the Book 7 chapters, 230 pages, plus acknowledgments, 10 pages of footnotes, and a 6-page index An introduction, entitled “A Personality Test Almost Ruined Life.” The author cites quite a few research studies to support his points, and he includes interesting stories to illustrate them. An easy read, yet one I found myself underlining the key points he is making in the book. Interesting quotes and one-liners sprinkled throughout the book like, “People become old far too fast,” p.202 “A mistake repeated more than once is a decision,” p. 97 “Always make your future bigger than your past,” p.141 “Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be,” p. 174 The cover of the book is ingenious. It encapsulates the premise of the book. There’s a large yellow pencil on the left-hand side and eraser filings on the top as a background for part of the title. It’s a masterful illustration of the title, Personality Isn’t Permanent. Premise of the book It is so much more than a book about personality. It's more about how our choices define us. I’ll quote from page four of the introduction: “The argument of this book is that your ‘personality' doesn’t matter. Even more, your personality is not the most fundamental aspect of who you are. Instead, your personality is surface-level, transitory, and a by-product of something much deeper. “The most fundamental aspect of your humanity is your ability to make choices and stand by those choices, what Viktor Frankel called the last of human freedoms, ‘To choose one’s own way.’ Choosing your own way has at least two key meanings: making decisions about what you want to happen and choosing how you respond to what does happen. Choosing one’s own way is what makes one human - and the more you own the power of your own decision-making, the more your life and outcomes will be in your control.” Take-aways from the book It’s a rich combination of research, theory, and practical application of principles, especially how our choices define us. The book is full of hope that we can all be better versions of ourselves, if we want to be. He talks a lot about focusing on our future self, about making decisions that will be consistent with the person we want to be, not necessarily the person we are now. The author extols the practices of fasting and tithing. He tells the story of George in the “Enhance Your Subconscious” chapter who tithed on 10% of what he intended to earn in the future, not what he already earned. [read from p. 193] So many rich concepts in the book. Here are just a few, which I will quote verbatim Quotes from the author You become who you choose to be. p.5 There is no such thing as a personality type. Personality types are social or mental constructions, not actual realities. There is no science behind the idea of personality types, and most of the popular personality quizzes were created by people who had no business trying to define people. p. 26 We overemphasize the importance of the past, which leads us to become increasingly narrow in how we view ourselves and the world. p. 37 How we describe, interpret, and identify with our past has far more to do with where we are here and now, than it does with our actual past, p. 48 “Authenticity” these days is usually another way of saying “I have a fixed mindset.’ I am a certain way and shouldn’t be expected to do anything but what comes immediately naturally and easy for me. I shouldn’t have to do anything but what feels good right now.” p. 62 Every behavior has a reason. Realizing why you’re engaging in a specific behavior is fundamental to becoming a conscious human being. p. 74. On pages 128-135 he talks about being an “empathetic witness.” How we need these kinds of people in our lives, and how we can be an empathetic witness to others. It’s all about caring for others. Advice for getting the most out of life A quote from T.S. Eliot about reframing our past, “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we begin from.” p. 166 The author talks about the importance of expressing one’s emotions to trusted “empathetic witnesses” in the chapter on “Enhance Your Subconscious.” “Rather than being defined by your former behaviors, you can and should be defined by your future behaviors.” p, 195. In chapter 6, “Redesign Your Environment” he cites a 1979 research study. [Read from pages 197-198]. “Putting yourself in new environments, around new people, and taking on new roles is one of the quickest ways to change your personality, for better or worse. Fully take on roles you assume and you’ll change from the outside in.” p. 199 Pages 227- 229 is the story of Melissa who experienced several devastating tragedies in life. She wrote about them in journals. The author describes how she processed these tragedies: “While reading through her journals, and while journaling and praying at length, she had a paradigm shift. She began to see her past differently. For most of her life she had felt like a victim. She had felt she was cursed by God. But while reading those old journals and reflecting on her experiences she saw her experiences differently. Rather than curses, she saw compliments. Her's is a great example of how our choices define us, and that we don't have to live life as a victim. “God really trusts you,” she thought to herself. “Everything I’ve gone through is a gigantic compliment from God not only for what I can handle but for what he wants me to do.” Why It’s Worth Reading It’s consistent with biblical principles of living It’s a great application of Romans 12: 2, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God’s will is for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” It’s a great application of Philippians 1: 6, “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I found it inspiring to think more about the diminishing amount of future I have each day and how to make it the best it can be in ways that bring out the best in me and blesses others. Amazon Reviews of the Book 1551 reviews at the time of this writing of the show notes, 85% of which are 5-star reviews The few negative reviews said there’s nothing new here. I respectfully disagree. Not many other authors are criticizing personality tests, or touting the benefits of taking a mission, tithing, or fasting. He talks about some common themes of daily life, but often from a unique perspective Then there’s always comments like, “He didn’t write about this; he didn’t write about that.” In other words, because he didn’t write about what I wanted to read, it’s not that great a book. “The book was life-changing” was a common theme in the many positive reviews So what does all this mean for YOU? Read the book. Get it from your library or buy a copy. If it resonates with you, put into practice what the author suggests. It will take wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit to individualize personal applications of the book. Ask a few people if they’d like to go through the book as a group. Form a little book club. Practice the principles mentioned in the book as a group. It would be a great summer read. Have your teenagers read the book! If you lead a group of people in your job, church, or organization, read the book as a group and discuss it. It would be a great way for the people you lead to learn how to care for each other by learning how to listen better. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our personality doesn’t define us. Our choices define us. What we choose to make happen, and our choices in responding to whatever may happens to us. This is what defines us. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode, just like Randy shared his thoughts about a prior episode Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Now go out and get the book. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Resources mentioned in today’s show Episode 107, Seeing is Believing. Or is it? Personality Isn’t Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. by Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.

113: Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 112, Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021. When I give workshops on how to listen well I like to give examples of both good and bad listening. I usually use samples of both from Facebook posts or catchy cartoons. But these are just visual. What I really would like to use for examples would be video clips from both ends of the listening spectrum. Sometimes movie excerpts will work for this, but the best examples are from real-life encounters between people. If Janet and I are in a restaurant or in a crowd of people I will sometimes say, “I wish I could make a video of those people over there and how they’re engaging with each other.” We run into all kinds of bad examples of people talking over each other, drawing attention to themselves, quickly changing the subject, and missed opportunities for connection. These are all too common. But I recently witnessed a brief, but beautiful interaction between two strangers at a high school graduation party I wish I could have recorded. It would make my highlight reel of how to listen well. Stay with me now as I describe what happened because it will give you an idea or two for how you can listen well to the people in your life. Listener responses to a prior episode Before I describe the story of this interaction, I want to share a response from a listener to episode 106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021. John, Good morning. Thanks for today’s podcast. Where were you 25 years ago? This would have [served me well then] and will serve me, well going forward. This is the episode where I offered a free downloadable pdf entitled 5 Keys to Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever in 2021.  Click here if you haven’t gotten your copy. Now for today’s story of great listening The scene In South Carolina to attend our grandson Nathan’s high school graduation Later in the day, his best friend’s parents invited all of us to their house for a small graduation party. Just two extended families. Didn’t know the host at all. I’ll call him Dave. Nice guy. Most of us were in the backyard, and Dave took a break from cooking on the grill and sat down on a patio chair to rest for a bit and talk with his guests. Transparent expression of grief Out of the blue, he wistfully remarked, “I remember 9 years ago I was on the campus of my alma mater thinking, someday my son Jason [not his real name] will leave home and will be walking on a campus like this. Now in just a few months, that’s going to happen. I’m not ready for this.” How do you listen well to a comment like this? Response to vulnerability At first, there was no response to this heartfelt expression of loss. “I’m not ready for my son to leave home for college 700 miles away.” Just silence from the guests Myself included.  Then I started remembering how I had similar feelings as Dave when our kids went off to college many years ago. And now just last fall with our twin grandsons I was flooded with remembering the initial sadness, and how I wasn’t ready for it either. I also remember the joy that eventually followed. It reminded me a little bit like death, this very stark jump from one stage of parenting I was comfortable with, to an entirely new stage I knew nothing about. I really felt for the guy. The ORA principle: Observe. Remember. Act Breaking the silence was my wife Janet’s response to Dave, a complete stranger. “Yeah, and then they come home for a weekend visit from college, and sometime on Sunday they announce, ‘Well, I guess it’s time for me to head back home.’ “Home???? Your college dorm room is now home???? What about THIS place, isn’t this your home?” Observe Janet paid attention to the words Dave spoke, but also to the feelings he expressed in saying those words. She saw them in his body language. He was grieving. He was feeling the loss of his son. Life will not be the same in a few months. Remember In responding to Dave, Janet later told me she was intentional about applying what she learned in I Hear You the book I reviewed in episode 105, How to Listen Better Janet remembered what it was like for her when our kids went off to college. She remembered her feelings, which allowed her to more closely identify with his. Act Janet acted by putting into practice the central thesis of the I Hear You book by affirming Dave’s feeling of loss and sadness over bringing to a close the only chapter of parenting he knew. Her comment about when a child starts calling his dorm room home, and how surprising that is to a parent, showed she understood Dave’s feelings. She normalized his emotions, which is a powerful way to affirm what someone is feeling. And she did it without saying, “that’s normal." Instead, Janet showed Dave it was normal by her comments which so aligned with his. She refrained from interjecting her story into his. She refrained from re-living that painful part of parenting. Janet kept the focus on him, by keeping it off of herself. She did the hard work of refraining from giving advice, and of just being quiet in this tender moment. Janet acted by holding back advice like, you’ll get over it soon. It’s every parents’ job to guide their child to independence. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~ W.C. Fields So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Lots of parents are like Dave this time of year, thinking about their kid going off to college. Be kind to them. Watch out for them. Listen to episode 69, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time.  It offers a suggestion like this: Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?” You can also send a card or note in the mail that says something like this: “I’ve been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and entering this new unknown one.” Something like that. We have opportunities to bless people with our words. God can use us in this capacity. Take advantage of these opportunities. Here’s the main point of today’s episode The first thing to do to listen well to someone is to affirm their feelings without presenting a silver lining to their dark cloud. The second thing is avoid interjecting your own story into theirs. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. I’m especially interested in any experiences you’ve had as described in today’s show, and how you handled that experience. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021 105, How to Listen Better 069, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time.  You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

112: Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021

Often when we’re tired and burdened, Jesus shows up in unusual ways, inviting us to find rest in him in the midst of difficult circumstances. Keep reading to learn How to Find Rest in Difficult Circumstances. Have you ever found yourself so weary and tired because of a relationship issue, where there didn’t seem to be any attractive options to deal with that issue? I bet you have. Today’s episode is about a time I was in this situation, where I just wanted to find rest from a nagging concern and not deal with it. I eventually learned, in a most unusual way, a surprising relationship solution to my relationship problem. I know what I learned could help you, too. It starts here. A summer job In last week’s episode, no. 110, Relationships We Didn’t Choose, I mentioned the summer job my guidance counselor found for me after I graduated from high school. It was a factory job at a small manufacturing company that made folding tables for school cafeterias. Recently I checked online and discovered they’re still in business. I thought of stopping in to say, “Hi,” but then realized anyone I had worked with would have been dead for decades by now. I was so fortunate that Mrs. Roller told me about this job. It paid well, over $2.00 an hour, double what I earned in my after-school restaurant job. I got to learn a variety of things, like running a punch press, spot welding, and working a drill press. None of the jobs were terribly hard, but being in a factory, it was hot, and it made me sweat a lot. I also worked there during Christmas break from college, because they need help counting all their inventory of parts by the end of the year. The good people I worked with The men I worked with were all very nice. There was Harlow, the manager, a kind man with a mid-century crew cut, who ran the place. Gil, the foreman who always wore bib overalls, and who spent most of his day fixing machines that broke. Adam, the man who taught me how to use the punch press, and who told me, “If when you’re done with college that teaching thing doesn’t work out, you’ll have this to fall back on… as long as you don’t get your hands stuck in the punch press.” Then there was Carl, who was from Lithuania and walked with a slight limp and spoke with a thick European accent. Another guy with an even thicker accent, who could barely speak English, was Fritz. He was from Germany. Rumor had it he was a German soldier during WWII whose job it was to drive a Nazi officer around in a two-person motorcycle. This could explain why he and Carl from Lithuania never spoke to each other. Finally, there was Eddie, an older single guy with a limp four times worse than Carl’s. He appeared to have been a stroke victim because he had to use one of his arms to move the other. I admired all the things he could do in spite of his handicap. These were the people I worked with. They accepted me as one of their own, even though we were so different. They had more history than future; I had more future than history. A scene I remember to this day One scene in particular from this factory job the summer of my 19th year comes to my mind every now and then. It happened on a late Saturday afternoon at the end of a 53-hour-work-week. We had all been putting in a lot of hours, and I was grateful for the 13 hours of overtime pay. It was going to be a big help in paying for my college tuition for the upcoming fall semester of my sophomore year. I got to work in those days using the city bus. To return to my home in the suburbs I had to take 2 different bus routes. This particular Saturday afternoon I got onto the second bus exhausted, hot, and sweaty from my factory job. I dragged my body to the rear of the nearly empty bus, and sat down on one of two bench seats, perpendicular to the rest of the forward-facing seats. I then stared out the window directly across from me and noticed the ads placed along the top of all the windows. They were about 3 feet wide by 18 inches tall. One of the ads in particular caught my eye. It was stuck between two other ads, for things like Chesterfield cigarettes and Cutty Sark whiskey. An ad from the Lutherans The eye-catching ad for me was from the Lutheran Church, displaying a picture of Jesus and the words from Matthew 11:28-30 in the Bible. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Hmm. That’s me, I thought. I’m weary and I’m carrying a heavy burden. I was so tired from all the hours of heat and sweat from my summer job. And now I was heading home, a place where I did not want to be because of the strife and tension there. But as much as I liked my co-workers, I didn’t want to be at work either. So I kept staring at that ad, reading the words from Jesus several times. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Jesus said, “Come to me” Maybe these Lutherans were on to something. Maybe I should follow their advice from their ad, and the Bible, to come to Jesus. I didn’t exactly know how to do that. Just a few months earlier I had become a Christ-follower at a Campus Crusade for Christ meeting. So I had already come to Him. But many things about Jesus were all so new to me. There was so much I didn’t understand. Nevertheless, I found a strange sense of peace from that Bible verse the Lutherans advertised. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” What I learned that afternoon at the back of the bus was the rest I so deeply wanted is found in a person, not a place. I wasn’t exactly sure how it worked, but I found comfort in the word choice from the Bible verse the Lutherans shared in their bus ad. Calming words Weary. Rest was mentioned twice. Learn from me. Gentle. Humble in Heart. An easy yoke. A light burden. I like these words, don’t you? They calmed my spirit. They gave me hope that my relationship with Jesus would help me manage my physically tiring factory job, and at the same time He would help me to emotionally cope with the tension in my home I was heading to. I learned that when I focus on my relationship with Jesus it makes the burdens I’m carrying much lighter. It doesn’t make the problems go away, but it puts them in perspective. I see the burdens for what they are: a temporary blip in light of eternity. My summer job eventually came to an end. And in forgiving my parents for their lack of skill in raising me, I developed compassion for them and the burdens THEY were carrying. So what does all this mean for YOU? I wonder what relational burdens you are carrying that are making life weary for you? Where there are no easy answers. Where there’s nowhere to go for you to find rest. Regardless of your circumstances, coming to a relationship with Jesus certainly helps. His gentleness stands in sharp contrast to the strident nature of the times in which we live. Like the contrast I saw in those city bus ads so long ago. The Lutheran ad for Jesus in the middle of a cigarette ad on one side, and an ad for whisky on the other. There’s something quite appealing and comforting about someone calling us to himself to find rest, who describes himself as gentle and humble. The main point of today’s episode I’ll leave you with this final thought: When we’re tired, weary, and burdened, Jesus will sometimes do unusual things, like pacing an ad inside a city bus, inviting us to find rest in him, rest for our souls. For when our souls are at rest, the weight of the burdens we carry eases. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by entering into a relationship with Jesus to find the rest you need. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 100: Relationships We Didn’t Choose 056: Changing How We Think 094: Self-Awareness Deepen Our Relationships

111: How to Find Rest in Difficult Circumstances

Relationships we pursue, that we choose, can be fulfilling because they meet a need we have. We have a measure of control in these relationships. They are the low-hanging fruit of the relational world. But relationships we didn’t choose can be just as fulfilling and life-giving. Keep listening to hear how.  Breakfast with our grandsons The other day Janet and I took our twin grandsons out for breakfast. It was a send-off for Grant who will be taking a leave of absence from his barista job at Starbucks. He’s going to work as a counselor at a youth camp in northern Wisconsin for the summer. George is staying behind to work at Target. The boys told us how their recently completed first year of college went, and we just marveled at how they’ve grown in so many ways. We love getting together with them, for they make us feel young. They make us laugh, both when we’re with them, and 12 hours later without them. That’s when the humor of what they said earlier in the day unexpectedly pops out of our memory bank, like a cork from a wine bottle. And we laugh all over again. When I was their age Our breakfast get-together got me thinking of what life was like for me when I was their age. They’re both 19 years old. When I was 19, rather than working at a summer youth camp, or an air-conditioned department store, I worked during the summer in a hot, sweaty factory with few windows (can you hear the violins playing in the background?) The person I was at age 19 was largely the product of relationships I didn’t choose. Relationships I didn’t seek out. Relationships initiated by someone else. I know you have relationships you didn’t choose either. For example, none of us chose our parents or other family members. In my situation, my mother was single when I was born, living with two female roommates. Because of how unwed mothers were viewed at that time, she placed me with a foster family. She would visit me most Tuesday evenings, as I was told by one of her roommates after Mom died in 2003. These weekly visits continued for the first 15 months of my life until my mother married my step-father and I got to move back with her and my new dad. The kindness I received from relationships I didn't choose When I think of these early relationships I didn’t choose, I think of how blessed I was to be the recipient of the kindness of others. The kindness of my mother not to abort me, in spite of the shame she must have experienced. There was the kindness of her roommate, Kay, who helped my mother keep my existence a secret from their landlord, and otherwise helped her be the best mother she could be - from a distance. I learned much of my very early life from Kay after Mom died. Once when I was asking her what she knew about my birth father, she stopped at one point and said, “You need to know, John, your mother was NOT THAT kind of girl.” The firmness in her voice told me she cared deeply for her former roommate’s reputation. Kay accompanied my mother on her Tuesday evening visits to me. She told me I was cared for well by the foster family I lived with. “They were a very nice couple,” Kay said. I’ve wondered about them from time to time. I thought of trying to track them down like I did my birth father, but I imagine they are deceased by now. But I imagine they too, must have been kind to me. I trust Kay’s impression of them. Kay herself was a kind woman, and though she never said so, I suspect she helped my mother financially before Mom married Dad. Family relationships Then there was my Dad. Kay knew him before my mother did, and she introduced them to each other. When he married Mom it got her out of the shameful jam she was in with me. He was a kind man to her and others. My dad’s mom, my grandmother, was another relationship I didn’t choose. Yet she was the kindest adult I experienced in my childhood. Up to the time I was in first grade or so, she lived with us, and there always seemed to be a conflict between her and my mother. Yet she never said an unkind word about my mom. Never any hint of disdain for her son marrying an unwed mother with a small boy at her hip. A relationship I didn't choose in high school In high school, the guidance counselor assigned to me was a relationship neither one of us chose. Yet her out-of-the-ordinary kindness had a profound impact on my life. Mrs. Roller pulled some strings to get financial aid for me so I could leave home to go away to college. A college where I first heard about Jesus, who chose to have a relationship with me. She also found a job for me that I worked during summers in college, and Christmas break in December, to pay for my schooling.  This is the factory job I mentioned earlier. Since I was 19, there have been more people who have been in a relationship with me that wasn’t their choice. But I’ll stop with the ones I’ve mentioned. It occurred to me that the younger we are the more relationships we have with people who didn’t choose us. But as 19-year-old college students, our grandsons are entering a stage of life where more of their relationships will be of their own choosing. I pray they will choose well by calling up Jesus to give them the discernment and wisdom they’ll need to reflect the character of God in extending the same type of kindness to others that they’ve received. May the same be true of all of us. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: We all have relationships with people who didn’t choose us. I wonder who those people are for you. Neighbors? In-laws? Colleagues at work? Your children? Other relatives? Be kind to them. They didn’t choose you. Pay it forward. Think of the kindness you received in the relationships from people who didn’t choose you. Pass that same kind of kindness on to others. Certainly, pick the low-hanging fruit of relationships with people you easily connect with. With people you choose. At the same time, consider the possibility there might be a richness found in relationships you didn’t choose - if you worked just a little harder at that relationship. If you happen to be in a relationship that is a difficult one, May God give you the strength and power to reflect his character well in that hard situation. Even if the favor is never returned. In closing, I’ll leave you with this thought Be kind to people who didn’t choose to have a relationship with you, but who have one with you anyway. It will bring out the best in you. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at]caring for others [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. I really would appreciate any insights you have. I feel drawn to this topic and would like to explore it further. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act on the relationships you have that you didn’t choose. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 005 The Gift of Joy - Part 1 090: Encourage Ourself by Observing Others

110: Relationships We Didn’t Choose

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 109, Rekindle Relationships by Remembering. Because of the global pandemic, it had been about 15 months since my wife Janet and I last saw our friend in person. I’ll call her “Katherine,” a name I’m making up because she is a very private person and dislikes any attention drawn to her. She’ll probably cringe when she hears this episode. But as we near the tail-end of Covid-19’s grip on us all, Katherine did something so beautiful that I need to share it with all of you. It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture that rekindled her relationship with my wife Janet. It was something we can all do with our own relationships. Keep listening to pick up a great idea or two to stimulate your thinking of how you can come out from our global relational hibernation. My story starts with a phone call from Katherine. She asked if anyone was going to be home because she wanted to drop something off for Janet. When Katherine arrived Janet hadn’t gotten home yet, so she gave me a card to give her and a medium-size house plant. What followed was a simple, natural, heartfelt expression of the ORA principle of deepening one’s relationships we’ve been talking about in recent episodes: Observe - Remember - Ask. If you’re new to the podcast I’ll have links in the show notes to an episode or two explaining this concept. For today though, I’m going to change the A in ORA to something else, which I’ll explain in a minute. Observe The Observe component of ORA started off with Katherine saying, “I’ve been thinking about Janet and how her mom died over a year ago, but because of Covid the memorial service she wanted to have for her never happened.” At this point Katherine started to get a little choked up, but continued, “I’ve been thinking how hard that must have been Janet, and how hard it must be now a year later because I know she had such a close relationship with mother. So I want her to have this plant; it’s just like the one I have. It’s easy to maintain, and when she looks at it, I hope it reminds her of her Mom.” So what does this have to do with Observe? Katherine observed something within herself in thinking how life must be for Janet, a year past her mother’s death, unable to have honored her mom with a normal memorial service because of Covid. She put herself in Janet’s shoes and imagined how she must feel. It's a great way to rekindle relationships with someone you have not seen in a while. I saw Katherine’s empathy for Janet as she choked up in explaining about the plant. Katherine was feeling what she imagined Janet was feeling. It was really quite touching for me to see this in Katherine. Like Janet’s mom, Katherine’s mother also suffers from Alzheimer's Disease. I wonder if this shared experience enabled Katherine to more closely identify with Janet. Remember So what about the Remember component of ORA? Where does that come in here? I hope that’s obvious, Katherine remembered a year ago when Janet’s mother died and couldn’t grieve in the normal way we grieve when a loved one dies. It was more difficult to remember, because there was no personal face-to-face contact over the past 15 months. A Zoom conversation and maybe a phone call took place, but Katherine’s work kept her extremely busy, away from interpersonal contact with friends. Observing what was going on inside her emotionally, and remembering what Janet must be going through, prompted Katherine to move to the next stage of ORA. I wonder what difficult things your friends have gone through that would be helpful for you to remember and then respond as Katherine did. Act In the past, I’ve said the A in ORA stood for Ask. Ask questions, Inquire. Don’t assume. Find out stuff first hand. Get people to define their terms. But this encounter with Katherine leads me to change the A from Ask to Act. Because that was what Katherine did. She acted. Now, I don’t want to disregard “Ask” altogether. Asking is one form of acting. I’m sure we’ll come back to this from time to time. In this situation, Katherine acted by bringing Janet a plant she thought she would like because it was a plant Katherine herself liked. And because she thought it would remind Janet of her mom, and that one of her friends cared and understood the loss she was experienced. In addition to the plant, Katherine also dropped off a card for Janet. It's a simple, but meaningful thing to do when you want to rekindle relationships. By the time Janet got home, Katherine had left. She was quite taken by the plant and told me she had been looking for a plant just that size. Then she opened the card from Katherine. The Greeting Card Now I need to tell you Janet is one of those people who really pays attention to greeting cards, and spends time searching for just the right one that captures whatever thought or emotion she wants to express. Katherine’s card was just perfect. It would have been the kind of card Janet would have picked out herself for someone. The cover of the card shows a straw hat placed on the seat of an empty chair. It's placed outside among a group of black-eyed Susans and other wildflowers. At the bottom of the cover is simply the word, “She” followed by the tilde punctuation mark, ~. When you open the card, at the top, you see the imprint, “was quite a lady.” That’s it. The whole card simply stated, She was quite a lady. Katherine then wrote in her own beautiful handwriting, "Janet, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how you miss your mom every day, and that it must be especially hard on days like Mother’s Day. From the stories you and John have told, I know that you inherited a lot of her qualities - you too are kind, a good cook, a servant, Keeper of a warm and inviting home, and always there for your kids and grandkids. Even though you miss her more than I can imagine, a part of her lives on in you, and you are passing on her legacy to your children and grandchildren as you love and care for them. Because you - like your mother - are also quite a lady. With much love, Katherine" After reading the card, Janet was quite moved by it and called Katherine to thank her for it and the plant. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to rekindle relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: I bet if you were to think about it, you could come up with the name of a friend or two who’s been in relational hibernation because of the pandemic. And I suspect in thinking about such a friend, you can probably recall a significant life event they’ve experienced recently. Maybe the anniversary of the death of a loved one, liked Katherine remembered. Or maybe the joy of a graduation or a birth. Or maybe a happy or sad experience your friend is going through now. After your effort to remember, ask God to show you what action he’d like you to take to acknowledge what your friend might be experiencing. Some action that lets your friend know you care. Just ask God. He’ll tell you what to do. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Coming out of the Covid pandemic is a great opportunity to rekindle relationships by blessing someone with a God-inspired action you can take. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode about rekindling relationships by remembering. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. If you’re new to the podcast, you might want to check out some of the prior episodes that talk about the ORA principle for deepening our relationships. I list four of them with their links in the show notes. Episodes 89 and 90, as well as episodes 93 and 96. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 096: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships 093: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships 090: Encourage ourself by observing others 089: How to be a better observer of people  You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

109: Rekindle Relationships by Remembering

The most rewarding relationships are often found within our own families. But they can also be the most challenging, as well. Fortunately, people of faith can draw comfort from Jesus knowing that he understands what it’s like to grow up in a family that has difficulties when it comes to relationships. Because he grew up in such a family himself. A family that rejected him. Listen in to learn how knowing that Jesus understands can help us. In last week’s episode, no. 107, Seeing is Believing - Or Is It? we considered Jesus’ comment, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family." We talked about how the townspeople of Nazareth rejected Jesus. But in today’s episode, I want to reflect on the rejection Jesus faced from his family and relatives in this same story. For he gives us an example of what to do when we experience rejection from our own family Jesus faces rejection from his family But first the context. Here’s the story again from Mark 6, the first 6 verses. The context of Jesus’ comments “Jesus left that part of the country and returned with his disciples to Nazareth, his hometown. The next Sabbath he began teaching in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. They asked, 'Where did he get all this wisdom and the power to perform such miracles?' Then they scoffed, 'He’s just a carpenter, the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us.' They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.' And because of their unbelief, he couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their unbelief.” Jesus played several relational roles in his family, just as we do in ours Because of this, we know he understands the challenges we face in those same roles in our family. Jesus knew what it was like growing up in a large family, 4 brothers at least 2 sisters, likely 3, maybe more. His 4 brothers are named, but none of the sisters. Jesus was the firstborn of the family. He identifies with other 1st borns. I’m a firstborn. Many of you are, too. Where was Joseph? Was he dead? Little mention of him. With the exception of his mother, Jesus was rejected by his own family and relatives as Mark’s Gospel tells us. Scripture is silent about Joseph in this context. I wonder if Jesus’ siblings were jealous of him? Did they see their parents as favoring Jesus over them? Yet as adults we know that at least some of them traveled with him and his disciples. We also know The brothers of Jesus had wives (I Corinthians 9:5) Jesus was a brother-in-law. He had sisters-in-law Jesus was most likely an uncle He identified with our struggles. He knew firsthand the challenges we all face in being part of a family. So what does all this mean for us? What are we to do when our family or relatives reject us here in the 21st century? For one thing, don’t give up on the people who reject us. In time, they could come around. And cherish your relationship with those who still accept you. Some of Jesus' brothers still followed him around from time to time, from village to village. It doesn’t appear that all his siblings rejected him. And then there is his mother, Mary. What a mom she must have been, trying to navigate and encourage relationships between her children with their most extraordinary sibling, Jesus. I wonder what Mary felt to see some of her other children reject her firstborn son. The family member who stayed with Jesus at the end Then at the end, Mary was the only family member there with Jesus at the cross, at his crucifixion. No other family member was present. Imagine what it must have like for her to watch her son die a slow agonizing death right in front of her. But she was there to support her oldest son. She was with him at Bethlehem, and now she’s with him at Calvary. Bookends to the greatest life ever lived. A second thing we can do when our family rejects us is to draw closer to Jesus. Our family's rejection can draw us closer to Jesus Knowing that Jesus experienced what it’s like to be rejected by his family makes him easier to approach because he knows what it’s like. Jesus understands. He gets us. He longs for us to come to him for wisdom, comfort, and strength to deal with our family when they reject us. When we draw closer to Jesus he enables us to do what he did when his earthly family rejected him. He moved on, focusing more on his heavenly family, with God the Father as its head. Jesus didn’t reject his earthly family, as they did him. No, he still created space for them in his life. But his attention was directed to fulfilling God’s plan for his time on earth, and not simply to gain approval from his family. May the same be true of all of us. Today's main idea to help in your relationships If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Because Jesus went through rejection from his own earthly family and relatives, he is someone we can turn to when the same thing happens to us. He understands. He gets us. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships, even when you experience rejection in those relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related resources you may want to check out: Episode 107: Seeing is Believing - Or Is It? 13 Bible Verses about Christ's Earthly Family You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

108: When Our Family Rejects Us Jesus Understands

“Seeing is believing” isn’t always true. We believe what we want to believe, even when what we see and experience contradicts our beliefs. Learn how to get past this in today's episode, number. 107 You’ve probably heard this one before, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown.” Today we’ll take a look at the origin of this centuries-old saying, and how it relates to another old adage, “seeing is believing.” They both have implications for our relationships here in the 21st century. Let’s start with a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown. If you happen to be a person of faith you may recognize the phrase as originating from the mouth of Jesus. We see it recorded in both the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 13, verse 57, as well as in Mark 6:4. The Context I’ll read the passage from Matthew 13, starting in verse 53: When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations [ a lot of teaching about the Kingdom of God through a variety of parables near Capernaum and the Sea of Galilee], he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, “Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?” Then they scoffed, “He’s just the carpenter’s son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?” And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.” And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief. The gospel writer Mark adds another detail To this account from Matthew, the gospel writer Mark adds that Jesus was not honored even among his own family and relatives (Mark 6:4). Mark also goes on to say “…and because of their unbelief, he [Jesus] couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their unbelief.” Seeing is believing certainly didn't work for them. They went from amazement about his wisdom and the miracles he performed to outright disdain in very short order. There’s an interesting play on words here. The townspeople were amazed at the wisdom of Jesus and the miracles he performed, and Jesus was amazed at their unbelief. The teachings of Jesus brought into question their assumptions about life and were a threat to their worldview. The reaction of the people of Nazareth illustrates significant characteristics about the human condition and our natural tendencies in relating to each other. It teaches us what not to do in our relationships. The obvious things we see in this story For example, we tend to put people in categories or boxes, often subconsciously, based on our assumptions. He’s JUST the carpenter’s son. This immediately marginalized Jesus because of his father’s occupation. A kick in the teeth to Joseph. The townspeople further discount Jesus because of his mother and his siblings, for they’re perceived as nothing special either. In their minds, the whole family comes from the other side of the tracks. I wonder if Jesus was seen as illegitimate since his parents were not married when he was conceived. What could someone from this type of background possibly have anything to offer us seems to be their mindset about Him. They were amazed by the miracles they saw Jesus perform. Yet they dismissed them. Who is he to be telling us all this? The townspeople ignored what they saw and experienced. “Seeing is believing” certainly wasn’t true for them. The disdain of the townspeople I believe is rooted in the notion that people don’t change. That we can’t rise above our origins or circumstances. When someone accomplishes something of note that’s not typical of a certain station of life, we don’t know what to do with them. The not-so-obvious in this story We create a narrative for things and people we don’t understand. I don’t understand math, therefore math isn’t important, is a narrative I’ve created for myself. I explain it in a book I’m writing entitled There Are 3 Kinds of People in the World: Those Who Understand Math and Those Who Don’t. The people of Nazareth who knew Jesus from the time he was a little boy had no category for him. They didn’t understand him, “Where did he learn all these things?” was their question. Matt. 13:56 The easiest thing to do when we don’t understand someone is to dismiss them, “They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.” Matt 13:57 We sometimes experience what Jesus experienced You see this in organizations, ministries, and churches when it comes to relational problems and conflicts. To solve these problems it’s easier to fire people than to do the hard work of understanding everyone involved. Four examples quickly come to mind. In all 4 cases, relational conflicts were not addressed, because that would have taken a lot of time to understand the issues from the viewpoint of ALL parties. Instead, ONE person in the conflict was listened to by the leadership, who then terminated the OTHER person involved in the conflict. It was quick and efficient at the time. But each of these conflict resolutions had the unintended consequence of destroying any credibility in the leadership who made those terminations. Getting back to the people of Nazareth. They didn’t believe what they saw because what they saw contradicted what they already believed, He’s JUST a carpenter’s son, whose parents had to get married because he was conceived before the wedding. We know the family and they’re nothing special. What this carpenter’s son is telling us means we will have to change how we live, and we don’t want to change. So what does all this mean for US? What are the implications for our relationships in the 21st century? When it comes to relating to others, question our assumptions about people. Unlike the townspeople of Nazareth, pay greater attention to the fruit of someone’s life than where they came from and their backstory. Ask ourselves, what narrative have I created in my mind to make sense of someone I don’t quite understand? Stay away from personality tests like the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram. They create self-fulling prophecies and they microwave our understanding of people. We are much more complicated than what any personality test can try to measure. Just Google “accuracy of the Myers-Briggs test” and you’ll see how no serious psychologist considers it valid. Instead, make an effort to get to know others without any preconceived notion about them. Practice the O.R.A. principle of deepening our relationships. Observe. Remember. Ask. When it comes to relating to Jesus Finally, trust what Jesus told us 2,000 years ago is still true. Believe it even if you don’t see it. Believe anyway. Put your faith in Him, and not in your own abilities. The only reason you have any skill at all is because he equipped you with the ability to acquire that skill. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. When it comes to relationships, believe what you see in people, rather than preconceived notions we may have of them and their backstory. Consider the fruit of people’s lives, for they may be showing us a better way to live. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. A related episode you may want to listen to 037: A Two-Step Process to Solve Relationship Conflicts

107: Seeing is Believing. Or is it? Listen in

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 106. At the time of this recording here in the US, we are turning the Covid-19 corner. More and more people are getting out and starting to think about taking a vacation. I hope that’s true for you in whatever part of the world you are in right now. If you are planning to go on a vacation with your family this summer, it’s important to know that a great family vacation takes careful planning beyond how to get to our destination, and what to pack for the time away. Great family vacations happen when we pay attention to relationships and what we can do to nurture them. And that’s what this episode is all about. A great family vacation starts with this A great family vacation starts with your family meeting together well before leaving for your trip. Meet to discuss the first three of five important keys to making your family vacation the best ever. Don’t forget to include the kids. Even very young children can participate. The time spent investing in this planning stage will help build anticipation and excitement for your time together. And it will help build better family relationships and great vacation memories. Know what you want Spend time clarifying your expectations. Write them down. What type of family vacation do you want this to be? The more you know what you want, the easier it will be to get it. If you’re not sure what you want you leave yourself open to disappointment. If you’re clear with what you want, you can take steps to get it. Think this through before you go. Lots of activity, or read books by the beach for a week? Stop at historical markers on your drive, or keep those wheels rolling? Visit historical sites, or spend the time at amusement parks? Do everything together, or allow for some alone time? Mind readers are staying home Don’t expect people to read your mind, because mind readers aren’t coming with you. Tell people what you would like to make the vacation a good one for you. Share your exceptions with your family before you leave on your trip. Don’t assume the rest of your family will know what you want because they won’t. Remember what’s been said of assumptions: Assumption is the lowest form of communication ... followed closely by email. Do you want to stay up late to watch movies or play board games? Or do you prefer to get up before dawn to watch the sunrise? Listen to what others want A family vacation isn’t just about you. The rest of your family has expectations just as you do. Find out what they are. Ask. Draw people out. Get the rest of your family to express what they want. The more you know the expectations of others, the less tension there will be, and the fewer surprises. Do this before you leave the house. We used this with our grandkids on a 2-day trip to our favorite vacation destination. They surprised us with what they wanted to do. They just wanted to chill. Picnics in the park, miniature golf, and swimming in the motel pool were as active as they wanted to be. All three of these keys are important to consider before you ever leave the house. Then when the big day arrives and you’re off on your trip, it’s time to put into place the two final keys to making a great family vacation happen. Find humor in the disappointments We’ve all heard that the two things that are inevitable are death and taxes. To these we can add some disappointment in a family vacation. The weather won’t be quite right. The traffic may be congested. Someone will get sick. You’ll lose something. It’s all part of life. It’s all part of what to expect. Looking for humor in what goes wrong will help create memories to laugh about at Thanksgiving dinner. Story of the Scott Lad Motel outside of Washington, DC (Sorry - no transcript is available.) Debrief at the end of each day Meet as a group and share with your family what went well, and what didn’t. Each person gets to talk about the highlight and lowlight for them. What was funny, what was disappointing? Were expectations met, both yours and others? Talk about any mid-course corrections that may need to be made. Have expectations changed? What part can everyone play in making tomorrow better for everyone? Find someone to complement or affirm for how they acted today. Make a contest out of it. Give awards. Keep score. How can you use what we’ve considered today? Download a copy of 5 Keys to Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever Make a copy for each person going with you on your family vacation. Then discuss the 5 keys well before you leave home. If you go on a vacation with friends, people not in your family, all of these principles apply. Use them. If you are a missionary and your family is on home assignment, most of these principles will apply. A home assignment is certainly not a vacation, for you are often subject to the expectations of others. But to the extent you have control over your time and your own expectations, the greater these principles will apply. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Use your family vacation to enjoy each other, not just the sites you see. Embrace that great quote from Walt Whitman, “We were together, I forgot the rest.” I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode, unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. P.S. You might want to check out this blog post regarding the Walt Whitman quote of the year.

106: How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021

An effective way to connect with people is to learn how to listen better. Books teaching practical listening skills are a good place to start. We talk about one in today's episode. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 105. I have a question for you today. If you want to connect with people to form meaningful relationships with them, where do you start? Today’s episode will answer this question by showing one way you can begin to develop deeper relationships with people. Keep listening to learn how. I can tell you one way that doesn’t work is to try connecting with others by talking. By offering your commentary on whatever you see, hear, or think about it. By filling the airwaves with the sound of your voice. And by talking at people, rather than talking with them. A far more effective way to connect with people is to listen to them. The apostle James had it right when he said, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.” Too many of us do just the opposite, we’re quick to speak, and we’re slow to listen. So if listening to people is an effective way to connect with them, how do we do that? How do we learn to listen better? Learn how through reading One way is to read books on the subject. The problem though is there isn’t a lot of books written on listening. There are many books on communication, but almost universally they’re about the talking part of communication. How to get your point across, how to negotiate, how to have difficult conversations with people. Talk, talk, talk. And more talk. Even my favorite singer, Marcel Marceau, tried to get in the act with his book on how to communicate better with your speaking. It was a very short book, and the sales just weren’t there. Stick to your day job, Marcel. However, I was surprised a while back when I saw a new book that had come out on how to listen better. So I bought it, read it, and found it useful. Today I want to tell you about the book and why I recommend you read it. I think you’d do yourself a favor by reading it because it answers the question, how do I get started in connecting with people in order to form meaningful relationships with them? The name of the book is I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. The Author Michael S. Sorensen is a marketing executive. Not a therapist, trainer or life coach. His book is about what he learned from his therapist, trainer, and life coach Single guy when he wrote the book © 2017 Who the book is for People who don’t read very much. It’s an easy to read book Those who want to be a better listener. Who want to improve their skill level Who feel they’re not connecting with people Those prone to give advice and fix problems People willing to try something new to deepen their relationship Managers or co-workers The book is not for people who are already good listeners, who easily connect with people. If people are coming to you and confiding in you with their hurts or problems, you don’t need this book. It’s also not for academics or professional counselors. Structure of the Book 139 pages. Bibliography/Endnotes of 8 sources Besides the introduction and afterword, the book has 10 brief chapters divided into 3 sections. “My goal has been to make this book a quick read; something you can blaze through in a weekend and revisit as needed., p. 12” At the end of each chapter is a summary. You could read just these short summaries and get the gist of the book. It’s like the Cliffs Notes of the book Premise of the book We will have significant and sustainable relationships to the extent we listen well to people. Listening well starts with resisting the urge to give advice and fix problems for people, and ends with affirming the feelings of people who talk to us. That’s it in a nutshell. Take-aways from the book The author talks a lot about “validation,” which is his way of describing affirming the emotion expressed by someone to you. It’s really integral to active listening and empathy. To this, Sorensen adds it’s important for the listener to acknowledge justification for feeling that emotion. e.g, “You seem really upset over what she said to you; I’d be upset, too, if she said that to me.” The book is consistent with the O.R.A. principle of deepening relationships we’ve been talking about on this podcast. Observe - Remember - Ask. The book is a heavy dose of “Observe.” One of the strengths of the book is how he treats invalidating responses, things like, “you’ll be fine, it could be worse, at least, don’t worry; things will work out He gives examples of validating what someone is feeling even though you disagree with the other person’s interpretation of an event The author shares ideas of how to develop empathy, the first one is “Get curious.” We had two episodes on this subject: 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus 063: Six Reason Why We’re not More Curious About People, and What We’re Missing as a Result Why It’s Worth Reading It’s a “How-to” book. It gives examples of how to put the premise of the book into practice He also shares examples of what not to do, for example, never say to someone, “I know exactly how you feel.” It’s an easy and fast read Practical, not technical. Lot’s of examples to illustrate his points It’s a first step for those who want to deepen their relationships by becoming better listeners The author mentions good listening is a skill, and like any skill needs to be practiced and repeated. It’s in keeping with what we talked about in episodes 11-14 on the four levels of relationship skills. I’ll have links to these episodes in the show notes. Amazon Reviews of the Book About 1600 reviews, 4.5 out of 5-star rating Most people raved about the book for its simplicity and practicality There were many, this book changed my life it was so good reviews Also, a few the book was boring reviews The negative reviews were either about the book was poorly bound and pages out of order - or - it was simplistic, and the author repeated himself. It could have been a book even shorter than it was. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Start by reading the book. Get it from your library or buy a copy. If it resonates with you, put in to practice what the author suggests. If that goes well, ask a few people if they’d like to go through the book as a group. Form a little book club. Practice the principles mentioned in the book as a group. It would be a great summer read. If you lead a group of people in your job, church, or organization, read the book as a group and discuss it. It would be a great way for the people you lead to learn how to care for each other by learning how to listen better. I used to help train counselors at a lay counseling class at our church, and had this book been around at the time I would have used it: I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our best chance for developing meaningful connections with people is to learn how to listen better. The book we’ve been discussing, I Hear You, is a good place to start. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Now go out and get the book. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Resource mentioned in today’s show I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen Related episodes you may want to listen to 011 Relationship Skills - Level 1 012 Relationship Skills - Level 2 013 Relationship Skills - Level 3 014 Relationship Skills - Level 4  

105: How to Listen Better

We deepen our relationships when we consider what might be the question behind the question asked of us, and then address the deeper issue. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 104. One of the things I like about our podcast is the engagement I find with our listeners. It’s one of the benefits of listening to You Were Made for This that I spoke about in our very first episode back in late November of 2018. I’ll have a link to that episode, 001 Six Reasons to Listen to this Podcast, in the show notes for listeners who may have missed it. I so enjoy getting your comments about our weekly episodes. Most are brief and encouraging, which I very much appreciate. And then every so often we’ll get a more lengthy response that challenges and stimulates my thinking. One such response from a listener came in recently that I found most interesting, and which is the basis of today’s show. It’s a concept that can help you transform your relationships into the best they can be. So keep listening. Listener response from Pittsburgh Not too long ago I received an email from Randy, a long-time listener to the podcast. Randy happens to be the Director of Financial Aid at the University of Pittsburgh. Randy wrote to me with his reaction to episode 097, Good Things Happen If We Ask. He related the episode to the work he does in the world of academic financial aid. Here is what Randy wrote: “While your focus on the podcast was about asking questions, this also took me down the path of when I meet with students and families.  Most are so new to the process of applying for financial aid they do not know the questions to be asking.  So, I approach answering their question, by then taking them on a journey of connecting dots to important pieces that address the real questions they need to have answered to ultimately be able to make their decision about affordability in attending our institution. “ “We often think we are asking the right question when in reality we either are not asking the right question or only skimming the surface.  So, hopefully, as we become better question askers, we can also help others do the same by how we answer their questions.” Accounting: I didn’t know what I didn’t know My experience with setting up my accounting when I started my former business An important question behind the question John the Baptist was in prison when he heard all the things Jesus was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, “Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?“ Matthew 11:3 The disciples’ question is loaded with emotion. Behind the question is wondering, “have we made a mistake in following you? Our leader, John, your cousin, is stuck in prison while you’re doing all these wonderful things. If you’re truly the one we’ve been waiting for, why is John locked up, unable to help you?” A tinge of hopelessness, discouragement, and the feeling of "maybe we should cut our losses and move on" Fear that we may have made a mistake Fear that we’ve wasted a lot of time Wondering, is it all true. Can we trust you to be who you say you are? Jesus responds to the question behind the question In answering John’s disciples, he addresses 3 different people: The disciples - John the Baptist himself - the crowds that were listening in on all this. To the disciples, he doesn’t give a yes or no answer to their yes or no question. Instead, he answers their question behind the question. He answers by reminding them what they have heard and seen, and then go back and remind John of the same thing “the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor.” In essence, lives are being transformed And then there is this oh so tender response to John himself, “God blesses those who do not turn away because of me.” In effect, hang in their John. You’re in prison because of the stand you took for me, and my Father is going to reward you for it. As John’s disciples begin to leave, Jesus turns to the crowd and praises John the Baptist, in verse 11 of Chapter 11, Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, of all who have ever lived, none is greater than John the Baptist.” So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Become more skilled in answering questions people ask, anticipate that there may be a deeper concern behind their surface question. Practice the ORA principle of deepening relationships: Observe - Remember - Ask Observe Pay attention to any emotion that comes with the question. Is there any fear? Any sadness? Anger? How about joy? Do you see any regret? Put yourself in the shoes of the person asking you the question. If you were in their shoes, what would you be thinking or feeling? Remember Remember what it was like for you when you didn’t know what you didn’t know. Draw from that experience to extend grace and understanding. Ask Ask follow-up questions. Get people to define their terms. Ask for examples. Get clarification. Ask God’s spirit for help in responding to the question that will be most helpful. If you're feeling like John the Baptist Reading from Sarah Young's, Jesus Today, Day 102. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode We deepen our relationships when we consider what might be an underlying question behind the question asked of us, and then address the deeper issue if one is present. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 001: Six Reasons to Listen to this Podcast 097: Good Things Happen If We Ask 064: Start With This Important Question to Ask 011: Relationship Skills - Level 1

104: The Question Behind the Question

The secret to great relationships is to give what you want to get. It’s your best chance to find joy in being the person God created you to be. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 103. When I first started reading the Bible as a young adult I remember reading it out of a red-letter edition, you know, the kind where all the words Jesus said were printed in red. I must confess, I found this annoying. It was harder to read and seemed to interrupt the flow of things. And maybe it’s just me, but I found it easier to gloss over whatever was written in red. Fast forward many decades, I have another one of those red-letter Bible. But it’s a lot different now. Several months ago I started reading through the Gospel of Matthew, but this time skimming over any words printed in black, and instead really focusing and meditating on all the words printed in red. All the direct words of Jesus. And I’m taking it slow this time. It’s just the opposite of what I used to do. Even atheists quote this Bible verse Not too long ago a verse in Matthew 7 I’ve read dozens of times stopped me in my tracks. It’s where Jesus said something that people have been quoting for nearly 2,000 years, even people who don’t believe in God. Here’s what Jesus said in verse 12 of Matthew 7: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” My reading of this verse took me aback because as I meditated on it, letting it simmer in my mind like your favorite crockpot recipe, it raised an important question in mind. One that we should all be asking. And that’s what the rest of this episode is about. So keep listening. Beyond being nice At one time or another, I think most parents have quoted the first part of Matthew 7:12 to their kids who were fighting with each other. I’m pretty sure I did when our two kids were little, and I’m pretty sure my parents said the same thing to my siblings and me. “Hey Johnny, if you want your sister to be nice to you, you’re going to have to start being nice to her.” Something along those lines. It always revolved around the word, “nice.” Being nice to each other. If you want your brother to be nice to you, then you need to be nice to him. It’s the “golden rule” after all. That was the goal, be nice, don’t argue or fight, so mom and dad can have some peace and quiet. The bar isn’t very high if all we want is people to be nice to us. Nice is not enough. It's certainly not the secret to great relationships. I want more in my interactions with people than niceness. And this is what led me to question: what exactly do I want from others? How do we want to be treated? How do I want people to treat me? To answer this question I started a list. I came up with 28 ways in which I’d like to be treated. I think if I spent more time on it, the list would be even longer. It surprised me; I didn’t think I was that needy. To make this list more manageable for our purposes today, I combined a few things, and here are the top 6 on my list. I would like the following from people: Kindness To be included Listened to Try to understand me Rejoice with me Bring out the best in me I wonder what would be on your list, what do you want people to do to you and for you? How do you want to be treated? Go ahead, make your own list. It’s one thing to know what I want from people; how to get it is quite another matter. The answer has been around for nearly 2,000 years. It’s to do what Jesus said: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” It’s the secret to great relationships This means I’m first going to have to give something of myself If I would like people to treat me with kindness, I must be kind to others. Since I want to be included, to be chosen, I will need to help others feel the same way, included, to be part of things. I’ll have to try to make sure others don’t feel left out. Because I want people to listen to me, I better listen well to others myself. Knowing how it’s important for me to be understood, it makes sense for me to extend myself in trying to understand others. If I want people to rejoice with me, I better be sure to share in the joys of others. I need to be happy for what other people have, that I don’t have. I can’t be jealous and thinking I wish I had what they had. Since I would really like my relationship with someone to bring out the best in me, then I need to be concerned with bringing out the best in others. No guarantees I notice though, in what Jesus said, Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you, there is no guarantee that because you treat people the way you want to be treated they will reciprocate. There’s no quid pro quo (literally “this for that”) when it comes to "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” Could it be that Jesus is telling us that the secret to great relationships is to give to others what you want from them, even if you never get what you want? Could he be telling us this? Where’s the joy in that, and is it even a relationship? I have a hunch that the joy in treating others the way we want to be treated - even if the favor is never returned - comes from being the person God created us to be, which is a reflection of his image and character. That’s where the joy comes from. In being all that we were meant to be. We were made for this. And if what we do to others is never extended to us, and leaves us feeling a bit hollow, that’s okay. Because it is enough that Jesus sees us. He knows. And the ache in our heart that comes from not getting what we need, well, he’ll surprise us in soothing over that ache in another way. It’s just the way it works. This too is the secret to great relationships. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: It starts with asking yourself, what do you want from others? To what extent are you willing to relate to others in the way you want them to relate to you? How willing are you to give to others what you want for yourself? And then realize, we can’t do any of this on our own, we need Jesus. We’re kidding ourselves if we think we can do it on our own. With him living inside of us he gives us the desire to Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” So if you’re finding it difficult to treat others as you would like to be treated, ask Jesus to help you. Ask him to help you obey his teaching, and then ask him for the power to do what he’s called you to do. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. The secret to great relationships is to treat others like you would like to be treated. But you need the Spirit of God living within you to do so. It’s your best chance to find joy in being for others what you want them to be for you. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Related episodes you may want to listen to: 091: Keeping your resolution to do good for others 086: How to begin the new year with joy 049: Sacrifice in relationships 004: The gift of even though Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope today's show stimulated your thinking, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

103: The Secret to Great Relationships

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 102.  Today we're considering how to find joy in our relationships. We call our podcast, as you know, You Were Made for This. I’ve talked before what the “this” is. It’s the joy found in Godly relationships. We are made for relationships filled with joy. What I’ve tried to do in each episode is to show we can either create joy in our relationships or how we can find the joy that’s already there. Today’s episode is about the latter. Finding joy that’s already present. I’m going to share examples of joy I found in what listeners have commented upon in recent episodes, along with a bit of joy I received from a simple email from a friend. It will hopefully give you ideas of how to find the joy that’s already there in your relationships, just waiting for you to find it. Never say “never” I’ll start with Donna, a listener from the state of New York, who wrote to answer a question I asked a few episodes ago, namely, “What else are you doing when you listen to this podcast?” Donna wrote, “Normally I’m either spinning or weaving. I need something to concentrate on while engaging in both of those activities. Your podcast is perfect for that.” She then when on to comment on episode 98, The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask. Donna writes, “By the way, I like the idea of it ‘usually’ doesn’t hurt to ask, rather than “it NEVER hurts to ask.” She’s right! “Usually” is a far better term to use than “never.” Never is a pretty strong word. Little kids, when they complain to their parents will often say, “You NEVER let me do such and such…” I found joy in Donna’s comment because she added an important perspective to what I said in that episode. I wish I would have thought of saying it the way she said it, It usually doesn’t hurt to ask. In fact, my goal has now become to never say never in a sentence. Or I should say, “usually to not say never.” To tone it down a notch, to leave myself an out. Dodging a relational bullet Another listener by the name of Patty had this to say about The Myth of it Never Hurts to Ask. “Good morning John, I appreciated today's podcast!  I've been considering asking a family member a question that is of a sensitive nature. Per your advice, I will check my motive & consider the effect it may have on our close relationship. Asking family members sensitive questions can certainly be a land mine. It gave me a measure of joy to know something I said may have helped Patty dodge a bullet on this one, if I can mix metaphors here. Land mines. bullets. Family members. Maybe they all go together after all. Her comment reminded me of how I need to do the same thing: question my motives about all kinds of things I do or say. This will certainly help me navigate through all kinds of relational land mines. Patty ended with a P.S.: “I look forward to Wednesday mornings when I listen to you before getting out of bed to start the day.” I found joy in knowing listening to the podcast doesn’t put her back to sleep. Something to think about Well, moving on, Connie, wrote in to say “I save each of your podcasts for a beautiful day to walk around Fowler Lake.  You keep me company and always offer something to think about. Thank you.” What a great way to listen to a podcast, walking around a lake on a beautiful day. How peaceful it sounds. I find joy in just picturing Connie doing this, and also that she found something in the podcast worth thinking about. It also encouraged me to think more about relationships with friends. We can make them deeper and more life-giving when every now and then we sprinkle in something in our conversation that makes people think. What makes me think is when someone offers an opinion about something different from mine, based on a perspective I had not considered that makes sense. I really like it when someone tries to change my mind about something. A beautiful way to live Then we have Laura, a missionary, who also emailed her reaction to episode 98, The Myth of it Never Hurts to Ask. “Thanks for this John! I especially liked how you said to put yourself in a position that what you want is offered to you - then you know it’s from God. That’s a beautiful way to live!!!” What a beautiful phrase, That’s a beautiful way to live. And she’s right, it is a beautiful way to live. I found joy in knowing that what I said resonated with her. I’ve been learning the joy of being content with preparing for God to open doors, rather than me opening those doors myself. I’m more inclined to ring the doorbell, and knock on the front door if there’s no answer, then go to the back door and do the same thing, and if there’s still no answer, make a phone call to the person in the house, and if there’s no answer, send a text or an email, and if that doesn’t work, ask the next-door neighbor what’s up with these people, “have you seen them anywhere? Are they out of town?” And it goes on and on. Trying to open closed doors. So much better to just focus on Godly character and wait politely at the front door. If God doesn’t open that door it’s because he has another door in mind, or he just wants me to enjoy all the many other doors he has already opened in my lifetime. I found joy in Laura’s That’s a beautiful way to live comment It’s amazing what you can get for $1.20 I found another bit of surprising joy with something simple Janet and I did. A missionary friend of ours recently lost a family member in a tragic accident. Rather than emailing her, we mailed a card expressing our condolences across the Atlantic to her home in France. It cost $1.20 in postage. Our missionary friend later sent this brief email to us: “Just a quick note to say thank you for the lovely card and condolences:  It's so rare to get overseas mail anymore, and your words from across the ocean really touched my heart.  Thanks for thinking of me…." What a great return on an investment of $1.20 to “really touch someone’s heart.” I was surprised how this simple act brought me joy in knowing that you can touch someone’s heart for $1.20? To me, this is priceless to know I can make a difference in someone’s life with something so very simple. You can do this, too. We all can. You may recall how in episode 87 this past January, Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution, I commented on how sometimes using older technologies - like postal mail, can have a greater impact than newer technologies - like email. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: I wonder where God might show YOU joy in the unexpected places in YOUR relationships. This takes getting out of ourselves for a bit and considering how others view life in ways that are different from our own. Another idea is from time to time to sprinkle our conversations with something worth thinking about that goes beyond the mundane daily events of life. Talk about something substantive that causes someone to pause and reflect. There’s joy in doing that. You can also look for joy in simple things. Simple things that touch your heart, like an international postage stamp for $1.20, which in turn has the potential to touch the heart of another. Lastly, you might want to check out episodes 5 and 6 from several years ago, The Gift of Joy - Parts 1 and 2. I’ll have links to them at the bottom of the show notes. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode One way to find joy in our relationships is to reflect upon what people have said to us, especially when it’s something we haven’t considered before. Their perspective on life can broaden our own. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 098: The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask” 087: Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1 006: The Gift of Joy - Part 2

102: One Way to Find Joy in Our Relationships

You were made for fulfilling relationships. Listen each week to stories of people finding hope and encouragement in their relationships so that you can too. Host and award-winning author John Certalic, together with his guests, share principles of life-giving relationships. John’s relationship story starts with his birth to a single mother and placement in foster care for the first 16 months of his life. From this comes four different careers, 49 years of marriage to the same wife, and much he has learned about relationships. John draws from all this, along with inspiring stories from his guests, to share how you can find more fulfillment in the relationships you were made for.

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You Were Made for This

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