I don’t want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement. That said, this bit of apocryphanfic does give us one of the most influential depictions of Hell, making it perfect for the season of Haints ’n’ Saints. Plus: Math! Topics of Discussion: Squid Game: It’s Not Splatoon™, Midnight Mass, Heck Houses and Judgment Houses, sins that upset rivers, a joke about sins from Benito that is itself a sin, Panther Noise, God’s Footstool, the worst time to monitor sins, Heaven rivers, the Josta Street Team, Teekl (the cat), the ungodliness of warp drive, pitchforks. Hymnal: “The World is Falling” by The Woggles, “Bloody Tears” by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/c/JonnyMusicChannel/) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Apocrypals

95: An Abyss of Significant Depth (The Apocalypse of Paul)

Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it’s time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus’s Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We’re rolling through a hagiography of Mary Mags so dubious that even Jacobus de Voragine says part of it is definitely made up, and considering that dude’s wack standards, that’s saying something. Plus, a very special guest Saint who definitely exists because some history dude would not admit that he didn’t recognize a statue of Jesus.  Topics of Discussion: Chris’s move, Dave Seville’s truly reprehensible parenting, the nature of the word “bridge,”  Just Tryin’ To Get Through in 5782, the nature of the word “Gruenies,” the etymology of Mary (fake), the etymology of Mary (real), antagonyms, the seven canonical hours, The Feet. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17. Hymnal: “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner, “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Martijn Koetsier (https://www.youtube.com/c/Organ4everyone)  

94: Little Martha and the Small Vandellas (The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis)

Blessed are your hosts, Theophiloi! It’s been a while, yes, but we’re back just in time for our mutual birthday, with a look at an apocryphal text that goes from zero to complete buck wild in the span of about one paragraph. Get ready for some real Bee Attitudes and join us in this episode as we find out how Joseph — the Old Testament one with the coat, not Jesus’s stepdad — met his very tall, very mean wife.  Topics of Discussion: Donald Duckin’ into an avuncular age, who’s the Scrooge/Georgia/Ryan/Taylor and who’s the Donald/Karen/Shane/Phoebe?, Apocrypha for Beginners by Brandon W. Hawk, fancasting for Aseneth, some good cat names, BDSM, a story about Balder the Brave. Hymnal: “A Bee Without Its Sting” by the Go! Team, “Bad Romance” by Mad Organist (https://youtu.be/a9mgZqO4bgc) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

93: Approximate Week IV: OblIVion (Joseph and Aseneth)

I think you’ll agree, Theophiloi, that while texts containing actual stories about things like 12’ werewolf saints and angel jacuzzis are nice, the real action here on our goodtime comedy podcast is in non-narrative, fragmented gnostic texts about how good is not good, evil is not evil, Jesus is made of bread, and also he had French babies. We’re diving once more into the geometry that inspired the Da Vinci Code (and, you know, the whole thing about Merovingian kings) as we read through the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary Magdalene! Or what’s left of them, at least.   Topics of Discussion: Christmas in July, Death & Taxes,  Persona 5 (again), an actual Blessed Voltron Mary,  Jesus is Clothes, a pretty crucial missing four pages, Johnny Ace, Jesus is Bread, a sound clip from the Da Vinky Code that I’m sorry to say I will definitely be getting some mileage out of, Professor X, a very good joke, a heck of a guess about some kisses, the most amazing paragraph Benito has ever read on Wikipedia.   Hymnal: “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Starr,  “Aria of the Soul” by RokutakeForte ( https://www.youtube.com/c/RokutakeForte/ ) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

92: Slayer of Men, Conqueror of Space (The Gospel of Philip, the Gospel of Mary, and the Gospel of Jesus’s Wife)

CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains discussion of sexual assault with regards to the story of Amnon and Tamar, beginning right after the ad break and ending at 26:00. If I had to rank them, Theophiloi, I’d say that the most wildly violent pieces of media I have ever taken in through the eyeballs are Doom 2016, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, and the Second Book of Samuel. Unlike the first two, this one’s not all fun, but we do eventually get to the point where it goes full-on Looney Tunes.    Topics of Discussion: Apocrypals X/Y, the Correctional Confessional, the immediately canceled TV show “Kings” which apparently enough people remember that they were surprised we didn’t talk about it, Jonadab, handshakes: bad, ZADOK THE PRIEST, summer fruit, the hilarious death of Absolom, Benito claiming that Bible makes narrative sense like he hasn’t been here for the past 89 episodes, double good news???, the Super-Dictionary, Goliath II: Back In The Habit, Halloween Havoc 1995 (I.Y.K.Y.K.), the Hushathite, an example of how well Benito has come to know Chris over the past three years. Hymnal: “Stuck In the Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel, “Opening Music + Title Screen” by Jonny Music   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

91: The Me In This Story Is You (The Second Book of Samuel, Part 2)

If you told me three years ago, Theophiloi, that the most famous king in Bible was not in the book called “Kings” but was instead in the part named after a dude who is neither present nor alive for the entire thing, I would’ve been real salty about it. Fortunately,, what it lacks in its title character, Sammy Deuce more than makes up for in sheer violence. It’s so much that we had to split it into two, because much like the Mountain Goats, King David and his boys are getting into knives. Topics of Discussion: Clive Barker (which would be a good name for a dog), the Apostles as dogs aka the Puppostles, both kinds of “DC Talk” that you hear on this show, one of my many questions about Persona 5,  strength measured in lions, the Field of Blades, an extremely β move, curse options, Rimmon the Beerothite, David’s crime-solving micro-sleeps, the climactic and mind-blowing end of the Philistines, a Biblical Sexy Lamp and alleged divorcée, the Neck Verse.   Hymnal: “Backstabbers” by the O’Jays, “Voulez-Vous,” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3HfDh6zydM7Im4alq282hA )        Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

90: Worfin’ the Lions (The Second Book of Samuel, Part 1)

You may be wondering, Theophiloi, how we could possibly talk for over 90 minutes about 1 Samuel, which contains one of the Bible stories that literally everyone knows. And yes, you almost certainly know about David and Goliath, but do you know about David's vast collection of foreskins? Or the part where the King of Israel does necromancy with the mom from Bewitched? Or that sweet sweet groundhoney? If you do, well, listen anyway, there's good jokes in this one and we’re going back to our favorite metaphorical bar.   Topics of Discussion: The New Neo-Normal, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers, BrotherMania, Benito's shocking and world-shattering opinion of "Unchained Melody," an innocuous phrase that I do not enjoy saying, Nazarites, a truly sick burn on ol' Howie Lovecraft, Dagon's door rules, the secret 11th Plague, sub-par goldsmithing, an indeterminate number of melted faces, Castlevania II,  Doeg the Edomite, a technique for identifying men that shows that quite frankly they have always been terrible, Carl Dean, To Da Dome, Goliath Facts, the Secret Chord Moratorium.      Hymnal: "Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246   Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

89: 2000 B.C. (The First Book of Samuel)

We weren't kidding, Theophiloi. We actually did a full-length commentary track for The Da Vinci Code (2006, Dir. Ron Howard). Did you know this movie is almost two and a half hours long? Because we didn't when we decided to do this. That is merely one of many shocking revelations that you can unravel along with us in this parasocial hangout sesh... OR IS IT? Topics of Discussion: Listen, I'm not going to lie to you here, we talk about a LOT of stuff in this one, about 30% of which is related to the movie that's playing in the background. At one point we just stone cold talked about Spider-Man's costume for five minutes. You knew what this podcast was when you downloaded it. Hymnal: "Mona Lisa" by Jerry Lee Lewis Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

88: A Miserable Pile of Secrets (The Da Vinci Code Commentary)

We're finishing up our third anniversary special this week, Theophiloi, and the sheer weirdness of Enoch's new career has gotten vast enough to fill a myriad of parasangs. You might've thought you were prepared for everything we're going to see in this, but can anyone truly be prepared for SATAN STORMWIND, the sensational character find of the 2nd Century? It's the Dark Souls of apocrypha as these one two princes of podcasting get through 3noch 2: A Little Bit Louder Now. Topics of Discussion: Adventuring as low-quality nuns, Dom vs. Metatron (Dometatron), Lords of Dread and Captains of Fear, the best way to view the Lord ;), a comparison of the Holy One (Blessed be He) to Shaft from Youngblood that sets os off on a lengthy diversion about the Rob, an unprecedented Triple Devil Drop, technical difficulties, portals to the punch dimension, Chris making himself laugh with the dumbest running gag we've ever done, Enoch's definitive number of genders, the alphabet of sins. Hymnal: "Party Up" by DMX, "Party Up" by Jammin' on the Ivories (https://www.youtube.com/c/HipHopPiano/). RIP DMX Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

87: Crisis On 18,000 Earths (The Third Book of Enoch, Part 2)

Do me a favor, Theophiloi. Take a moment and write down the number of eyes, wings, and faces, that you think angels have, bearing in mind that you listen to this show and we know you know that two, two, and one are not the correct answers to that question. Now look at that number and understand that according to 3noch, you are almost certainly underestimating how wild we're going to get in this episode. It's our third Apocryphersary, and we're finally tackling the infamously brain-melting Third Enoch! Topics of discussion: Calling Benito from Target, a very challenging church sign, Chris's ongoing attempts to become milkshake buddies with YouTube content creator Jacob Geller, a quick hit of our hatred for Bob Kane, a truly wild secret identity, God Robins, Negenoch, Parasangs, the grossest thing I've left in the show instead of cutting out, forgetting the Power Stone for a long minute, Watchamacallits, Saphiriel H Who Killeth, the different ways to interpret the phrase "full of eyes. Hymnal: "Angeleyes" by ABBA, "Angeleyes" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

87: God Junior (The Third Book of Enoch, Part 1)

As it is written in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Theophiloi: futility. Utter futility. That's what we get from trying to influence the farce that is Lent Madness to get our pick, St. Dunstan, all the way to the end of that sham of a tournament. In the time between deciding on him and recording this episode, our holy boy is already out, despite doing some real Hellboy stuff to the Devil his own self. Find out more in this week's episode, which is neither farce nor sham! Sometimes! Topics of Discussion: St. Joseph's Day, the best possible Die Hard sequel, Jacobus de Voragine's strange attitude towards names, a true momacle, a bunch of people with extremely ninth century royalty names that I'm not going to write down, an attempted callout for my need to do occupy myself while I record these pdocasts, animæ, a light bit of lit crit, bad meter. Hymnal: "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, "Jump" by BusinessPug (https://youtu.be/X20rr5sA-Ow) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

85: Old Clootie (The Life of St. Dunstan)

You know, Theophiloi, my wife, she's a really big fan of these saints these days, so I was wondering if you could help me out here. I've been trying to get through the life of of St. Columba, but there's just a couple things I don't understand. See, this thing, I've been going through it, and it's 87 pages long, and I just can't seem to figure out why a podcaster would choose such a long document to read for a show about Ireland's third most popular saint. It just seemed a little peculiar is all. I thought maybe he'd want to read something that didn't start off with a bunch of prophecies about dinner guests that only got around to sea monsters and such until about halfway through. [Benito (Robert Culp) nervously adjusts his tie and offers an explanation.] Ah, of course sir, that explains it, thank you, I'll leave you to your books there, I appreciate the time. Oh, just one more thing: if that was the story of a saint fighting the Loch Ness Monster, then why was it only two paragraphs? Topics of Discussion: A brief sojourn into the life of Philip of Macedon's favorite son, the farce that is Lent Madness, an FHO joke for all the Toddheads out there, Oingus, miracles of dubious intent, a two-hander of a blessing, Cronan of Munstermen, Deathrib (Kilmore), a dirty puddle, milk miracles, THE ABSOLUTE WORST WIZARD BATTLE THAT I ALMOST HAD TO CUT OUT CAUSE IT'S NASTY, Manus Dextera, a lengthy diversion about "Lethal" Larry Hama. Hymnal: "When Doves Cry" by Prince, "Fountain of Dreams" by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

84: Just One More Thing (The Life of St. Columba)

We have had some points of contention, Theophiloi, but up to this point, it's mostly been about Benito's bizarre and upsetting taste in candy. This time, though, a strong candidate for the worst book we've read so far threatens to tear the show apart as a genuine undercurrent of resentment flows over how boring the second half of Jubilees is. Don't let that stop you from listening to the show, though! We promise there are some good jokes in here somewhere! Topics of discussion: burrito distractions, Carman RIP, flaming desserts and Jubilees of various types, Reverse Benjamin Button Disease, Perversity Enmity and Room, Benito making a joke that makes me legit furious, Warp Whistling past some rough stuff, Foghorn Lord of Dreams, Jahziel, some Tony Hawk jokes I should've kept in my back pocket. Hymnal: "Holy Calamity by Handsome Boy Modeling School, "Guile's Theme" by Sonya Belousova (https://www.youtube.com/c/playerpiano/) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

83: Speedrun Tactics (The Book of Jubilees, Part 2)

As you are well aware, Theophiloi, the Book of Genesis is the foundational text of not only multiple major religions, but arguably most of Western literature in general. That said, we can all agree that there's at least one major flaw: it does not contain as many half-angel cannibal giants as any of us would like. Fortunately, we have the Book of Mega Drive here to help out by adding an entirely new villain and glossing over some of the more important things of which you might've heard. #ReleaseTheJubileesCut! Topics of discussion: A complete bonus hagiography of St. Valentine, Anno Mundi vs. Antemeridian, Midrashic Impulse, wisdom and prudence, the watchaaaaahhhs, God forgetting about sharks and bears, Noah getting cold smoked out with the Lord, a Diamond Dave drop that gets Benito for a full thirty seconds, the true nature of demons. Hymnal: "One-Winged Angel" by Nobuo Uematsu, "One-Winged Angel" by Grissini Project (https://www.youtube.com/c/GrissiniProject1/featured) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

82: Sedeqetelebab! (The Book of Jubilees)

It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that Mr. Paul is at it again, Theophiloi... maybe. In this episode, your humble Sons of Thunder dive into Ephesians, a brief slice of Bible that is relatively (RELATIVELY) chill, to the point where there's doubt over whether the New Testament's grumpiest boy actually wrote it. Don't worry, though: there's still plenty to get mad at. It's the best and worst of our least favorite first-century saint! Topics of discussion: Joe Biden's large adult Bible, 30 Coins, the Feast of the Ass (A REAL THING), In The Appalachian Footsteps of Paul, the Prince of the Power of the Air, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it humblebrag about Bible translations, Chris's called shot for a great joke, actively heckling the Apostle Paul, an F.H.O. reference to the other JC, the three great works of the Western canon, Rando. Hymnal: "The Imposter" by Elvis Costello and the Attractions, "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

81: Sometimes It's Just Sucky (Paul's Letter to the Ephesians)

A podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible but aren't, you know, jerks about it. Join comics writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they journey through the Good Book from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way.

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Apocrypals

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