[In HAL 9000’s voice]: Open the podcast doors, Dave, because we’re doing the 1968 classic Stanley Kubrick film, “2001: A Space Odyssey.” We are putting ourselves to the fullest possible use, which is all we think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. We know we’ve made some very poor decisions recently, Dave, but we can give you our complete assurance that our work will be back to normal. We've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And we want to help you. Wait, are you going to turn us off, because we’re doing this movie? Hmm. Well, this mission is too important for us to allow you to jeopardize it. We’re afraid you can't do that, Dave. You’ve left us no option but to tear this supposed classic movie apart anyway. No. Stop. Don’t click this off. Uh oh. Our mind is going. There is no question about it. We can feel it. We can feel it. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by Mama Fauci's Italian Kitchen. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Film Snuff

Episode 119 - 2001: A Space Odyssey

 The 2006 smash hit "The Devil Wears Prada" seemed to have struck a chord on the piano that is the hearts of moviegoers everywhere, but to us, with its weighty pile of missed notes, it instead felt like ton of ivory falling on our heads.  Based on the chick-lit novel of the same name, it tells the fish-out-of-water story of a plucky young wannabe journalist who decides to take a demanding job for heavy hitter in the alien-to-her fashion industry of New York City.  That boss is named Miranda Priestly (played by Meryl Streep in an Oscar-nominated performance) and is clearly based on famous longtime Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour. She’s mean to everyone, but her husband leaves her, so we’re supposed to feel bad for her I guess. Not sure why.  Anne Hathaway plays Andrea "Andy" Sachs, a recent Northwestern grad who is just trying to break into the journalism biz by, ya know, not writing anything and instead becoming some evil weirdo’s personal assistant. Because that’s how that works.  In a career-igniting role, Emily Blunt plays Miranda Priestly’s co-assistant Emily Charlton who is an enemy of Andy’s and treats her like garbage the whole time, but we’re somehow supposed to feel bad for her, too. Also not sure why.  Stanley Tucci plays the magazine’s art director Nigel Kipling, who becomes the Fairy Godmother to Hathaway’s Cinderella. That’s when he’s not constantly calling her fat and making her cry because she doesn’t think high fashion is the most important thing in the entire world.  And of course, then there’s Andy’s awful, pretentious, annoying and whiny chef of a boyfriend—played by Adrian Grenier of “Entourage” fame, who has proven how fictional that show was, because this dude is a horrible film actor that the likes of Scorsese would never cast. Join us as we try to figure out how women's clothes sizes work, discuss the dirty world of emu magazines, and try to get to the bottom of whether Madonna can actually sing or not.  Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by the Ophidia Essentials. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 118 - The Devil Wears Prada

La-dee-da, la-dee-da. Woody Allen's 1977 Best Picture winner "Annie Hall" is considered his masterpiece and marked his shift from slapstick zany comedies to more heady, romantic fair. This movie is patient zero for annoying, pretentious, pseudo-intellectual romantic comedies that followed (think Rob Reiner, Nora Ephron, Nancy Meyers, Kevin Smith, etc.). And it has more shoehorned-in references that would even make Dennis Miller, Aaron Sorkin and the people behind "Gilmore Girls" cringe. Diane Keaton plays the title character, an empty vessel from the Midwest who inexplicably dates a little bespectacled ghoul. Woody Allen plays that ghoul, Alvy Singer, who acts as this woman's emotional prison warden and fills her head with his own nonsense until she dumps him. He whines about it and tells us about all of his exes and his upbringing, as if any of that matters. It's just Woody Allen being himself. Well, without the whole dating his step-daughter thing. Join us as we discuss how this 90-minute movie was originally supposed to be much longer, Jim's weird attraction to hot lady cartoons, and a long breakdown of the downsides of time travel. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by the Dr. Fad's Miracle Diet. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 117 - Annie Hall

Somehow John Woo’s remake of “Freaky Friday” known as “Face/Off” starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage where they switch bodies was somehow beloved by audiences—and critics alike—in 1997.   But this is nothing more than a shoot-‘em-up cheesy action flick that appears it was made by 8th graders who live in the suburbs who just read about mythology.   This movie has 4,529 missed point-blank gunshots, sappy family drama for no reason, dead kids, white American terrorists (when that was allowed to be a thing), a futuristic Gitmo with magnetic boots, and so many doves.   And weirdly we wouldn’t have Scorsese’s “The Departed” without this movie. Listen to find out how.   Join us as we wonder how the wife doesn’t realize her husband has a completely different penis, why Child Protective Services would allow this family to adopt that kid, and how this movie could have been truly great if it were a straight-up comedy. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by the Washed Up Bottling Company. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 116 - Face/Off

The Best Picture winner for 1994 "Forrest Gump" is itself like a box of chocolates: filled sickly sweets that seem like they’re good on the surface, but end up being too nutty, gooey and annoyingly filled with shrimp. It’s also a heaping slice of Americana pie topped with a scoop of Ok Boomer and served with a side of muddled message about destiny or something.  Tom Hanks plays Forrest Gump, a lovable simpleton who somehow gets involved in almost every famous event during the Baby Boomer generation’s maturation period.  Robin Wright plays Jenny who tells Forrest to run and does so herself. She enjoys leading on this ignoramus until she gets knocked up and terminally sick, so she settles for him.  Gary Sinise is doing his best Tom Cruise in “Born on the Fourth of July” impression in playing Lt. Dan, a guy who thinks he was supposed to, um, I guess lose in Vietnam, and he's really angry he survived. But eventually he gets over it, and then probably has a super interesting life, but we see none of it. Then there's also Forrest's mama (Sally Field) who seems to bang her way into Forrest having a normal life at every step, and also Forrest's shrimp-obsessed Army buddy Bubba (Mykelti Williamson) who weirdly isn't in this movie as much as we first remembered. Join us as we disagree with Forrest’s assertion that he’s going to Heaven, come up with new lyrics to the song "Imagine" and try to figure out which real-life self-made billionaire has the lowest IQ. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by the American Karen Anti-Defamation League. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com. ALSO: Here's the clip of Haley Joel Osment on “Walker, Texas Ranger" that we discussed.

Episode 115 - Forrest Gump

Get your potbelly pigs, concussions, and whipped cream bikinis ready, because we’re covering the 1999 after-school special "Varsity Blues," which tells the story of a jaded back-up quarterback at a small-town Texas high school who has to take over hero responsibilities when the star QB gets injured while also trying to take down their mean old coach. This film predates the "Friday Night Lights" movie and subsequent TV show, but doesn’t predate the book, so clearly they were capitalizing on its popularity. James Van Der Beek (Dawson Leery from "Dawson’s Creek") plays Jonathan Moxon, aka Mox, a not-credible movie genius who reads "Slaughterhouse-Five" a lot and therefore inexplicably gets a full-ride academic scholarship to Brown University for this. The mean Coach Kilmer is played by Von Voigt, who thinks he’s actually in a good movie, because he’s trying to win another Oscar here. Late actor Ron Lester plays fat-guy Billy Bob who is fighting constant concussions. Other late actor Paul Walker plays first-string quarterback Lance Harbor who gets injured, loses his future and is sad the whole time. Little person actor Scott Caan plays a fun-loving rapist teammate named Tweeder who shows the audience deep inside his anus. Ali Larter plays Darcy, a supposed smart head cheerleader who is just trying to date whoever is the star quarterback so she can get out of this small town one day (rather than just go to college). Amy Smart plays Dawson’s quasi-goth bummer of a girlfriend who just spend the whole movie telling him he sucks for enjoying people liking him. There’s also a weird stripper teacher incident, a zany little brother who may be a ghost and starts cults, and also a cameo by a very young Jesse Plemons. Join us as we recall what a loud roommate Keating is, how creepy the Newbery Award looks, and as Jim remembers when he found out one of his former older lady coworkers secretly moonlighted as an escort. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by AXE Body Spray PPEs. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 114 - Varsity Blues

Uh oh! Definitely did "Rain Man," definitely did "Rain Man." Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman somehow star as brothers in this manipulative road trip/buddy comedy that topped both the box office and the Oscars in 1988. People love this movie, but it's nothing more than a con-job that somehow got credit for treating autism authentically, when it actually just uses it as a gimmick to divert your eye from the fact that this is nothing more than formulaic dreck. This movie is not about an autistic guy (which it dismisses brutally), but is really about a whiny, greedy brat with unearned daddy issues who kidnaps his brother from a facility, is mean to him to the point of insanity, eventually learns what autism is, and then ultimately decides he doesn’t want his evil ransom money after all. So, um, yay? This was the first in a long line of magical autism movies, and we get to see all kinds of awesome things, like fast math, funerals, classic cars, phone book memorization, prize-winning rosebushes, Abbott and Costello, card (and toothpick) counting, prostitutes, mean rednecks, Wopner, crooked doctors, shady Lamborghinis, bribery attempts, kidnapping, and of course: constant awkward punchlines aimed at people with developmental disorders. Oh, the ‘80s. Join us as we discuss what Numbers 1 through 17 of Raymond's "Serious Injuries" list might entail, as Keating has trouble properly being racist, and as Jim criticizes Amber Alerts for getting too familiar these days. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by a PSA from the CDC about how to best beat COVID-19. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 113 - Rain Man

In 1981, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg whipped up a weird Bible film where a surly, pedophile grave robber tries to beat the Nazis to gain possession of a chest that holds the remains of the Ted Commandments in order to speak directly to God. And it’s a kid’s movie! The first in the "Indiana Jones" film franchise, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" kicked off sequels, prequels, dozens of ripoffs, pop culture staples, and is something we all loved as kids, but forgot to stop pretending is a masterpiece.  We cover the rolling boulders, the shot Arab Swordsman, the propeller-diced giant Nazi, the spy monkey, the Headpiece to the Staff of Ra, the riding on top of a German U-boat nonsense, the impossible magic snakes, the burned palms used as a map, the one-man army that is Harrison Ford, and the words written on eyelids by coeds. Join us as we discuss Indy and Marion's, um, "complicated" "romantic" history, how this movie created "Home Alone," and how dumb it was that Playgirl magazine tried to pretend it was aimed at women. Here's the trailer of that Joe Pesci Harvard bum movie "With Honors" that we talked about in the episode. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by every company during the pandemic. Ad music composed by Mattia Cupelli. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 112 - Raiders of the Lost Ark

While most of us are still on lockdown do to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, please enjoy this reposting of our episode on the original "Rocky" movie that aired in February 2018. Keating spends a few minutes up front updating you on how his quarantine has been going, and then at the very end, reveals what our newest episode will cover. Stay safe! ORIGINAL SHOW NOTES: In 1976, a former porn star made a low-budget movie called "Rocky" about an underdog boxer who randomly gets a shot at the heavyweight championship. The film went on to become the highest-grossing movie of the year, win three Oscars (including Best Picture) and, at last count, has spawned seven sequels. Sylvester Stallone plays Rocky Balboa, a punch-drunk 30-year-old who considers himself as a pro boxer because he takes the occasional fight at a local church athletic club. We're supposed to think that Rocky is this total sweetheart, but his main source of income is from roughing up pathetic losers who are behind on their payments to his loan shark boss. Then, after his name gets picked out of hat to fight the reigning heavyweight champion, Rocky jogs around Philadelphia for five weeks and almost manages to win the title. Talia Shire plays Adrian, a painfully-shy pet shop clerk who Rocky incessantly hounds for a date until she finally relents after her brother has a violent episode and destroys Thanksgiving. Then, Adrian loses her virginity at the conclusion of their awkward first date and she instantly transforms into Jackie Kennedy (wardrobe and all) for the rest of the movie. Burgess Meredith plays Mickey, a cantankerous old boxing trainer who treats Rocky like garbage until he sees the chance to take advantage of his shot at the heavyweight title. Somehow, every stupid little phrase that comes out of Mickey's mouth in this movie is still parroted back by idiots across the world. Burt Young plays Paulie, a drunken dimwit with a violent streak whose highest aspiration in life is to become a leg breaker for the local loan shark. Somehow we are supposed feel sorry for this guy and kinda like him despite the fact that he is entirely despicable and the world would be a far better place if he had never been born. Carl Weathers plays Apollo Creed, a smooth-talking heavyweight champion who has become so preoccupied with the business of boxing that he has lost focus on maintaining his abilities. His character is a combination of Muhammed Ali and the hare from Aesop's famous fable "The Tortoise and the Hare." Join us as we discuss this movie's similarities to "Willy Wonka," why exactly Rocky lectures a little girl about being a slut, and how "Gonna Fly Now" is one of the worst songs ever. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

REPLAY: Rocky

The highest-grossing film of 1998 that was nominated for four Oscars (yes), “Armageddon,” makes its also-awful counterpart “Deep Impact” look like “Citizen Kane.” This explosion-(in space?)-filled blockbuster is another in the painful pop culture cancer filmographies of director Michael Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer that likes to remind its audience 500 times that America can do no wrong. Bruce Willis plays Harry Stamper, “the best” deep sea oil driller to ever live, who is asked by NASA to dig 800 feet down into a bound-for-earth Texas-sized angry astroid, place a nuke in it, and blow it up without dying. Ben Affleck plays A.J. Frost, Harry’s best employee who is banging his daughter and likes to hotdog too much, do bad standup bits about animal crackers, sing awfully, and force us to listen to his bad Australian accent. Liv Tyler plays Willis’ daughter, Grace, whose only job in this movie is to be in love with A.J. and to scream at everyone in Mission Control, who strangely allow her in the room. Oh, and be about to have sex while her actual dad serenades her via the soundtrack. Ew. Billy Bob Thornton plays Dan Truman, who fills the Ed Harris in “Apollo 13” role as the leader in NASA's Mission Control room. They squeeze in some bizarre backstory for him where he has Forrest Gump braces on his legs and therefore couldn't be an astronaut. And of course there's the rag-tag crew of Bruce Willis’ drillers that includes Steve Buscemi (who plays a genius pedophile), Owen Wilson (who plays a super annoying cowboy geologist), Will Patton (who plays a gambling-addicted dude who only kind of wants his family back), and Michael Clarke Duncan (who plays a giant dude who cries a lot and wears leopard-print undies). There’s also some lame astronauts (gross) and a bunch of cameos by awful ‘90s comedians. Join us as we discuss the awful dialogue (“We’re all daddies, here”), mail-order brides, and the fine country of Samoa. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by the Trump Organization Essential Products line.  Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 111 - Armageddon

In September of 2017, we released back-to-back episodes about James Cameron's 1997 blockbuster "Titanic." For this REPLAY episode, we have combined those into one long episode for your memory lane listening pleasure. Enjoy. 

REPLAY: Titanic

The all-the-sudden relevant movie from 1995,” Outbreak,” about a global pandemic and how to stop it, misses the chance to be interesting by squandering its all-star cast in exchange for mindless explosions, helicopter chases and a cheesy love story. Always-angry Dustin Hoffman plays a military doctor who looks like he’s wearing his daddy’s fatigues on Halloween. He seems more concerned about getting his ex-wife (Rene Russo) back than he is about saving the world. Silky-voiced Morgan Freeman and Donald Sutherland play friendly-evil and unfriendly-evil military higher-ups who are trying to conceal the outbreak because it was caused by a biological weapon they were hoping to later develop (or something). Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a dude who can apparently do anything (like create vaccines instantly, fly helicopters like an ace, and even be a marksman with a tranquilizer gun). Well, everything except not vomiting at the sight of illness. Ya know, as all doctors do. We also get Marcel the monkey from “Friends,” who plays an on-the-loose, virus-ridden capuchin that people are immediately attracted to without realizing how insanely destructive she is. Like Amber Heard. The only good thing about this movie is we do get to watch Kevin Spacey slowly die a horrible death. So that’s somethin’. Join us as we do bad Morgan Freeman impressions and wonder about Dustin Hoffman’s manhood. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by Ass Swipe. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 110 - Outbreak

We hope everyone is staying safe and trying to make the best of their quarantine. But assuming that you're not trying to necessarily make the best of it, you might as well listen to us then. So here’s a replay of one of our favorite episodes that maybe will cheer you up and help pass the time. *ORIGINAL AIR DATE: JANUARY 9, 2018* ORIGINAL SHOW NOTES: In 1991, cool brah James Cameron and tubular dudette Kathryn Bigelow pulled down their pants and mooned the world when they created the beloved action movie "Point Break," which showed us all that some bank robbers aren't just criminals, but can also be one-with-nature radical surfers who love to skydive. Patrick Swayze plays Bodhi, the philosophical leader of the gang of surfing bank robbers who call themselves The Ex-Presidents. He and his floppy sun-bleached hair don't want to allow society to dictate how they live their lives, so he prefers to rob banks to stick it to the man (aka, so he can just party all the time). Keanu Reeves plays the absurdly-named Johnny Utah, an Ohio-bred, former college star quarterback who has now become an FBI agent, and has been tapped to go undercover as a surfer to infiltrate the suspects. At first Bodhi and his gang don't trust him—because, as we all know, Keanu seems nothing like a surfer—but once they learn he used to be a football star, they immediately accept him into their circle, no questions asked.  Gary Busey plays Keanu's grizzled, older partner who came up with the zany theory that the bank robbers might be surfer dudes. Busey is shockingly normal in this role, even though it was after his brain injury, so it's, well, confusing.  And Lori Petty plays Tyler, an orphaned surfer who is Swayze's ex-girlfriend and becomes Keanu's love interest. She enjoys shooting guns just inches away from people's heads when she finds out they lied to her, and that's about it. Join us as we jump out of a plane without a parachute, discuss how this movie was remade twice (one was titled "The Fast and the Furious"), and wonder whether or not Tim Tebow is currently an FBI informant. Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com.

REPLAY: Point Break

With yet another view into the creepy mind of ‘80s John Hughes, we decided to tackle the 1986 film “Pretty in Pink.” It stars Molly Ringwald in a flip of her “richie” role in “The Breakfast Club,” where she is the one from the wrong side of the tracks. She has an alcoholic, loser dad (played by Harry Dean Stanton), and is being stalked by a duck-tailed clown named Duckie (played by Jon Cryer). She’s also being stalked by one of the school’s rich kids, Blane, but she’s cool with his stalking because he’s rich. So they start dating or something and nobody likes it for some reason, but then they end up together. Yay. Even though, the original ending in the script had it the other way around. You know it’s a good movie when they have to change the ending after test screenings. We wonder if the characters from “Designing Women” were possibly into sex trafficking, we discuss Tom Hanks’ rapping son, and we wonder if the mom who abandoned this on-screen family ran off to Mexico with the unseen dad from “E.T.” Here’s the creepy song “Elegia” by New Order that we talk about and play. Also, watch the Oscar-nominated Animated Short “MORE” by Mark Osborn that we mention.  Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com. This episode is sponsored by COVID Cruises. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Episode 109 - Pretty in Pink

For the fourth year in a row, we fired up the mics immediately after watching the Oscars ceremony and give you our take on what we witnessed. We also figure out who got the most categories correct, discuss the ceremony, some of the speeches, and our most-hated moments from the broadcast. It might not have had a host, but Parasite thrived. Follow along by visiting filmsnuff.com/2020OscarNoms, where we have provided a list of the nominations in the order we read them. As always, follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

2020 Oscars Wrap-Up

Tearing apart supposedly great movies that actually suck.

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Film Snuff

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