Every saga has a beginning. A confusing, boring, vaguely racist beginning.The Tale of the TapeFilm: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)Director: George LucasRuntime: 500 million minutes (or 136 minutes; hard to say when you're watching it)Genre: Disgraceful PrequelStars: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie PortmanRated: PG for Sci-Fi/Action Violence, Mild Gungan Profanity, and Crimes Against a Generation's Collective Childhood.IMDb, Wikipedia, Jake Lloyd: Ten Years After Phantom MenaceA long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away two men decided to embark upon a great quest: to do fan commentary tracks for all six episodes of Star Wars. We begin with The Phantom Menace, which just happens to be coming back to theaters on February 10, and in price-and-eye-gouging 3D. We here at Gymkommentary do not recommend you pay $18 to see Episode I, but if you have to, see it with us. We'll share your frustration through the interminable discussions of trade routes and taxation, and share your disgust at the slightest mention of Jar Jar Binks.May the Force be with you Gymkommentarians. You will need it.

Gymkommentary!

GYMKOMMENTARY #16: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go go go go!No seriously: GO. You suck. No, you can't have a ride home. I don't care. Take the bus or something.The Tale of the TapeFilm: Revenge of the Ninja (1983)Director: Sam FirstenbergRuntime: 90 minutesGenre: Ninja RevengeStars: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Throwing StarsRated: R for Graphic Violence, Lazy Italian and Japanese Stereotypes, Pantsless Karate Fights, and Excessive Guyliner.IMDb, Wikipedia, Ninja Movie ReviewsTo get this REVENGE OF THE NINJA GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryAs you'll hear, Chris and I are somewhat skeptical of this film's title. It's Revenge of the Ninja, and you've got Ninja Movie Hall of Famer Sho Kosugi getting revenge on the dudes who killed his family. Simple right? Wrong. The dudes who killed Sho's family are ninjas, and it looks like they're getting revenge for something too. So it's like Revenge of the Ninja on the Revenge of the Ninjas. But then it gets MORE complicated: because the Sho's business partner gets -- SPOILER ALERT! -- double crossed on a drug deal, and he's ALSO a ninja and then HE gets revenge. So it's really Revenge of the Ninja on the Ninja Who Wanted Revenge on the Ninjas Who Previously Got Revenge. I think I read somewhere that that was the original title. Whatever you want to call it, this is another craptacular 80s flick from one of our favorite directors here at Gymkommentary, Sam Firstenberg (Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). There are fights and more fights and then a fight on a badminton court. That's right: this commentary will rock your shuttlecocks or your money back! Since you didn't pay a dime, I'm not too worried.

GYMKOMMENTARY #15: Revenge of the Ninja

A lot of the movies we cover on Gymkommentary are torture to watch. But we've never really tried doing this with something billed as torture porn. Now I don't know who killed me, but I do know what movie almost killed me: THIS ONE.The Tale of the TapeFilm: I Know Who Killed Me (2007)Director: Chris SivertsonRuntime: 105 minutesGenre: Softcore (Torture) PornStars: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Julia Ormond, The Color BlueRated: R for Extremely Unappealing Slow-Motion Stripteases, Graphic Behandings, and The Most Violent Glass Blowing Enthusiast Ever.IMDb, Wikipedia, 

GYMKOMMENTARY #14: I Know Who Killed Me

Star Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before.Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this.The Tale of the TapeFilm: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)Director: Robert WiseRuntime: 136 minutes (The "Shockingly Indulgent Edition" "Director's Cut")Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-FiStars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven"Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future.IMDb, Wikipedia, 

GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

The Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them.(OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.)(In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.)(We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.)The Tale of the TapeFilm: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)Director: Gavin HoodRuntime: 107 minutesGenre: Pointless Yet Pointy PrequelStars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn CollinsRated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Name "VICTOR!", Scenes Involving People Stabbing Each Other With Claws Yet Inexplicably Drawing No Blood WhatsoeverIMDb, Wikipedia, A Wolverine Fan Site That Looks Like It's The Oldest Site on the Entire InternetTo get this X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryThis time on Gymkommentary, your fearless hosts get snikt attacked by one crappy comic book movie. Not even Hugh Jackman back in the role that deservedly made him a movie star, Ryan Reynolds perfectly cast as Deadpool, and a screenplay from the writer of Spike Lee's 25th Hour could salvage this mess. You don't need psychic powers to see this thing going south right from the start, with a prologue featuring that classic cliche where someone devastated by tragedy screams "NOOOOOOO!" as the camera cranes upward. Which, come to think of it, really sums up the reaction people have to X-Men Origins: Wolverine in a nutshell.

GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

They are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement.And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs.The Tale of the TapeFilm: Righteous Kill (2008)Director: Jon AvnetRuntime: 101 minutesGenre: Geriatric Cop ThrillerStars: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, Carla Gugino, Brian DennehyRated: R for Graphic Violence, Sequences of Intense Boredom, and Weird, Sadomasochistic Sex Scenes Involving a Shirtless Robert De NiroIMDb, Wikipedia, A Japanese Man Recreates Pacino's Speech From City HallTo get this RIGHTEOUS KILL GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryLook, I get it. You can't feed your family, or pay your assistant's assistant's assistant, or fill up your Bentley Mulsanne's gas tank with biodiesel on indie cred and old Academy Awards. Sometimes you gotta take a job for the paycheck. But it'd be nice if you at least pretended to care about the role while you were playing it. You can't say De Niro and Pacino phone it in in Righteous Kill. Their performances are too disinterested than that; it's more like they text it in. And when you're getting out-acted by a former New Kid on the Block, it's time to step up your game. Which is exactly what Matt and Chris did when they took on this mega-bomb. Are you righteous enough to join them? NOTE: As of March 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

Merriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state."Merriam-Webster can go eff himself. Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here is one stabilizer who will NOT stabilize things. He will do the opposite of what the dictionary calls stabilization, then call it stabilization, and make you like it.The Tale of the TapeFilm: The Stabilizer (1986)Director: ArizalRuntime: 90 minutesGenre: Excessively Violent Action MovieStars: Peter O'Brian, Craig Gavin, Indonesian Mr. T, Gillie BeanzRated: Unrated for Intense, Over-the-top, Borderline Reckless Violence, Mild Buttcrack Nudity That's Actually Just a Guy's Shoulder, A Scene of Graphic Lizard EatingIMDb, Wikipedia, The Peter O'Brian Facebook Fan ClubTo get this THE STABILIZER GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryThis Indonesian action classic may be our most obscure Gymkommentary subject to date, but I promise: after this movie and this commentary, you will never look at stable things the same way again. A guy who sorta looks like Rambo heads to Asia to blow the holy crap out of stabilize Jakarta, where he fights a guy who sorta looks like Mr. T and another guy who uses golf cleats as a deadly weapon. That Greg Rainmaker, he is the man we hate the most, but The Stabilizer, it is the movie we love almost as much as Gymkata.NOTE: As of February 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

Silent for much of the second half of 2009, Gymkommentary returns to kick off 2010 with a vengeance! No, we're not doing Die Hard With a Vengeance. Please stop being more clever than us. Thanks.The Tale of the TapeFilm: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)Director: Ace HannahRuntime: 90 minutesGenre: Ultra-Cheapo Monster MovieStars: Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, Lorenzo "Renegade" Lamas, Vic "I Wish I Had a Nickname" ChaoRated: R for Science-y Sex Scenes, Blatant Misrepresentations of Military Procedure, and Lorenzo Lamas' Bad AttitudeIMDb, Wikipedia, Mega Shark Vs. Normal Sized AirplaneTo get this MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryBased on a chilling true story the screenwriter heard from a hobo sleeping outside Port Authority, this week's Gymkommentary is filled with the terrors of the deep, the horrors of sub B-grade acting, and at least three or four special effect shots used over, and over, and over (and over)* again. Stay out of deep water (or "wah-tehr") while Mega Matt and Giant Chris take on the film that audiences have called "Wait, it's called what? That's stupid."*and over

GYMKOMMENTARY #9: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Grover Cleveland, or that case of herpes you got in Sausalito, Gymkommentary has returned!The Tale of the TapeFilm: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)Director: Mic RodgersRuntime: 82 minutesGenre: Needless Action Franchise ProlongerStars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander BerkeleyRated: R for Excessive Male Grunting, Blatant HAL 9000 ripoffs, and A Totally Gratuitous Scene in a Strip ClubIMDb, Wikipedia, Michael Jai White's "Private Alcove"To get this UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryYes, JCVD is back. And he brought his spin kicks, that big knot on his forehead, and some new pals including pro wrestler Bill "Goldberg" Goldberg for Universal Soldier Colon The Return. Wait is the colon supposed to be silent? Eh, whatever.

GYMKOMMENTARY #8: Universal Soldier: The Return

He killed Babylonians. He killed Mesopotamians. But he was no match for: Gymkommentarians. The Tale of the TapeFilm: The Scorpion King (2002)Director: Chuck RussellRuntime: 92 minutesGenre: SandalsploitationStars: The Rock, Steven Brand, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kelly Hu, Peter FacinelliRated: PG-13 for Mild Sword Violence Without Blood, Atrocious White Man Dreadlocks, and Scenes of A Dude Claiming to Invent Things He Didn't Actually Invent.IMDb, Wikipedia, Create Your Own The Rock Wrestling OutfitTo get this THE SCORPION KING GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryOn this Gymkommentary, the actor formerly known as the wrestler The Rock makes the movie formerly known as Conan the Barbarian. Yes, swords, sandals, and sorcery: this movie has it all. Or at least all that Conan had. But it's fun anyway. Oh and if you can smell what The Rock is cooking, consult your physician. He is not in your house and you should not be able to smell him or his protein-rich diet.

GYMKOMMENTARY #7: The Scorpion King

It's a long road, when you're on your own. And it hurts when they tear your dreams apart. And it's a longer road, when you're with the Gymkommentators. And it hurts when they never shut their mouths.The Tale of the TapeFilm: Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)Director: George P. CosmatosRuntime: 96 minutesGenre: National Revenge FantasyStars: Sylvester Stallone, Richard Crenna, Charles Napier, Martin Kove, Julia Nickson-SoulRated: R for Gun Violence, Graphic Sweat Stains, and Scenes of Intense Facial JigglingIMDb, Wikipedia, Officially Licensed Rambo KnivesTo get this RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryOn Gymkommentary 6: Rambo: First Blood Part II: Leonard Part 6, Matt and Chris head back to Vietnam, a land of exotic beauty, blatantly racist dialogue, and architecture that explodes when you shoot it with an arrow. Rambo's gonna take a mulligan on that whole Vietnam War thing: and this time, we get to WIN, thanks to Sly Stallone's rippling physique and flapping jowls. Grab some popcorn and a good supply of bodybags, and prepare yourselves for the bloodiest Gymkommentary ever.

GYMKOMMENTARY #6: Rambo: First Blood Part II

Okay everyone! Look at the camera and say "How'd it get burned?!? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?" The Tale of the TapeFilm: The Wicker Man (2006)Director: Neil LaButeRuntime: 102 minutesGenre: Regrettable RemakeStars: Nicholas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Leelee SobieskiRated: PG-13 for Intense Hairpieces, Suggestive Kicks to the Face, and Disturbing Images of Little Girls Being Run Over By Trucks On BoatsIMDb, Wikipedia, The Wicker Man on Rotten TomatoesTo get this WICKER MAN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentaryOn this enthralling edition of Gymkommentary, Matt and Chris head off to Summersisle where the women paint their faces like villains from the original Star Trek, the men are mute sex slaves, and Nicholas Cage calls little girls liars and kicks Leelee Sobieski right in her talk hole. I know it sounds like the greatest place on earth, but don't go buying a timeshare just yet! For this island carries a terrible secret. What could it be? I don't want to spoil anything, but here's a hint: it rhymes with "schmooman hackrifice." Truly these are our favorite things, our favorite things.

GYMKOMMENTARY #5: The Wicker Man (2006)

Movie and Television Commentaries from The Peanut Gallery

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Gymkommentary!

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