With Valentine’s just around the corner I wanted to talk about one of the most important aspects of a relationship and that is that real lovers appreciate the differences between themselves and their partners. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the way to have a resilient relationship is to turn towards each other.Differences are part of what initially draws us to our partners. Have you ever noticed how a talkative, engaging extrovert could be attracted to a quiet, reflective introvert? How about someone cautious being drawn to someone filled with confidence?While this is the case in so many relationships, these differences often become distractions down the road. Those cute nuances can move from appealing to appalling. Those same differences that first attracted you to one another can cause conflict, misunderstanding, and even alienation as time passes.Here are some examples:Planners vs. Flexers:Planners are individuals who love organization and structure. If you were to look into their cupboard, things would be organized because everything has a place.Flexers, on the other hand, tend to be more malleable, able to adjust to the ebbs and flows of life quickly.Read more...

John Thurman's Podcast

How to Enhance Your Relationship this Valentines Day

Does the name Steve Martin ring a bell? Performer, comedian, movie star, Saturday Night Live Alum, respected banjo player, father, husband, and author of autobiography Born Standing Up. (By the way, if you are looking for a great read, I highly recommend it.) Read the ArticleHere is a general idea of where the magic is.If a person believes there is a reasonable chance of making their dream happen and they have a sincere desire to make it happen, three things occur:1.         Their focus becomes very narrow.2.         Distractions begin to fade as the goal becomes more evident. (However, sometimes they start to pull away from some relationships for a season.)3.         They zero in on activities that lead to the changes they long for. As they make progress—honing their skill set or craft or muscle tone, whatever—they look for the next challenge that is “just manageable.” They find the next task that is difficult but doable on the way to their dream. Victory is not guaranteed, but it is possible as the individual does what they can from where they are to make it happen.John ThurmanCounseling, WorkLife Consulting.  www.johnthurman.info505 343-2011email: john@johnthurman.info

How to Use the Goldilocks Method to Stay Motivated.

Sobering Facts About ThoughtsHere are some fascinating statistics from a study done in 2020.According to this insightful study, humans average around 6,200 thoughts a day, and they tend to be on the negative side for most of us. No wonder you and I seem to be in a constant state of dealing with damaging “thought worms!”I love the way Tommy Newberry puts it in his book, The 4:8 Principle.“The secret conversations you hold in the privacy of your own mind are shaping your destiny, little by little. With every thought that races through your mind, you are continually reinventing yourself and your future. This is either good or bad news because every thought moves you either toward your God-given potential or away from it. No thoughts are neutral.”If you want to see a significant shift in old habits, change your thoughts and change your life, give these tools a try.Tip # 1 – Supervise your self-talk.Tip # 2 Stop comparing yourself to others.Tip # 3 – Stretch your limiting beliefs.Tip # 4 – Build up others.Here is the link to the article.

How to Make Your Thinking Work For You in 2022

Why do New Year’s Resolutions fail? Mainly, because they are only a statement, or what we wish for in the coming year. There are usually no action plans, no deadlines, no backup plans. Sometimes they are unrealistic resolutions, with no other thought or plans besides the statement.3 Reasons they fail:First, we need to get our thinking right before we can experience enduring change.Second, we fail to have a structure—a pathway with some built-in accountability—to keep us focused and intentional.Third, we are fearful of making these changes because of how they might impact us.4 Barriers:Barrier #1 — The feeling that we are fundamentally flawed and either don’t deserve or don’t have it in us to make the changes we need to make. In other words, we are limited by our own thinking.Barrier # 2 — This one is a little odd, but I validated it in my book, The No-Fear Entrepreneur. It’s the fear of feeling disloyal. “If I make these changes and experience success, I might leave others behind, which would be wrong.”Barrier # 3 — A belief that positive life change and success bring a more immense burden.Barrier # 4 — The fear of outshining others or, as some of our mothers used to say, “Acting too big for your britches.”3 Questions or an outline of an After Action ReportQuestion # 1 – What did I do right in 2021? Think about this in the context of personal growth, business/professional development, relationships, and spiritual growth. NOTE: Make sure your positives outnumber your negatives!Question # 2 – What did I do wrong in 2021? Be brutally honest with yourself, but don’t get involved in self-flagellation or excessive self-criticism. Remember, do your best to ensure that your positives outweigh your negatives.Question # 3 – What can I do better in 2022? Be crystal clear here. The main reason most people fail to meet any of their New Year’s Resolutions is that they are too broad, too generalized, and have no measurable outcomes attached to them.Jon Acuff&apos;s suggestions:1. Ninety days from now I will have ______________________________________________.2. This sounds impossible, but I want to _____________________________________ this year.3. This is weird, but I want to _____________________________________ in 2022.Here is a link to the article and Jon Acuff&apos;s links to his book and YouTube.

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail: How to Succeed with Yours

3 Free Gifts to Give to Your Spouse

10 Ways to Cope with Holiday Grief*Note: Because grief is intensely personal and unique, you may or may not experience any of these. If you feel that your grief is manifesting in a different way or that you need to talk to someone, then don’t delay.1. Be prepared for some sad moments or memories. You don’t need to be looking for them, but when and if they show up, give them the time you need to process them.2. If you are worried about having too much time to overthink your losses, fill some of your empty holiday holes with good things.3. Honor and celebrate old traditions and memories.4 Be intentional about creating new traditions and memories.5. Identify and expand your best coping skills.6. Avoid isolation by volunteering at your church or in your community. Serving others is a significant way to avoid life-sucking self-loathing isolation can bring.7. Avoid isolation by volunteering at your church or in your community. Serving others is a significant way to avoid life-sucking self-loathing isolation can bring.8. Have “reasonable expectations” of yourself. How do you think you are doing? How are you feeling? Based on what you know about grief, are you in an ok place? If you are in doubt, ask a friend.9. Be sure to set boundaries on your time, expectations, and activities. Be busy but not distracted.10. If you need help, get it. Reach out to friends, family, ministry leaders, therapists, online resources, and Crisis Lines if required.Here is a link to the entire article.

10 Tips For Dealing with Grief and Loss During the Holidays

Artwork by Holly Warren Muthard Joy Stealing Trap #1 - BitternessJoy Stealing Trap #4 - PerfectionismJoy Stealing Trap #4  - ShameJoy Stealing Trap #4  - AnxietyHere is a link to the article: How to Avoid the 4 Joy Stealers of the Holidays 

How to Avoid the 4 Joy Stealers of the Holidays

Here are the 5 ways: Jot down your joysCount blessing instead of sheepStop and SavorSmileGiveHere is a link to the articlejohn@johnthurman.info505-343-2011

5 Proven Ways to Boost Your Gratitude this Thanksgiving

Here are nine benefits of actively expressing gratitude.Thankfulness will boost your immune system helping your body fight off infection.Gratitude significantly lowers your risk of causing or amplifying mental health issues.A thankful attitude strengthens you when you are under stress.A grateful heart develops your personal resilience and helps you flourish when others fail.Gratefulness strengthens social bonds.Extending grace to others makes you more likable.Living a life of gratitude helps you sleep better.Having an attitude of gratitude amplifies positive self-esteem.Gratitude elevates your spiritual insights.Next week, the week of Thanksgiving I will give you five-proven gratitude practices you can use to make this Thanksgiving extra special.Here is a link to the entire post

Thanksgiving 2021: A Time for Genuine Gratitude Part 1

While we cannot make all anxiety and stress go away, we can do some practical things to Reduce Stress, Resist anxiety, and Build Resilience.With that in mind, here are 25 Practical Ways to Lower Your Stress Today!Here is a link to the article.

25 Practical Ways to Lower Your Stress Today!

A more recent survey by the U.S. Census Bureau, taken from May 26 through June 7, 2021, revealed that nearly three out of ten adults in the U.S. (28.8%) reported anxiety or depressive disorder symptoms in the past seven days. However, the percentage is almost 60% for those with a disability.The survey shows that 20.6% of U.S. adults took prescription medication for mental health, and 9.5% received counseling or therapy in the last four weeks.But there is hope. Later in this piece, I will give you some tools to lower the toxic impact of the accumulated stress of these past twenty months.  First, there are two types of stress.Eustress is the positive stress response involving optimal levels of stimulation—a type of stress that results from challenging but surmountable and enjoyable or worthwhile tasks.[5] It has a beneficial effect by generating a sense of fulfillment or achievement and facilitating growth, development, mastery, and a high level of performance.Distress is the negative stress response, often involving negative affect and physiological reactivity—a type of stress resulting from being overwhelmed by demands, losses, and real or perceived threats.[6] It has a detrimental effect by generating physical and psychological maladaptation and posing serious health risks for individuals.The Two Ancient Practices to lower stress and anxiety are Mindfulness/meditation and relaxation breathing to review a peaceful mindset piece of Scripture. For this exercise, we will be using a verse from John 14:27 in the Amplified Bible,“Peace I leave with you; My [perfect] peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. [Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge]” (John 14:27 AMP).Here is a link to the blog Here is a link to my Free Mini-Seminar on November 10th from 9:00 - 9:30 am MT.

How to Lower Covid Stress Using Ancient Practices

Humor and lightheartedness can dramatically improve both your mental and physical health, but did you know it can significantly enhance your marriage.Here are six things that humor can do for your relationship.1. Links you to others. 2. Helps smooth over differences.3. Develops resilience.4. Increases energy and relaxes at the same time.5. Renews perspective. 6. Increases creativity. Here is the link to Lighten Up! 6 Benefits of Humor in Your MarriageFor fun, here are a couple of links to other articles that used this as a part of their articles on relationships:6 Things a Partner May Do That Can Prove They are the Right One  This is an excellent article from Working Woman.16 Signs You Married the Right Person by John Rampton                      Be sure to check out Dr. Charles Lowery’s video Lover or Loser, Action Plan:I help couples enhance their communications and enrich their intimacy by sharing faith-friendly, resilience-based principles.To learn more, just check out www.johnthurman.info. Please take advantage of a free consult by emailing me john@johnthurman.info or calling me and leaving a message @ 505-343-2011. I will get back to you usually within 24 hours. From there, we can set up a time to talk either on the phone or via Facetime or Duo.Would you like a free copy of my ebook, 21 Ways to Improve Your Marriage? All you need to do is text the phrase 21ways to 33777.

Lighten Up! 6 Benefits of Humor in Your Marriage with Humor

Marital Conflict is Inevitable. But Marital Combat is Optional.The key to any fight is to maintain control. No, not of the other person. Control of yourself. You do not have the right to be immature, childish, or abusive. On the other hand, if you have legitimate feelings and issues, you are absolutely entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)Here are 10 things you can do to Reduce Stress and Conflict in Your Marriage.1. Make it private and keep it private.2. Deal with the issue at hand.3. Stay in the room emotionally.      Never allow it to get physical!4. Eliminate “You never” and “You always.”5. Avoid character assassination like the plague.6. Avoid “mind reading.”7. Stay on task.    8. Be proportional in your intensity.9. Commit yourself to openness, honesty, and acceptance.10. Allow yourself and your partner to retreat and/or regroup with dignity.Need help? Call and leave a message 505-343-2011 or email me john@johnthurman.infoDownload my free ebook 21 Ways to Improve your Marriage by texting 21ways to 33777.Here is the link to the entire article 

10 Quick, Proven Ways to Reduce Marital Stress and Conflict

Did you know that 69% of your problems as a couple are unsolvable!Here are the 3 types of problems couples face:1.  Solvable ones2.  Perpetual, unsolvable ones3,  Corrosive, gridlocked onesHere are 9 Ways to Solve Relationship Problems1. Awareness — work on conversations about your solvable, unsolvable, and possible gridlock problems.2. Keep an open mind as the two of you look consider the types of problems couples face.3. Please DO NOT try to change the other person.4. Grow in understanding your partner. After all, you are pretty quirky, so learn to appreciate their quirkiness.5. Pick the sword you are going to fall on. In other words, Pick You Battles carefully.6. Fight fair.7. Learn to communicate clearly and directly.8. Remember that not all problems are solvable.9. Pray. It can&apos;t hurt, and who knows, it might help.Here is a link to my blog by the same titleI&apos;d love to get your feedback, so feel free to leave a comment.

9 Ways to Solve Relationship Problems

1.He knows he can be himself without being judged or criticized. Nothing can kill a relationship faster than unnecessary criticism and being talked down to. Instead, look to encourage and build up. 2.He smiles a lot. He feels that you notice him and appreciate all he does for you and that you do not take him for granted. He feels seen and known, not like being compared to characters on the Hallmark Channel or Virgin River.3.He realizes you love and accept him for who he is, but he also knows that you will lovingly confront where necessary. He knows that your love is the "real deal" and respects it because he sees it is not based on submissive compliance but a loving choice.4.He likes that you care about looking attractive in your own personal way. Of course, he doesn&apos;t expect you to look like someone you aren’t, but seeing that you care about your appearance makes him feel you value yourself and your relationship with him.5.He understands that you desire him because of how desire is expressed through physical intimacy. Most men want a wife who loves physical intimacy.      6.He likes to be at home, partially because he feels respected and admired there. There is no love outside of respect. Feeling the admiration and respect of the one you love boosts self-esteem, increases intimacy, and promotes communication and passion.7.He speaks highly of you. Most men do love to talk about their wives to friends, family, and coworkers.8.He rarely or never feels belittled, berated, or humiliated by you. While we as men like to think that we have it all together, we don’t. One of the ways you can build your man up is to edify, comfort, and encourage, rather than tearing him down.9.He sees that you do not hold on to grudges, keep score, or consistently feel victimized by life. It helps your relationship develop flexibility and adaptability and retains the possibility of a rewarding future intact.10.He is faithful to the vows he made to you in both word and deed.11.He seeks you for comfort and consolation. When your husband chooses to share his problems with you, it is an excellent indicator that he is happy with you even when feeling discouraged and vulnerable. Here is the link to the articleHere is the link to my Resilient Solutions Shortcast.

11 Ways to Have a Happy Husband

Overcome Stress, Anxiety and Worry, Enhance Your Relationships, and Grow Your Business

hubhopper

John Thurman's Podcast

hubhopper