Comedian Kendall Ferguson stops by to talk about sex and relationships

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Comedian Kendall Ferguson stops by...

A few of my friends are having some relationship issues. Without going into details, the one thing that they all have in common is that they feel like they are missing some crucial elements in the relationship. For the most part, they were at one point happy with the relationship and their partner in general. But over time, they realized that something that they felt they needed was missing. Suddenly, that need became so great that they were willing to sacrifice what they had to seek out what they didn't have. I had always thought that this behavior was more common in men than women. However, according to my recent experience, it has become apparent that women have these feelings too. I thought that most women just kinda settled into their relationships, and lived them out until something devastating happened to make them want to leave. So, either the majority of my friends are not the average woman, or there are more women out there that are refusing to settle. I'm betting on the latter. This excites me. Well, kinda. I say that because I am happy that women are standing up for what they want and expressing their desires within their relationship (or are they, really?). but it saddens me that the partner that is looked at as the backbone of the relationship is willing to give up so easily. Are women really expressing what they want from their partners? Or are they expecting them to be mind readers and guess what's making their partner so miserable all of a sudden? I think that communication is the foundation of any great relationship. And as long as you can communicate, ANYTHING can be worked out if it's addressed early enough. That being said, I know we've all heard of the 80/20 rule. If you haven't, I'll give u the short version. NOBODY'S PERFECT. But if you have 80 of the 100% of what you want, it's likely that if you seek out that missing 20% in another partner, you won't have the 80% that you started with. I REALLY believe that if you have 80%, you should either find a way to gain the other 20% in your current partner, or learn to live without that other 20%. I always say that the grass always looks greener when you're seeing somebody else water it. But what happens when YOU'RE the one who has to water it? Is it still greener when somebody else is watering the lawn that used to be yours? I know that some people will say that if that 20% is something like respect or sex, that it's worth considering leaving. I say that it is difficult to disrespect someone who respects themselves, and people only do to you what you allow them to do. How can you say that you have 80%, if there is no respect? I can't see how the other 80% could be there if there is no respect, unless your 80% is sex and everything else falls into that 20%. That would be another blog altogether. On the other hand, the key to great sex lies in communication. If you can communicate your likes and dislikes to your partner and your partner is truly willing to please you, you can overcome your sexual issues. If you are a woman who has an issue with the size of your man's penis, let me just say that ALL men are built with the equipment to please ANY woman. I know that I am touching on a sensitive topic. I've been here before. Here's the thing….The G-Spot is only about 2 inches inside the vagina. If you ever meet a man with less than 2 inches of dick, tell him to call me, cuz I need to see that for myself. I think the smallest penis I've ever even heard about was 4 inches….that is….on a grown ass man… 4 inches can do a lot of damage….lol….trust me I know. And before yall get to judging me, NO, I am not unusually shallow, and I do have at least one kid, delivered vaginally….lol. For a man who is "short" in that respect, he needs to know what he's doing. If he doesn't, he needs to be taught. Either way, THERE IS A WAY!!!! If the problem is girth (width), then, my sister, the problem is with you. I know this also from experience….Fukkin wit these mandingos out here can fukk u up!!!!! Especially if that's what you're used to. But listen up, the vagina is a wondrous creation….lol…It can shrink and expand and it can even do some tricks. If you don't know any, hit me up, I'll hook u up….lol The best thing I can tell u if you meet your prince charming and he has a pencil dick, is to take a break from sex altogether (no dildos or any penetration whatsoever) for about 3 months….it's not that long….you can use a bullet or something for clitoral stimulation so u can get off during this very SHORT period of time. During this 3 months, do TONS of kegels…I mean TONS (it won't really take that many, but do TONS anyway). Everytime u think about it, squeeze those muscles. Get you some ben-wa balls or some other type of "sexercize" equipment, and work the hell out of those muscles. You'll be back to virgin tightness after 3 months guaranteed. Only guaranteed if there's no penetration, but even if there is a little, you'll be tight enough to cradle the smallest penis. Once you rectify that situation, from there, it's all about communication. If the problem is that the guy is not happy with the sex, then there's definitely a problem with communication. I say this because women generally perform INSIDE the bedroom based on how they are being treated OUTSIDE the bedroom. If she's not performing well, she may be struggling with other areas of the relationship. Talk to her and find out what the problem is. See if you can relieve some stress that may be coming from somewhere else and affecting her ability to focus on you. If the problem is that her twat feels like a black hole, then refer her to the previous paragraph….lol I know this is a long one, yall. But yall know I'm passionate about saving GOOD relationships. I hate to see people move on from one relationship and get into another, only to wish they had what they left in the last relationship. It's really sad….and I like to stay in my happy place….lol I know some of yall gonna say I'm full of shit, so bring it on…..lmao

When is 80% Not Enough?

Cee and Mimi are back to discuss whether a relationship can work if a woman is more successful. Also Reader comments....

Stand by your man Part 2

Does income determine the value of a man? Will a relationship work if the woman is more successful? Cee and Mimi stop by to discuss...

Stand By Your Man

Paul Branton is back and still talking shit!!

Real Sex Talk (part 2)

Paul Branton stops by to talk dirty !!!!!

Real Sex Talk (Part 1)

I got this letter from a myspace friend about a friend of hers: Her husband had got deployed for 4 months. Well before he left to go to Iraq, they were already talking about getting a divorce. Well while he was away, she started seeing another guy. I told her she wasn't being smart with the affair, she was out in the open with it. Now where she lives...it is nothing but military families. All of them are friends! They watched her for 3 months, parade her new man around. She even had the man in the house with the children. Well, she has three kids, but the oldest one is not his. So when her husband calls one day, the oldest son tell him that mommy was having another man in the house. Well to make a long story short, he and she had an argument about it and he threatened to kick her ass out his house when he got back home. Well, he came home Oct. 1, and it has been hell every since. He has followed her to stores, and other places. Just to make sure she isn't having any type of contact with the other man. He has even left the children in the house sleep, so he can go out and catch her with the other man. Well she hasn't been having sex with him, she told him she doesn't feel it anymore, and she thinks it won't be a good idea with them getting a divorce. Well of course this man has some built up pressure, and he had been trying her. Well they had been sleeping in separate rooms. She and the baby would sleep in the master bedroom, and he would be in the guest. Well...She usually leaves her bathroom light on for the baby, so when he wakes up he can see her and not start crying. Well when she went to bed the light was on. She said she was sleeping well, and she said something awaked her. When she rose up in the bed the light was off, and he jumped on top of her. Now her husband is large with muscles and military training. My girl is a size 2, and tall (she is a model.) Anyway, he pinned her down and raped her for an hour. When he was finished, he got off her, went in the bathroom got a towel, threw it on her, and then told her "I see you did have a little more left for me". Girl when she told me this I cried for her, and with her. I didn't really give her any serious advice just yet, but I did tell her to get herself together and go get her children. She left the house and went across the street to stay with a neighbor. I suppose to call her back, and I want to make sure that what I tell her is right. She has showered and gotten rid of the evidence, so now she has nothing. I think she should just get the hell out before he hurt her...like kill her. Um….wow? Ok, first she needs to get all her shit and get out the house for real, not across the street. Rape is an act of violence, it is also often committed by people who feel out of control. Let me just say first that soldiers take a while to get back to normal after they come back from fighting a war. I think that she handled the situation ALL WRONG!!! But rape is never the fault of the victim, no matter what! There is obviously some psychological issues with her husband that need to be dealt with. However, if she plans to leave him anyway, I don't really feel like those are her concerns at this point. She needs to get out! Now!! I say this because a man who is fresh home from Iraq and rapes his wife, is probably still transitioning from being in a situation where violence is accepted and a place and time where it is not. I kinda like to put myself into the shoes of both parties when dealing with any situation before giving advice. And although I can see both sides, I think the most important thing I can say here, is GET OUT!!!! This man has some violence issues that he needs to deal with and the violence may become even worse. Because he is military trained, I don't think that she should take the chance of being there when he snaps again. It's unfortunate, I know that, but very necessary. She may want to seek counseling and in fact, I urge her to do just that… If she wants to reconcile after he sees someone for his problem, then fine…but for right now, she needs to leave and he needs to not know where she is. From there, she needs to listen to the advice of the counselors and she needs to file a police report. It doesn't matter that she has no dna evidence, because he is her husband. It would be difficult to use dna evidence against a spouse in the case of rape anyway, because she could have just said that he raped her after she had consentual sex with her husband. So, that doesn't matter right now. She needs to get an order of protection, because she doesn't know what he's capable of at this point. She needs everything to be documented. And I think that may be the best advice I can give on the subject. I cannot stress COUNSELING enough!!!!! She needs to talk to somebody (a professional)!!!!!! With that said…. I know that we want to paint a picture of this man as a monster, but I just cant do that. Don't start writing me hate mail. I empathize with all victims of rape. I happen to be a rape survivor myself, so I know how it feels to be violated. And I know it'll be a long road ahead of her to get past this, but she will with proper counseling, or alternatively a really long time and a lot of prayer…:-) Even though I am empathetic with the victim, I am also sympathetic to the rapist in this case. I can not imagine what his mentality must be like right now. I know that military training and worse, real-life combat, changes a man. I also know that without the proper support when they come home, that it takes longer to "get back to normal". I've seen it with my own friends and family members. I got my own issues with this war (don't get me started), but this is one of the reasons, that I don't feel like we should be sending people over there for unjustifiable reasons. This pisses me off, but I won't even go into it, cuz I could write about that for days…if I were talking, somebody might shove a sock in my mouth, so imam leave it here for now. But I think that we should be more careful how we treat our sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, and whoever while they are fighting and support them when they get home. I don't support this war, but I do support our troops. As a matter of fact, I'm sending a care package (masturbatory sleeves and lube) to a unit in Afghanistan this week….:-0 Don't hate. But seriously yall, this was really hard for me to answer, cuz my mind was all over the place trying to examine the situation from both sides. And I will agree with my naysayers that I wouldn't have been even a little bit concerned with where he was coming from had she not led with "he got deployed". So, Imma just say I hear yall already with your "shame on u laa" and "I can't believe u even thinking bout that nigga" and "fukk him, he's a violent asshole that needs his ass whooped". I thought that too at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt almost as bad for him as I did for her

When a House is Not a Home

Okay y'all, I got this message from this guy the other day. It took me a couple of days to answer it, because I was trying to figure out how to keep my cool and not call him a punk BEEEYOTCH!!!! Oh, wow, I guess I didn't make it, huh? Ok, so anywayz…I won't reprint the letter, nor will I publish his name simply because he asked me not to. I will say that it is my sincere hope that he does not delete me for what I am about to say…but, I warned u all from day one "don't ask if u don't want to know". I do not sugar coat anything, and Imma give it to u raw and uncut, so here goes… The question was this…in so many words…"how do I tell my wife that I'm bisexual?" wtf? Okay, let me just say this first…the answer is "you don't"!!!!! Before y'all get to jumping on me for telling this man to keep a secret, let me tell you why I said this, for those of yall that don't already know. I say don't tell her, because she already knows!!!! Telling her is just a way to relieve your conscience. No woman could be married to a man and not know that he has a certain "affection" for men. We may pretend for as long as nobody else realizes it, but we know EVERYTHING!!! There are no secrets in relationships for women. If we don't say anything, it's because we aren't ready to leave yet. When u fukk up, we know..and we make a conscience decision to deal or not. That goes for cheating and whatever else. Some women are not willing to let go of a decent relationship because of a minor or sometimes major indiscretion. But we always know…some women are a little more emotional than others and will jap out on you for everything that they catch u doing. Not necessarily because u did it, but because u were either too stupid or didn't care enough to do a better job at hiding it. Most things are forgivable as long as nobody else gets wind of it. Once somebody finds out what u did, most women will make a big deal out of it and immediately come out of denial or break their silence for fear of being ridiculed for being a "dumb bitch" for putting up with your shit. But basically, the deal is this…if u got skeletons, and u think your girl don't know, don't ease your conscience by telling her because there's a reason she's not saying anything about it. You spilling the beans will force her to deal with the situation head on, and u might not like the outcome. Let her deal with the shit her own way. U do the dirt, u live with the guilt – GOOD FOR YOUR AZZ!!! But don't make her pay for it twice…she'll tell you she knows when she's ready to deal with it. Or she may sweep it under the rug to save the relationship. Either way, it's just better to keep it to yourself. Unless u know the other bitch bout to tell on yo azz, then, u better fess up quick so there aint no surprises. Even though a real bitch gonna act like she already know anywayz and then whoop the bitch azz for bringing that shit to her in the first place….lmao And what kinda bitch-made nigga tells on himself anywayz?!!!! Punk Bastard!!!!! And just for future reference….if any of yall ever see my man wit another bitch, don't nobody better tell me nuthin!!! Lmao BITCH, I ALREADY KNOW!!!!! GET YO OWN MAN, AND WORRY ABOUT HIS AZZ!!!!

How should u tell her? Are u serious?!!!!!!

Why is it so hard for people to believe that a woman can be involved with a jumpoff situation for a long period of time and not develop feelings for the other party? Does it take a hardcore, heartless BITCH to separate love from sex? What does it matter that it's been 12+ years of the same guy, ALL the friggin time? Why can't a booty call just continue to be a booty call without somebody falling in love? If you go into a situation knowing what it is from the beginning, why should it be more difficult to accept later? How come people think a woman cannot control her emotions well enough to call a spade a spade or a booty call? Since when are men the only ones that can distinguish sex from emotions and treat it as such? Or does a guy have to be just as cold to consistently sleep with the same woman for 12+ years and not feel a damn thing? What is the standard for when you stop calling a booty call a booty call? Is there some unspoken rule that says that u have to turn it into some type of relationship? Or can a spade just be a jumpoff?

A booty call by any other name

I have a friend who had been in a long term relationship for umpteen years with the father of her child. She was undoubtedly faithful to him throughout their relationship while he consistently cheated on her. She always knew he was cheating, even though most of the time she didn't speak up about it. He was caught over and over because he was careless in hiding his antics. She would find all kinds of stuff in his pockets (no snooping, she was doing his laundry), and in the car they shared. She would get anonymous phone calls from women who refused to give her their name, but proclaimed to be the woman (women) that her man was currently sleeping with. She forgave him time after time only for him to do it again and again, even to the point of fathering another child outside of their relationship. Finally she was fed up and felt she deserved some attention from a guy who had been pursuing her for quite some time. She talked to him a couple of times and eventually met him for drinks which led to an "unexpected" roll in the hay (figuratively speaking, of course, since she lives in Chicago). Since she had not planned to have sex with this man, she had also not planned an alibi, and was eventually found out. Her man exploded with anger and disbelief, called her all kinds of names and broke up with her. He packed his bags and left and she didn't see or talk to him for weeks. When she finally did, he explained that the thought of her being with another man was too much for him to handle and that he could not forgive her for what she had done. Although, he would continue to sleep with her over the next few months and I suspect as long as she allows it, he would not be interested in considering a resolve in the relationship. He was gone! Now is it just me, or is that a double-standard? AND A KICK IN THE ASS!!!!! Why is it that men expect to be forgiven for their indiscretions and yet cannot forgive the woman that has forgiven them countless times for the same act. Since when does 100=1? I got A's in math and I don't remember that one! Is it genetic that a woman be tied to one man while a man is tied to several women? I would just like to know from a male perspective why men feel that it is necessary to sleep with more than one woman at a time and why they can't forgive a woman for doing the same? Needless to say, I have a broken-hearted friend, who is sincerely sorry for what she has done, and can not fix the broken relationship because of unforgiveness. I have told her to move on, because a relationship that is one-sided will not stand the test of time anyway and if he couldn't forgive her for cheating, then he was probably looking for a way out anywayz! Correct me if I'm wrong.

Cheating: Is it really good for the goose?

I have heard it said that fellatio (oral sex performed on male) is the ultimate form of submission. After all, a woman should derive no pleasure from orally pleasuring a man. It is he who receives the benefit from all the teasing and licking and sucking of his member, while she suffers only the agony of the strain on her jaw muscles from trying to perform while avoiding contact with her teeth which are a natural obstruction. How could anyone disagree with the notion of submission when after all, he is looking down at her and she is in a sense bowing down to him (especially if she is kneeling before him)? How could anyone question his superior position in this situation, when he is obviously the only party receiving pleasure from the act and therefore she is practically sacrificing herself in a physical sense by giving in to his need for carnal pleasure? A woman with a bit of a controlling streak might see the situation from a different point of view. Maybe she thinks that since she hold his manhood in her hands and mouth that she is in control of the situation. Maybe since he would have to trust her with the very thing that makes him a man, that he is in fact the party in submission. After all, it is she who now controls the direction that this sexual encounter will take. For example, let's suppose that she is not in the mood for a night of sexual adventure. If she is skilled in the art of fellatio, and she knows her man, she could bring him to a strong climax, therefore draining him of his strength and sexual prowess for the night and bring the night to an uneventful close fairly quickly. Or maybe she doesn't feel like indulging in foreplay and simply wants to "get right to it". In that case, she could simply pretend to gag …or maybe temporarily become unaware of the presence of her sharp ass teeth …lol… (sorry guys, I know that's not funny), or generally just not perform well enough to keep him interested and therefore silently persuade him into tending to her needs. The question of the day is….who is really in control? And why?

Fellatio: Submission or Control

Laa’s Hot Spot is a podcast focusing on sex and relationships. We discuss a different topic every week with myself and a different male co-host. This way we get the discussion from both the male and female perspective. The podcasts generally begin with a blog, located on my myspace page (www.myspace.com/laahotspot) which will be open for discussion and responses. Those responses will in turn be a part of the discussion within the podcast. Please respond to the blogs or send me a message with your responses. Most responses will be read and discussed during the podcast. If you do not mind joining the conversation, leave a callback number (in messages, not responses to the blog) so you can be conferenced in, if time allows. You can also call my voicemail at 206-333-0442 if you have any questions or comments. Feel free to leave me messages with questions you want answered from both male and female perspectives. Fellas, if you would like to be a guest co-host for a future podcast, please let me know (especially if you have a topic in mind).

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