In this podcast from 26 August 2015, we delve into the concept of the Identified Patient. The term is used in family therapy to describe the situation where one family member is labelled as "the problem child", and has all of the family issues projected onto them. The identified patient is also often the person that looks for external help or shows the first outwardly signs of inner-turmoil. Stephen Bach and Mags (under her previous screen name Monkey) look at this phenomenon from their own experiences and discuss how a similar situation can occur in other toxic settings too. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

What To Expect When You're Healing

Identified Patient

Resiliency Essentials: Resiliency is our ability to deal with BIG Stuff. We create more successful outcomes the more resilient we are, despite the obstacles and heartaches we all face in life. Originally recorded in June 2016 As survivors of abuse, we sometimes feel we have to beat a lot of odds... I know that sometimes we feel so overwhelmed by life's circumstances that to the rational mind seem marginal, that we want to just give up. Because the prospect of even those small hurdles makes us remember the huge task of healing that lies in front of us. It makes us feel that we will never be able to deal with life's big stuff, the complications that every life knows and every person has to face. Develop resilience and be brave. There are days when it is very discouraging. You have to develop personal resilience to environmental things that come along. If you let every single environmental challenge knock you off your game, it's going to be very, very hard. Renee James In today's podcast, I speak with Michael Ballard about resilience. How we can train ourselves to become more resilient, and how those skills will help take the edges of the big and small issues we face on our path. About Michael Ballard: Michael is an author, speaker, trainer, and consultant. He travels the world helping people learn how to add more resilience into their lives at home, work and community. Michael specialises in helping people, families, organisations and communities learn how to thrive with resiliency. Resilience is a process, a set of key assets, skills and beliefs that can change our lives. Resiliency can change the quality of our journey and often the quality of the outcomes. Connect with Michael on Twitter and Facebook or check his website www.ResiliencyforLife.com for more information.  Resources: Michael asked to make these resources available to help you with your resilience journey. Resiliency Essentials - Resiliency is our ability to deal with BIG Stuff. We create more successful outcomes the more resilient we are, despite the obstacles and heartaches we all face in life. Turmoil Breathing - Turmoil breathing is a process and skill set for staying calm and clearheaded during very challenging situations. More breathing/meditative resources by Michael are available here. Self-Leadership Skills Model - Phase 1 | Phase 2 --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

How Does Resilience Help With Life's Big Stuff?

In today's episode I respond to a quote I found recently:  “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.”  Dale Carnegie  - Fear and insecurity can freeze us into place  - Fear will not go away by staring at it  - You can start with the smallest possible steps  - Being successful at the small steps starts building your confidence --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

Building Confidence and Courage

I recorded this 30-minute podcast a few years ago. In it, I share my own story of becoming conscious of the abusive situation I was in, and how that lead me to cut all contact with my family.  Want to learn more about escaping an abusive situation? Check out this free Healing Academy module: https://swanwaters.com/preparing-escape-abuse/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

How Mags Realised Her Family Was Abusive

This podcast was originally recorded in 2015. This is part 2 of 2. Being a parent is never an easy thing to do, and co-parenting after a divorce is even harder. But co-parenting with a toxic person? It is probably impossible... Still, there are ways in which you can make the best of an extremely difficult situation. Aubrey Cole and Stephen, who we first met in their podcast about toxic romance, share their experiences. They highlight some of the challenges co-parenting with a toxic ex and give hand-holds on how to meet these challenges. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

Co-Parenting with a Toxic Person - Part 2

This podcast was originally recorded in 2015, and is part 1 of 2. Being a parent is never an easy thing to do, and co-parenting after a divorce is even harder. But co-parenting with a toxic person? It is probably impossible... Still, there are ways in which you can make the best of an extremely difficult situation. Aubrey Cole and Stephen, who we first met in their podcast about toxic romance, share their experiences. They highlight some of the challenges co-parenting with a toxic ex and give hand-holds on how to meet these challenges. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

Co-Parenting with a Toxic Person - Part 1

 When we are addressing triggers and trying to heal from traumatic experiences, we need to change the stories we tell ourselves. Have you ever had an extremely emotional response to something that turned out to be pretty trivial? Well, looking back at that moment, you can probably reconstruct the story you told yourself. They often go something like this: Better not forget my bag on the bus  Yeah, you're going to forget that bag, and it's going to cause problems  You can't be trusted even to bring along your husband's things See, you're a failure at EVERYTHING  You are worthless! Or at least, that's how my brain would respond to such a thing happening. Of course, you won't forget the bag... but it's a rabbit hole. So, how do you stop that story of doom from running through your mind every time something unexpected happens? That's what today's podcast is about. Mags explains how you can change the stories that are triggered and create lasting change. Main Take-Aways: To change the stories, we have to address how we feel about our triggers.  We cannot change from a place of fear. Desensitising is a great strategy, but we can't bully ourselves in that process Encouraging ourselves from a loving compassionate place means taking baby steps It also means celebrating all the progress we make  --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E76 - Rewriting The Narrative

In the PTSD module in The Healing Academy, I share strategies Aubrey taught me for coping with my triggers. She based those strategies on the work she did in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, a resource she still recommend to anyone dealing with PTSD and other high-stress situations. Here are five life-changing lessons Aubrey got from this book, and my (Mags) reaction and viewpoints on those. If you want to read along with Aubrey's writing, you can find it here:  https://swanwaters.com/aubrey-learned-managing-triggers/  --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E75 - What Aubrey Learned About Managing Triggers

In this podcast Aubrey and Mags (under her previous screen name Monkey) talk about everything from what it is, to how it can manifest. Links to Resources: Effects of Domestic Violence by the Joyful Heart Foundation. And also important to remember is that “violence” does not have to include a physical violence. Remind yourself again of the Definition of Domestic Violence. The Podcast episode that Aubrey refers to at the beginning of this episode is here:  https://swanwaters.com/adverse-childhood-experiences-affect-your-health-and-relationships/  Do you want to learn more about PTSD, how it can affect you and how you can cope with triggers and flashbacks? Check out the PTSD module in The SwanWaters Healing Academy: https://swanwaters.com/your-brain-on-ptsd/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E74 An Introduction to PTSD and Toxic Relationships

Note: This audio was recorded as a Facebook Live, and it's not the best I've ever recorded. However, I felt the message was worth sharing.  When leaving abuse, we undoubtedly leave a whole life behind. We have to redefine so much of who we are and how we do things. It can be overwhelming. In today's episode I talk about how you can take charge of your transformation and healing. Main Take-Aways * Becoming self-aware helps us better manage our emotions * Taking charge of the things you control, will take away some of the fear and annoyance about the things you can't. * The more we feel we are responsive, rather than reactive, in our life, the more resilient we feel and the more positive choices we can make --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E73 - Building A New Life

However hard you try, however much you prepare and try to control your circumstances, even under the best of circumstances, your life is not going to be perfect.  Main Take Away: * Just because things are not the way you'd dreamed, or wished, or imagined, doesn’t mean they are not enjoyable, and memorable. * Instead of focusing on the imperfection, focus on the unexpected fun that the solution created. Or how the mistake highlighted something great about your life. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E72 - Embracing The Imperfection

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags discusses the way that we can be our own worst enemies (and that we need to be more compassionate toward ourselves in our healing journey). Many survivors find it easier to show compassion to other people than they do to show it to themselves The more we repeat loving messages to other people, the more we hear them and can apply them to ourselves Helping others enables you to heal yourself --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E71 - Compassion Grows Compassion

In this episode of The Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about making the escape from abuse. Learn how to make the transition from victim of abuse to survivor and overcomer.    Main Take-Aways As long as you hold onto the notion that life is happening to you (rather than believing you have the ability to take charge of IT), you won't ever feel empowered to change your situation It's important to learn that you are WORTH making changes to your life and also that you CAN make changes to it Learning to react (rather than respond) is the first step to realizing that you have control of the outcome of the situations you face Three ways to start empowering yourself are: creating boundaries, understanding that the abusive situation is an illusion (it is not happy or safe - despite what you want it to be), and strategizing your escape Resources mentioned: Prepare your escape from abuse --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E70 - From Victim To Survivor

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks with fellow SwanWaters team member Aubrey Cole about her experience of living in an abusive relationship for 25 years, how she left, and what she has done to help other survivors since.  Main Take-Aways • When you enter into an abusive relationship, it doesn't begin as obviously abusive. It generally begins as a subtle crossing of boundaries that eventually lead to more extreme abuse • Gaslighting (causing someone to doubt their own perception) makes a person easier to trick and control • Monopolizing someone's perception (when an abuser insists you see things the way you do) is a form of emotional abuse that makes the target feel they aren't entitled to their own opinions • Leaving a domestic abuse generally situation requires you to set up an exit strategy before trying to leave because it can take up to 7 attempts to leave Resources mentioned: • Bodies in the Basement • Preparing Your Escape from Abuse • The Beach, My Soul, and My Shame • Listening to Shame | Brené Brown Listen To More Episodes Here --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E69 - The Story of Aubrey Cole and Captain Crazy

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about how easy it is to fall into focusing all your energy on the person who abused you. While it's totally natural, it's not going to serve you in the long-run. Know that it IS possible to build a life where they're no longer the center of your thoughts. Main Take-Aways • You're allowed to be angry. But then it's important to move on to the next step • When you're in an abusive situation, the reality is that everything is about them. Your normal was that nothing was ever about you  • In your healing process, it's important to gently say to yourself, "That was then and this is now. It's about me now."  • After leaving abuse (and because it's about you now), you can focus on learning new skills about boundaries, self-care, and improving your self-talk   Listen to more episodes of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast here:  https://swanwaters.com/category/podcast/pshpodcast/  --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message

E68 - Focus On Yourself

Welcome to What To Expect When You're Healing (formerly SwanWaters Healing Podcast) your guide to self-empowered healing in the aftermath of abuse. We'll help you gain insight, learn practical skills and navigate your healing journey and transform from survivor to thriver. All the resources and ideas shared here and on the SwanWaters website are based on our personal experiences and learning. Swanwaters.com is a place where you can meet your peers for support and advice: http://swanwaters.com

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What To Expect When You're Healing

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