We celebrate A KISMET CHRISTMAS (2022) with one dose of cookies and realize ... When the ingenues need help, they make one call: La Chabert ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Jeb's at the Strawberry Festival ... Simultaneous Strep and Covid ... Jazzys in the Entenmann's Event Tent ... We liked it! ... Meta threat ... Parenthood, dud ensemble ... "Hallmark Christmas Blogger Sarah Ramos" ... Aware, but not kidding ... Fun hammy ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Grandma Mia decluttering; mom outta the picture; Patsy and the Mayor; book-ornament contest; looming deadlines; childhood collaborations ... Spot the Angel: Benny the agent; ancestral ghost; Travis ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kismet Cookies, not to be used internally; done when it seems done; secret ingredient is love; you need fudge ...     Break: NFL Films, "Classic Battle" PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jeb screws up a TPB reference; children's books are easy!; Nostalgic Christmas (Episode 72); the Man in the Arena ... Overdetermined: Almost none; working cookie for a trembling lady; great divorce take; three quits, one plausible explanation ... Crossover: Stephen King; Rogan book tour ... Gary Vaynerchuk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Mayor, a medicated Dennis Hopper; Raylene, Wine Woo Mom ... Who's the Real Villain: Villain-free; Christmas wedding hosts ...        Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 2.0, for load-bearing moppetry ... Rating: 4.5, well-executed turbo Hallmarkery ... IMDB Dive: Mark Jean, Flip That Romance (Ep. 51); Betsy Morris Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Gateway jewelry ... I got my library card ... Benny's Christmas HQ ... Becoming your parents ads ... Sarah Ramos's "City Girl" ... Night Runner vs. Moon Boat ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Timorous Me." by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

It's Christmastown

124 - Dream Cookies, Wine MILFs, Moon Boat

We take A FABLED HOLIDAY (2022) out of time, and we apologize: No one's claiming the rights ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas nostalgia ... Who are your guys? ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Jake guy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Widower Charles on the Event Horizon ... Vincent Price chapter narration ... A strangely under-playful, overly traumatized movie ... Mr. Snowflake at Verso Books ... A WWI of emotion ... Spot the Devil: Mildred ... Spot the Angel: The Narrator ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: Mad Men/Lumbergh cocoa mugs; goulash; inaccurate beer pull; orange abbondanza; candy cane vape pen; chewing on cinnamon and rosemary ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The PNW telluric currents; angel vacation resort ... Overdetermined: Confronting the sprites, wild accusations; Mildred's Rickles routine; "I am done living in fear!" ... Stuff didn't work out! It's ok! ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Crossover: Introducing Ned Ryerson; nyads, wood-nymphs, things of that nature; Death Ship, again ... Unclaimed rights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Diane and Keith's divorce-a-thon ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Maybe 2,000 years old ... Mad Dog Russo's Revolutionary War ... Who's the Real Villain: Fiction publishing and copyright ... Literacy in DeSantisland ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... Meet your dead dad ... IMDB Dive: Ruby Monroe, script supervisor, Blade Trinity The Leftovers: Charles and Mildred banter (good), Charles despair line-reads (bad) ... All her stories, steel suitcase ... Made up village, lotta rules ... Blue violin, karate ... Six seasons and a screenplay! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Torgo's Theme." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

123 - Faeries, Dr. Weir, Things of That Nature

It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (2022), and we'll never pass up a good thing. Radio by seniors, for seniors ...  THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. elder mortality and AA ... A rom-som template on real vulnerability ... Bruce Arians ... Our aging [step]parents[-in-law], aging and driving ... First normal person in a Hallmark world ... Committed, sincere, Hallmark dialogue ... Fundamental grouchy love ... Real Crossover: A Canadian indie film in a Hallmark universe ...   Break: Basil Poledouris, "Klendathu Drop," Starship Troopers soundtrack. PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Hey, Good Morning; Amy Instagram; she's a business ... Jazz aficionado ... Senior Radio ... Apology, AA confessional, let's race! ... Scarecrow teen treachery ... Spot the Angel: No ... Eat Your Heart Out: Caramel mortarboard; foliage week, proper names, time dilation; first pumpkin latte of the season; late Loggia, Alex Jones; hotel pitcher of cider; Luke and Lillian's pumpkin sage ravioli; Mountain Dew Braised Rojas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tom is Billy Pilgrimed here; diner kid in the movies, here, now; "Pumpkin Pie Wars"; "Holiday Date," the undercover Jewish experience, Delco Extended Universe ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Letters to Santa: Andrea Canning, the Dateline anchor, USS Christmas and IMDB ... Overdetermined: Necessarily overt talks; soundtrack cue, swing hooting ... Crossover: Starship Troopers and Scanners, of course ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Mom Lillian, jerk-horny, work-life imbalanced ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Who's the Real Villain?: The elder care industry ... Don't wanna know the book's plot ... Full Mendo ... Title/Sequel: Good title; fed up; that feel, Tone ... Rating: 3.5 ... "Inchon Landing on the War on Christmas" ... The Leftovers: The Jeff Beesley experience ... The Michael Ironside IMDB tour ... McBain ... Surfacing/Scanners ... Cohagen, horse breeder ... Megawattage ... Soundalike narrative soundtrack ... Merry Christmas!  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Scanner Duel," by Howard Shore, Scanners soundtrack. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

122 - A Pumpkin for Klendathu

CASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (2021), but we're willing to reconsider if:  We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed movie ... Grew up in Hallmark stores ... Teen money ... Haunted by figurines ... Work at Hallmark ... Work at the Gap ... Gift wrap ... Year-round Christmas store ...  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Wrecked toilet ... Daffy final third ... Real-ish growth ... More nuance, still confused ... Maximize Your Tropes: Milkshake theft; "my values"; giant fake belly; lake surfing; anchored together; stunt coordinator ...   PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Bestie Sasha or old Minnie ... Eat Your Heart Out: Gym shake; workout negroni; cheese fries, tendies, gym; Costco cheeseballs jar; butane-roasted cauliflower; contemporary pizza; chip smuggling, snack confiscation ...   PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Decommissioned Summer Camp Belt (Episode 57) ... Overdetermined: Ex Liza's arrival; Jared's "work"; stunt-training; homecoming gown; "her rules" ... Crossover: Chris Hemsworth's paunch workout; Ben Affleck quitting Dunkin; Kate's Most Dangerous Game ...     PART FIVE    Hallmark Bechdel Test: Barely! ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rick; Jared; maybe everyone; Minnie ... Who's the Real Villain: Fat-shaming/bad science ... Rating: 3.5 ... A flow state of assumed chemistry ... Giant thumbs-down sticker ... Into sticker-shaming ... Snotty table turning ...  PART SIX The Leftovers: 70% of the population has a dad-bod ... Good locations ... Minnie is a ghost ... IMDB Dive: Christie Will Wolf, W. Stuart, Reacher's brother ... Going to Hogwarts ... Race to Save the World at Midnight ... Avocado green ... Driftwood ... Bad cornhole ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Hooray for Hollywood," by John Williams and the Boston Pops and "Pump It Up (Instrumental)" by The HotRats. More from Casey: Twitter HERE • Book HERE • Newsletter HERE • Instagram HERE

121 - Assault on the Waist Rising

JONATHAN KATZ and SAM ADLER-BELL sail into history aboard the USS Christmas (2020), but first:  Let's go get hot chocolate! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Meet Jon, Sam, Sam's grandma and Jon's mom! ... Happy story, death machine ... Cast Rundown ... Niven ... The Dual Expositional Challenge ... Was this fun? ... Can't think past the meatball ... Bald evangelism ... Cool planes ... Hanoi Hilton ... Ruin movies with college ... Not much USO ... Vietnam ...       Break: "I Bombed Korea," by Cake PART TWO   Journalismism: The Moore-Bacon wedding; less important work; firefighter baby; staffed paper; "Mr. Bailey"; Maddie ruins lives; public-records incompetence; FOIA; stealing documents; New Yorker-ass paper; headlines; Maddie's email; streaming entertainment ...             Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Captain Chet ... A real talk about trauma ... MILF hunter ... Marines plane, yuletide ship ... Nick Frost ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dinner rolls; bacon; shared milkshake; NYC bistro in Wilmington, NC; NYC Waffle House; mistletoe martini; abundant hot chocolate; sucky chestnuts; candy cane gnawing  ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe ... Overdetermined: Wine toss; ditched rival; the Grinch; trauma swappin'; "Daddy's Girl"; scared of Christmas ... Join the Patreon! ... Crossover: Flight of the Intruder; USS Milius; Man in the High Castle; Captain Chet Red Octobers it; a U-571 Christmas ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grinch Billy, troubled reader; every character; Maddie's horny widow mom, who only likes one child ...    Break: "Drop Da Bomb," by Party Posse PART FIVE Who's The Real Villain?: Disliking the military; facing reality; generational trauma; news' novelty bias ... Rating: 3 ... It's a Wonderful Boat! ... Jen Lilley gas face ... Niven didn't bring it ... Know Your Enemy Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: Aircraft carriers in NYC ... IMDB Dive ... Q-pilled Dorothy with clone Sam ... Joni Mitchell Appreciation Station ... Podcaster beefcake ... LBJ! ... Anna Chennault ... Robert Strange McNamara ... Smedley Butler ... Plugs! ... TYFYS ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin. Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamAdlerBell Follow Jon on Twitter: @KatzOnEarth Order Jon's book here.

120 - A Floating Meatball of Barbarism

We started DATING THE DELANEYS (2022), but:  Do you know how loud jai alai is? ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Wink! ... Wine Clown (taupe) ... Rom-rom, with jokes ... Jennifer Barrow Appreciation Station ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... McNamara nostalgia ... Restorative justice for Brendan Zub ... Manderson Mode ... The Expositional Challenge ... A horn of a sort ... Plot Mop-Up: Michael, guiding PR practice; ex-husband rehab; horny grandma; arcade-bar; gone fishin' ... They seem like people! ... Paul Campbell Appreciation Station ... Charmingly corny flirty antagonism ... Punishing punsmithery ... Early forced laughter to natural fondness ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Maybe Michael, maybe the horny mom, probably a goose egg ... Angelic parenting assistance ... Eat Your Heart Out: Salted caramel and cookies; Cafe New Orleans, eating crawfish, po-boy chunks; blind date basket of rolls; reasonable pizza with pepperoncini; pecan-pie cake; skyscraping bacon chocolate cake; Find My Salad Soulmate; namin' fish; America's most favorite cake; abandoned Heineken; Shake, Battle and Bowl; sauceless mozzarella sticks; rime-free milkshake ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make It, Bake It, Cake It; QVC knockoff; Teryl Rothery; Episodes 9, 11, 12, 31, 50, 52, 55, 56, 59, 64, 74, 83, 84, 85, 86, and more; wine-clown concert road trip! ... Overdetermined: No true qualifier; too much friend hectoring; winking ... Crossover: Steve "Bones"; Quantum Bakery Apprentice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All non-Michael, non-New Kid men; Steve! Steve! Steve!; David, the ex ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE    Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who's the Real Villain: Self-performance dating-app industry ... Title/Sequel: Good title and "Delaney Due Date" vs. Thematic underuse and "Dating Dana Delaney" ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Met at pickleball ... Printing out articles ... IMDB Dive: Jennifer Barrow, King of the Hill veteran ... Zack, the turd, with a sign ... Old new kid ... Treat Williams ... "Your dad comin' today?" ... Second Life kitchen ... "World Baby" ... Dental plan ... Merry Christmas!  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "100,000 People," by Philip Glass. Read Jeb's hot dog sandwich piece: Here. Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

119 - Play Dates with the Pun Patrol

Uproxx's VINCE MANCINI gave us a buzz to talk CUT, COLOR, MURDER (2022), but:  Forensics can wait for the pageant ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  All things seamy, guest starring Sutton Niekro ... Sopranos vs. Hallmark podcasting ... Vince's Hallmark bona fides ... Gilmore Girls comp ... Muted romance, many speakers ... Lego/cigarette Canadian ... More Karpluk! ... Cast Rundown ... Jeb Flubs Name of Brendon Zub ... The Expositional Challenge ... Sublimely 311 ... Shear Delight: Gownless neck-hair trim; lumberjack sketch; hands off my instrument; listless blocking/acting ... The Bear, but for hair ... Hallmark-ass prestige restaurant ... Break: "Sweet Home Chicago (Live)" by The Blues Brothers PART TWO   Chekhov Wept: No time for loose ends; Knives Out shade; disappearing mom horniness; disappearing setups; landlocked sailboat; Mitzi's break-in breakdown; "local"-status alibis ... New Yorker director ... Wrong-footed by Hallmark ... Murder twist ... Women laughing alone with tombstones ... Burn Notice ending ... Eat Your Heart Out: Stress eating fruit; flapjack group, toast group; Dominican BBQ; Todd Gurley for Burger King; open-mouth etiquette; more Gurley burger ... Land of wigged brunettes ... Familiar Canadian ...    Break: "Hair," by The Cowsills PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Denver of the Soul; pageant town; Adrian Grenier interlude; a Sopranos Hallmark movie ... Overdetermined: Sterling pleading innocence and creepy invitation ... Homemade weed killer ... Crossover: Benoit Blanc accent; Carmy as Kyle; Bear guy hair; Hair Rescue; post-canceled James Franco twins interviewing El Chapo; Kundun! ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Salon crew yaass droids; Olivia, the murderer; Passions mom and cop-wife whining ... Dave's Anne Heche issues ... Who's the Real Villain?: Weatherman Darren; law-enforcement impunity; pageant objectification mania ... Beautiful klutz ... Title/Sequel: Lather, Rinse, Revenge; seamy split ends ... Rating: 3 ... Julie Gonzalo Appreciation Station ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE    The Leftovers: IMDB dive; 1st Assistant Director; ahhh, Tibor; SFW; Bringing Down the House ... Our screenplay goes viral! ... Walt Becker, Van Wilder, Wild Hogs and Old Dogs ... Darren's remote hit just outside ... Precinct sweet tea urn ... Sloppy Ken, forensic snacker ... Quarter zips ... Shakespeare talent show ... Pharma ad direction ... Walking my rabbit ... Rabbit dad shirt ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cut Your Hair (Karaoke Version)" by Pavement. Follow Vince on Twitter: @VinceMancini

118 - Rabbit Forensics with the Yaaas Droids

CHARLES STAR is remanded to WALKING THE DOG (2017) and arguing public-use law via:  Circuit court bingo (wait for applause) ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Free legal advice! ... Reporters who don't vote ... Best lawed plans ... Pet adoption kickbacks ... Blue-collar and moppet dogs ... Cast Rundown ... Unsolicited AARP discount ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dog fostering, condos and a nature preserve, mom's secret admirer ... Sporty-to-comfy Mom-Daughter Axis ... Christie's assistant and Peter Benson (Appreciation Station) ... The Ham Clip ...  Break: "Stand by Your Ham" by Pig Aid PART TWO   Legalismism, Crown v. Reality : America-based law; Circuit-on-Circuit action; EIGHT judges; Reddit law; statutorily frivolous lawsuit; suing democracy; "I threw the case!"; no easements; heart-encirclement; Damascene road accident; empty docket, lonely judge ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Spot the Angel: The Dogs, Gidget, meets cute ... Bonfire ... Eat Your Heart Out: Mom's Luke's diner; bear claws; one nice restaurant; champagne; ham to salmon ... Bill, the best boyfriend ... Help ME leave YOU ... Secret admirer inevitability ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Patreoning ... Overdetermined: Dog parallel relationships; Chekhov's gazebo; nature preserve and developers ... Threatening due diligence ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Crossover: Add shark; dead husband returns; Stacy's Mom ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Delia law talk; the judge; mom and daughter ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone but Bill; just be the town attorney; newspaper editor; Laura, the Mouth of Seattle ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE    Who's the Real Villain: Change, capricious Nimby/Yimbyism; the Democratic Party ... Weepy closing argument ... Title/Sequel: Raising the Pups; abysmal title, Washing the Dog ... Rating: 3 ... Law dog's law talk ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE    The Leftovers: Veterinarian Ed Helms ... M.C. Escher-ass town ... Law Shoppe, Cabot Cove ... Dementedly joyful bored dog licks ... No dogs in court ... Dead husband Face/Off ... More Reddit law ... Keith's recovered memory ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! ... All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Walking the Dog" by Rufus Thomas. Follow Charles on Twitter: @Ugarles

117 - Law Dog’s Dog Law and Bear Claw Law Pod

ANDY LEVY comes out of retirement and needs A CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS with THE CHRISTMAS COACH (2022), all that plus:  Highlights and analysis from Cousin Peter. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  The New Abnormal, an unserious podcast ... Pink Slime Concentrate Christmas ... Treacly AND bland ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Evading all tension ... Rent snowmaker, get eggnog ... Spot the Angel: A film without God; Colleen should've been dead; charity dad; Joyce, the Alfred ... Charity? Drink! ... The real Santa Claus is an aristocrat ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Eat Your Heart Out: Thermos of VX; open eggnog pushing; rock-crushing cookie foley; blueberry pancakes or RASPBERRY?; Haunting of Hill House gravel/rat plate; cabbage rolls; plain crackers, crackers with yellow; cartoon-red wine; punching whipped cream ... Resting "who tf is this face" ... Erica Deutschmann's surreally stoned choices ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas Train Appreciation Station; Patreon plug; Shoe Addict's Christmas nostalgia; Episodes 33, 44, 48, 58, 113 ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Overdetermined: What's the theme?; Christmas spirit soliloquies; everything or nothing; Christmas wish swap ... Get her dad! ... Breathe app ... Edward G. Robinson ... Crossover: Films in asylums; Joyce on Frasier; Christmas coaching Team Foxcatcher; Tyne Durden ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All characters but maybe James; Maryam; Lauren, verbal diarrhea, party in the house, and Christmas College ... Rebekah Mercer's Snow Polo for Noobs 2019 ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Who's the Real Villain: No; personal charity vs. group charity; still not a villain; Maryam's collapsing villainy; America's mental healthcare ... Not dunking on mental illness ... Title/Sequel: "Christmas Coach" is MUCH better; The Christmas Clubber; Colleen's functional alcoholic masterminding ... Rating: 1.5 ... Erica Deutschmann Exculpation Station ... These don't have to be bad but this was ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE    The Leftovers: Chad Connell in The Retreat ... IMDB Dive: Hearts of Spring ... Kymlicka on the Deutschmann account ... Too many kiss fakeouts ... Instant Bluetooth ... Shovel-handing collapse/fling ... Jeterian shortstoppage ... One hour, 30 pieces of cashmere ... Personification Hut ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne. Follow Andy on Twitter: @AndyLevy Listen to The New Abnormal here.

116 - Christmas Cocoa with Coach Cuckoo

PAT BLANCHFIELD puts the death drive on autopilot to consider (with) us THE PERFECT PAIRING (2022), plus:  It's no big deal, it's just amnesia! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Meet Pat Blanchfield! ... CGI soufflé ... Concussed? Take two Sauternes and one nap ... Pat's Brechtian cockfight Hallmark prom night ... Nordstrom piano ... There's a harp ... It's exploitably efficacious! ... Scrambled entertainment ... Cocoa in my T-bird ... Am I responding to this properly? ... Small things with big eyes ...       Break: "Amado Mio," by Pink Martini  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Deracinated! ... Plot Mop-Up: Undercover food blogger; it's just amnesia; ice wine gala ... A Homer Car plot ... Letters to Santa ... The Swagony of Defeat: Teutonic backstory, Hallmark wine club, Hollingbrook Vineyard ... Wack ice wine tradition ... 'An Ortolan Christmas' ... Wines That Rock ... Danica McKellar Air Fryer ... Hallmark Iberico ... Selling out to booze ... Journalismism: Blogger's half-mil' table; Apocalypse Now dossier; rec-room office; Sonic the Editor ...             Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Cherubic moppet; ex writing partner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dialectical tension; recipes as fixation; anti-savory bias; having cake and Lacanian impossibility too; "Thanksgiving without turkey"; Swiss Miss; wine vat ... Limiting amnesia expertise ... Female race memory ... Reunited with norms via head trauma ... Bed tantrum ... "Dessert Enthusiast" ... We're doing tropes here! ... Self-aware breakup ...  Break: "Sugar Sugar," performed by Amber Burdick PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hudson Valley to PNW; Hallmark adds a wine section; Murder, She Baked; wine competitions, upstate New York bogs ... Drew Bledsoe ... Overdetermined: CJ's stilettos; knock on head; happy accidents; mom's grapes; predetermined spontaneity; yanked by the scruff; triple ice wine! ... Overdetermined Eurostep ... Crossover: Intertext!; lousy with Proust; The Transporter chained to his vomit; Get Out-iverse peripheral family; Ghislaine; Ready or Not; America's Heads Got Trauma ...   Break: "Ring My Bell," by Anita Ward  PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: "Get What You Give"; Falcon Beach; Kevin, Stonks guy; no second chance; Diane, the Roy ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 3.5, or "Dimple Coach, I have a high motor and feel guilty from head hugs" ... Who's the Real Villain?: CJ; rage-bait media incentives; Michael and the bloodsucking media; undiagnosed heart death ... Spontaneous beverage distributor joy ... Jeb needs work ... Title/Sequel: Name implies chemistry; near title-drop; mom-killing review; trad-wife transitioner; omitted amnesia; The Latest Vintage ... Rating: 3 ... Zero chemistry, offensive politics, artlessly done, enjoyable ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: IMDB Dive: Art Hindle, Nazneen Contractor, workmanlike; the Book of Saw ... Michael closes the convertible ... Flawless eyeliner ... Inappropriate casual footwear ... Steal your bag! ... Don McBrearty, Hot Wheels and "Gay or Straight: Is There a Choice?" ... Three-rows of vineyard ... Polka, Polka, Polka! ... Oompacore ... Art Hindle jacket game ... Lenmom's Tomb or bitcoin farm? ... Sassy Squids ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Get What You Give" by New Radicals. Follow Pat on Twitter: @PatBlanchfield Pre-order Pat's book here. Take a class with Pat here!

115 - Hallmark Is the Dog Chained to Its Spontaneity

We're carbo-loading for a WEDDING EVERY WEEKEND (2020) but we're breaking down on the: The Smelts-to-Dealts Pipeline … "I'm a sourdough guy" …  THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  "Four Weddings and a [Car] Restoration" ... Pure, high-concept Hallmark ... Joel McHale + Weezer = Joel Campbell ... Recalling Episode 019 - The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Cast Rundown ... Sara Kate fan service ... Signed, Sealed, Delivered Appreciation Station ... Let Geoff Gustafson cook ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Change your businesses; classic quit ... Reverse horn ... Chekhov's rehearsal dinner ... Lost: Husband, storyteller ... Peak Hallmark Quit ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Spot the Angel: Greg and Ginny vs. It Takes a Village ... It's YOUR rehearsal dinner! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Procure some rosemary; cheers with giant buns; brunch welsher; hors d'oeuvres montage; pizza shooters, jalapeño poppers; wedding taco bar ...     Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A convergence of all weddings; the fakest Portland yet; Navy SEAL training in the PNW ... Overdetermined: Let's mess with our friends and make the scene out of the joke describing it; do or do not, there is no try; tough material; Ryan Reynolds-esque distancing ... Crossover: The Godfather wedding; physical therapists fixing cars ... Medical tape product placement ... BS knee medicine ... The Mud Bowl ... Grinding Tape: QB1 lasers a pick-6; Daniel Jones; Mike Glennon Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  The Hallmark Bechdel Test: The Summer of Brooke? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Norman Dorman Labor Bot; James, the Orthopedic Surgeon; Dr. Colin, a pineapple; time to find your ham ... Who's the Real Villain: It's not weddings ... Kiss 'Em All ... Title/Sequel: Minimum delivery; contempt title; "Next Weekend," It Follows; scrompin' every morning ... Rating: 2 ... "Perfect Day" sensory deprivation ...       Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: IMDB Dive ... Wine Clown-Sour Bro Axis ... Did we watch it? ... Post-breakup with the softest people ever ... Too bad you can't do a retro-mod on your heart ... Misunderstanding the obnoxious hipster shithead ... Active bears in the area ... Mazel tov! ... I can't believe you have other friends! ... Merry Christmas Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "A Punchup at a Wedding," by Radiohead. Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here.

114 - Four Weddings and a Sour Bro

The Daily Beast's ASAWIN SUEBSAENG joins us to observe BUTLERS IN LOVE (2022) and ask: Did you hear when the butt went "Bwaammp"? THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Violating dibs ... A Desperate Housewives thing ... Go to bed, Ryan Murphy ... Did the nerds hear about this movie?  Break: "Clue, Main Theme" by John Morris PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... Only seven years older ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's spoilers! ... Plot Mop-Up: Shrek dad, bad-boy legacy butler ... Russian or Scotsman? ... 300 years of cousin-butlering ... Trump's CHUD butler ... It's not Florida's fault! ... Willoughby Status: Avuncular ... Emma has no non-butlering enthusiasms or identity ... Instantly ditching a lifelong dream ... Zero butler guests ... Swin's REAL butler reporting ... Seven-figure butler ... Butler Double-Dare ... Quit climax, hotel edition ... Hogwarts is real, butling is real, and my friend ... From Cordon Bleu to Chipotle ... Spizzwinks? interlude ... Tufts bants ...     Break: "Beantown," by John Cena and Tha Trademarc (feat. Esoteric) PART THREE  Spot the Angel: No ... The Lisa Void ... Yacht butler ... Kundun, I liked it! ... Trump's Boy Scouts yacht orgy ... Back to Spot the Angel: Willoughby's failed potential; butling via owning; butling via kung fu ... Please make Hogwarts for Butlers wack ... No ropes or zipliness ... Eat Your Heart Out: Audible fart; super hearing, for farts; learning how to rip it; Maxwell Caulfield or Stacey Farber?; could you clean this in post?; "Moondance" and Hallmark auteurism; Beef Wellington; 70's foods; wine pairing; eat like David Roth; not understanding grilled cheese; They Came Together, but literal; audible fart reprise; eggnog does not pair with everything; progressive nog pairing; chomping vine tomatoes; we need grad school knife errors; cookies; "Fiiiiive agéd cheeses!"; today we're all wines in the box; one poisoned wine bottle; a real Big Boy moment ...          Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Recency bias; our feet in tissue boxes; butling in the manor house where every other Hallmark couple meets; You're Bacon Me Crazy (Episode 085); the Hallmark wealth pantheon in Episodes 005, 029, 057, 044, 048, 058 ... Overdetermined: Everything; bad-boy butler sticking it to dad; "I want to do what I want to do!" "Me too!"; the bizarre self-fulfillment; whiff of domestic menace; projecting the other love interest's "path" ... Crossover: Honeymoon White Lotus or Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation; plunked into Gosford Parkiverse; Butler X-Men academy; coaching Butler;      Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone; many early replicants; Henry's Russo-Scots Dad; Lisa Appreciation Station; stat-shouting butling student ... Explicitly anti-Italian podcast ... Who's the Real Villain: Emma, anti-feminist; very unfair to Emma; the concept of aristocracy; the caste/service system ... Will you help me write a business plan? ... Title/Sequel: Letdown, "Dawn of War: Butlers in Love"; not doing an incest thing; totally delivers; butlers, not in love, and in love but not butlers; "Caterers in Love"; Clerks-to-Party Down ... Rating: 3 ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: Lifetime vs. Hallmark beef ... Swin's Hallmark and Lifetime Movie Network taxonomy ... Lifetime Bolshevik ... Creator network crossover ... The opposite of Fox News is the LMN universe ... Defund the LMN police ... Mike Lindell, LMN enemy ... Jeb, My Pillow owner ... LMN and the Fox-to-Hallmark/threat-to-homestead continuum ... Malaise forever! ... IMDB Dive: Curious and Unusual Deaths ... Butler dojo ... Where are the alterations? ... Let the butling come to you ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Love Butler," by K.R.Y.T.I.C. Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here. Follow Swin on Twitter here. Jeb's Hallmark piece on Medium, and Jeb's other Hallmark piece in WaPo.

113 - Fart Butler, False Consciousness

Writer/activist MAURA QUINT returns for A KISS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2021), to learn:  Wishmaster-ass Santa Claus ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  A singular Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Welcome to Nog Chat ... The Jewish BS starts early ... Whoopie Pies, Whippy Dip ... Is nog a prank? ... Christmas is a dare festival ... More nog ... Kefir interlude ... Nog shots ... Christmas at Cartwright's (episode 004) callback ...  Break: "The Nog Song 2.0," by Grant Kirkhope  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... Joyce Holt! ... Marilu Henner's eidetic memory ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; soccer camp; baking son ... Simply having wonderful bizarrotime! ... Max Christmas trees, max decorations ... Headboard decorations, kitchen lode, trip vases ... Quinquagenarian Christmas explosion ... Replacing extras with trees ... Meeting, re: Tree Issue ... Sliding Doors meets Boss Baby, but make it Christmas ... Is this a Reverse Scrooge? ... Hallmark Jimmy Stewart ... It's a Wonderful Life: too dark for Hallmark ... Sean Doyle gives property development a bad name ... When life's better without you ... A Lexus December to Remember commercial ... Hal-9000 coffee maker ... Break: "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by Eumir Deodato PART THREE  Spot the Angel: It's sketchy train station Santa! ... He knows when you will die ... Santa's in your house ... Eat Your Heart Out: Baking squat cupcakes; dinner out with lettuce and jellied toast; crampers need bananas; tiered hot cocoa experience; gonna experiment with gingerbread; The Cupcakes Are for MY Football Team, Parts I and II; cinnamon tea or hot chocolate; celebrating our meatversary; where's my bottarga! where's my bottarga! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: An infinite Hallmark Sliding Doors; Hallmark Sliders and Quantum Leap; Wallace Shawn's not walking through that door; Pittsburgh IS Chicago; the greater Chicagoverse; Episodes 001 and 027 ... Overdetermined: The whole movie; Nice Driver's Godlike advice; "you're the dragon"; Sean Doyle's Four Thieving Values; Wicked Witch villainy; "maybe he'll realize money isn't everything" ... Crossover: Santa Ringu; Lost Highway's mystery Santa; Hallmark Men, Into the Santaverse ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Girls sharing coolant ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; the richest guy is never evil; Gus, the advice driver; all the assistants; Rona the endlessly variable ... Great Moments in a Photograph of Jets Quarterback Zach Wilson Rating: 3 ... No loose balls on the Hallmark set ... Check, check, check ... Who's the Real Villain?: Ambition; the authoritarianism of work ... Title/Sequel: title delivers; A Kiss on Christmas; Teri Hatcher's search for freedom; A Nick of Time Kiss Before Boxing Day; Hallmark's Leverage Eleven ... Rating: 4 ... "It didn't make me mad" ... The necklace is a problem ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers:  Lot Cop ... "I forgot I'M rich!" ... What happened to the other happy family? ... Did he destroy Reality 2? ... Jeff Beesley Appreciation Station ... Nog Inquisition ... It's YOUR Ferrari ... Unintelligible Ferrari Truck ... "My son the Elder" ... De-aging to Odo levels ... Buy Ethan's terrible suit! ... SEVEN suits ... Vaguely Irish Santa ... Poinsettia pronunciation ... Adults playing adults is way more tolerable ... Teri was real and spectacular ... Unintended menace ... Your new friend Buffalo Bill ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Give Love a Bad Name," by Bon Jovi. Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's wonderful book here.

112 - Sketchy Santa's Sliding Doors

ZACK HANDLEN of the AV Club (and more) joins us, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT (2021), to learn:  This is our job, and we're doing our job ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  The Irish BS starts early ... All foreign accents are the same ... Lavish Zack intro ... Defending "Pusher" ... Trusting reviewers ... Angry Walking Dead fans ... Needing an urgency vibe with nuance-disregard chaser ... Hallmark bona fides: mom vibes ... Tenzing Norgay takes you behind the process ... Aiming for fine! ... Horse Whisperer callback ... Leap Year echoes, Travel Channel vibes ... Clare Neiderpruem, bard of the natural world ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... Niall Buggy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Australians, distillery business plan, forced diffidence ... Soulful-mopey male lead vs. Good sulky ... Niall Buggy ... Clip: A great deal of adulthood ... Avoiding poor choices, but not seeking great ones ... Spot the Angel: Adalia the Inkeeper ... St. Kevin, you are such a disease ...          Break: "Sayonara," by The Pogues PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly decently normal food ... Glum Irish desserts ... Violently incompetent carrot slicing ... Kathleen Turner overdrive ... Zero whiskey face ... Fruity whiskey ... BREAD ALERT, Loaf Mode ... Scree pizza ... Remaindered Tesco pizza ... Coffee'd and carbed out the yang ... NYC eating normalcy ... Sushi of Gary ... Egyptian food truck, second encore! ... Artifacts and shawarma ... Extremely instant-ass stew ... Those have flavors, sir ...   Break: "Screamager," by Therapy?  PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Love on Iceland/Love on Ireland; just one letter, just one string; Hallmark should make more travel movies; Minting Balkan princes at industrial rates; The Tom Cruise Mummy "Dark" Universe; The Sickbed of Fitzpatrick ... Finnegan's Wake Crossover ... Overdetermined: The Claddagh ring blending of two worlds (not vasculitis); proposal "fakeout"; Grant, the Mulch Oaf; a Grinchy idea to join the matchmaking festival ... The hazed-by-locals business stratagem ... Local Hero vibes ... Writing to checklist, not to motivations ... You don't need explanations for inevitable moments ... Brennan is a bread dick ... Utensil negging ... Crossover: Midsommar ... Rethinking The Wicker Man ... No bees in the Hallmark universe ... Lacey Chabert's The Quiet Man ... The Matchmaker ... No idea how matchmaking works ... Break: "The Wild Cats of Kilkenny," by The Pogues  PART FIVE The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A well-tempered yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Professional elopers; time-wasting Hallmark boss ... Who's the Real Villain?: Sister Crispin; the progress of time; capital homogeneity (O'brien's Pub and Beef's); superpredator meet-cute ... Title/Sequel: Forgetting the title; Love of the Irish; 2Lucky; As Luck Would Have Us ... Fast ... Marriage Troubles! ... Rating: 3.5 ... Travel to another Vancouver ... Break: "Big Sad Eyes," by The Immediate PART SIX The Leftovers: A new opportunity: Ireland! ... Eternal hold music ... Problematic UK preservationism ... The world's oldest Bennigan's ... Cute sunnies ... Real pit BBQ ... The human Chamber of Commerce ... Why are strangers being nice? ... Mrs. Nick Swisher ... An exhausting character on the Giambi A's ... Hashtag hashtag hashtag ... The real Howth Castle ... Mormon influencer on a week's athletic vacation ... Otherwise nice clothes! ... The top 30 orthodontists in Ireland ... IMDB Dive: Christina Conradt and a very busy year in one teen's life ... Bildungsroman, epistolary ... Timorous partner role reversal ... Geriatric volunteer, Irish goldbrickers ... Chief Miles O'Brien's mind palace ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Sister Christian (Loop)," by Night Ranger and "It's Over, Goodbye," by The Miami Showband. Follow Zack on Twitter: @Zhandlen Check out Zack's Patreon here. Buy Zack's dang X-Files book here.

111 - Irish Loaf Mode on the Mulch Oaf

WILL LEITCH spikes this show into THE TURKEY BOWL (2019) and gets us community service watching: The Barry Switzer Showcase ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Not a baking mystery ... It's not it! ... Too many penises and butts within two minutes ... A solid forever runtime ... A tame Old School, a risqué Hallmark ... No darkness or cruelty ... Following Hallmark homecoming plot beats ... More enjoyable than Red Notice ... 1.5x speed ... PENALTY: Inaccurate movie provenance ... Hallmark's increasing indie vibes ... An existential threat to this podcast? ... Metatextually loving Oklahoma ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast rundown ... Ryan Hansen, who Will knows from Party Down ... The Expositional Challenge ... Earned attaboy ... Plot Mop-Up ... The Badger Hole ... Intrafamily political strife ... Ride Along 1 and 2 ... Harland Williams ... "Moist" ... Spot the Angel: Judge Tibbins or Mitchell's self-sacrifice ... Reverse Good Will Hunting speech ... The Cedar Rapids/winsome Sundance fare ... Eat Your Heart Out: Reinforcing the political divide; congealed sloppy joe's; hot-dog casserole ... Cigarettes and football ... Matt Jones Appreciation Station ... Mitchell ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Overdetermined: Sports movies flipping from total loserdom to total dominance in the big game; 12-6 high-five big-game analysis; the Blind Melon joy montage; the football game broke the town; "high school again" speech followed by Hallmark Quit ... You tried nothing, and nothing happened ... A life reanimated for a jealousy trope ... Crossover: Is that Barry Switzer?; can Barry Switzer commit to a dark Alzheimer's role?; the Barry Switzer filmography; Gen X return to Road Rules ... A lot of stretching ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Bechdel Test: There is no women's "moment"; biological clock; marital aid tips ... A better movie's Ashley Sinclair ... An extremely reasonable bad girlfriend ... More Hangover hangover ... Bad events without bad people ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Brandy "the class slut"; demented Barry Switzer ... Who's the Real Villain?: Forgetting where you came from and/or brand identity ... A perfect community that can implode from losing one football game ... Title/Sequel: A mostly Thanksgivingless Thanksgiving; a good touch tying it to the game; a turkeyless Turkey Bowl; these people are turkeys; you gotta do The Leftovers ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE  Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Filmed in Oklahoma ... Copyright compliant UPS ... Stolen Supreme Court justice cab ... Reasonable senator, a Good Son-style doofus ... Who leaks this story? ... House of Cards narration ... Exhausting-ass Beau Willimon ... Nickelback on 2 ... Money for Smash Mouth and Third Eye Blind ... Copyright compliant "Fields of Gold" and "Blister in the Sun" ... It's common law, and I bought my own ring, and I'm done with this conversation ... Thank you for the turkey bowl ... The secret Dave-Will feud ... Links! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "My My My My Mitchell" by Hoyt Axton. Read Will's newsletter here.

110 - Thanksgiving 2021, Part II: The Turkey Bowl

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

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It's Christmastown

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