Part 1 can be found on The A to Z of Sex.   Welcome to Sex Spoken Here. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.   Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity, deeply knowing another person.  Emotional intimacy is built by getting to know someone deeply – sharing confidences.  Physical intimacy includes many forms of sexual contact.   Joining me today is Georgia Rose, found of G’s Spot – her digital platrom that is devoted to female sexual pleasure and sensuality.  She says she has ‘launched this digital platform because it has profoundly affected me that beneath the projection of a progressive, educated and liberated society there lies the murky reality that female sexuality is still largely misunderstood, mystified and miscommunicated and I want to do something to change that.’  She has carried out her own survey on female sexual pleasure and over 500 people have completed it.  She is using her data and her platform to open up conversations about female sexuality that place the female body and experience at the core.   http://www.gs/spot.co.uk (www.gs/spot.co.uk) @georgias_spot   Thanks for joining me for the Sex Spoken Here this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.  Look out for my new radio show in January. If you enjoy the show, please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Sex Spoken Here

Part 2 on Intimacy

Please enjoy again:   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  R   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Today we will be talking about bisexuality and BDSM. Joining me is Rudo Mashongomende.  She is 33 years old, bisexual and she works in fashion. She has always been drawn to the world of BDSM but always felt, or was made to feel that it was a sordid world, so clearly she was perverted. She realises now that even as a teen she didn’t mind that, but finding like minded people, just to discuss it was the problem. She found Scarlet Ladies this year, and she was proudly part of their #italksex campaign. Turning 30 was very positive for her because she finally felt like she was in her prime, so she is allowing herself to do things she’s always been curious about. She went to her first Torture Garden last month, and she will now go to fetish events regularly, say once a every month or two. She has two subs whom she has just acquired, so she’s enjoying building dynamics with each of them. Being dominant feels so wonderfully natural, and is an effective outlet for the stresses of everyday life!   I asked Rudo to tell me about her background and culture.   Rudo is Black British and is proud of this identification.   She was raised Catholic and by choice attended church until she was 18.   I asked about her first sexual awareness and she told me that she first found she had an interest in some of the catalogue models in the men’s underwear section when she was about 11.  She spoke of noticing ‘the bulges’ and having a physical response and even cutting out one picture to keep.  She spoke about losing her virginity at 17 to a boyfriend and that this was a really positive experience.  We spoke about how lucky she was to have a positive first sexual experience and she says that she still remembers it well.    Rudo talked about being heterosexual through university.   She told me she went to school in Brighton and that she went to a few gay bars and was aware of an attraction to women but didn’t want to act on it or even fully acknowledge this.  She spoke about moving back to London and living with a partner for 5 years and during that relationship telling him that she realised she was attracted to women and wanted to have a threesome to explore this attraction.   In the end, this didn’t happen and it wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she began to explore.   Rudo talked about finding a group through Meetup and making friends with bisexual women and that meeting people to experiment with flowed from here.    From there, we spoke about her interest in BDSM.  She spoke about enjoying power exchange and enjoying being dominant.  She spoke about finding partners through the Whiplr app and we talked a bit about the use of apps to find partners.   Finally we talked about Scarlet Ladies and the #italksex campaign and 23 Paul Street.  Rudo spoke of her belief in gender equality especially when it comes to sex and desire.  She spoke of the importance of speaking out in public so that change happens.  We spoke about the joys of Scarlet Ladies and the wonders of 23 Paul Street.   You can find Rudo at: https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/ https://twitter.com/stylist_face https://instagram.com/stylist_face   http://www.23paulstreet.com/ (23 Paul Street) is the Gentleman’s Club we discussed. You can find out more about Scarlet Ladies here.   Today we spoke about the transition from heterosexuality to bisexuality, BDSM and in particular dominant women, and the importance of gender equality when it comes to sex and desire.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information,...

Reboot: Sex Love stories: R

Please enjoy again: BDSM and Power Exchange Part 4   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on. I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples.  Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.  Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires.    Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange? Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both. Pros to going to events where there are other people present: You can meet people who you might want to play with. Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands. You can meet people who you might wish to learn from. Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction.  You can enjoy watching others play. Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well. You can enjoy being watched by others. Some people get really turned on by having others watching them.  Parties are great places to indulge in exhibitionism that doesn’t put you at risk of being caught and arrested.  (Or at least drastically...

Reboot: BDSM and Power Exchange Part 4

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here: BDSM and Power Exchange   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive. I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories.  First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.    Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either.  Basic courtesy includes: Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm. No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it. Observe protocols.  Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect. Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.  This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene. Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.  Ask instead of assuming. Where to meet people online: There are lots of resources to meet people online.  Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you have joined.  You can join a group for events near your location to find out who might be close by.  You make a profile and people can search profiles in a number of ways, send emails and reach...

reboot: Sex Spoken Here: BDSM and Power Exchange Part 5

Susan Wright founded the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in 1997, and currently serves as Chairperson and Director of Incident Reporting & Response. Susan also serves on the advocacy committees for AASECT, the Kink Clinician Guidelines, the Kink Knowledgeable Program, and the Diverse Sexualities Research Education Institute. Susan has conducted six surveys on discrimination and violence against BDSM practitioners; consent practices and attitudes; and the mental and physical health of BDSM and non-monogamy practitioners that have been published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, Journal of Sexual Medicine, Journal of Behavioral Health Services & Research, International Journal of Social Psychiatry, Journal of Trauma and Dissociation and Journal of Homosexuality.   In this two part talk, we started by speaking about the reasons for founding the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the projects they have been involved in.  Susan talked about the research that NCSF has done on BDSM, relationship styles, polyamory and consent and that these have been the largest surveys done so far.  The research has demonstrated the psychological health of people involved in these alternative relationships and alternative sexual practices and was part of the evidence that caused the APA to modify the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders –V so that the vast majority of people practicing BDSM and/or polyamory no longer qualify for a diagnosis of paraphilia in relationship to their sexual and relationship choices.    We spent a lot of time talking about consent incidents and how we as a community identify these, manage these and apply sanctions.  Susan spoke about the groups that they work with.  The NCSF has developed a framework and a lot of resources for community groups and businesses around defining and dealing with consent incidents.    We spoke about the NCSF’s role in educating law enforcement, psychologists and other mental health professionals.  NCSF hosts the Kink Aware Professionals list which is an international list of  mental health professionals, medical doctors, lawyers and other professionals who are kink aware.  The NCSF regularly educates professionals about BDSM and other alternative lifestyles and sexual practices.   We spoke about how important it is for individuals to be educated about consent and that some of the research that NCSF has done has found that 75% of consent violations happen with people who are in their first 3 years of being involved with BDSM.    We spoke about how individuals and groups handle consent incidents and the differences between someone making an error and someone being a repeat offender.  We spoke about needing to get information first hand if you are to make a judgement on a situation and that one of the problems is that often people don’t have first hand information and are being asked to make a judgement.  We spoke about liability for people organising events and conferences and how important education is to limit liability and that decisions around excluding someone from an event are often taken because of liability issues.   NCSF has also educated people in the hospitality industry and made it possible for events and conferences to be held at these venues.    We finished up recognising that we had not managed to cover all the topics we set out to cover and will be doing another show on custody and divorce soon.   Susan Wright can be found at www.ncsfreedom.org Twitter @ncsf Facebook: http:www.facebook.com/NCSFreedom   This week we talked about:  Consent violations,   consent definitions, education and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF).  If any topics that we brought up caused you concern or triggered you, please write to me at drloribeth@atozofsex.com and I will help you find resources to resolve your concerns.

Sex Spoken Here Sexual Freedom

    Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.      This week I am interviewing Mason deRou.  Master Mason deRou is a primal Master who began his walk into the public kink scene in 2009.  He has dominion over Miss Kimi deRou and together they form La Maison deRou.  Mason is also the commander of La Meute de Rougaroux (the Rougarou Pack).  He is a uniform fetishist, pony trainer, erotic photographer and also loves the littles.  Mason leverages his relative y9outh to build bridges among several kinky tribes and subcultures, allowing the voices of both past and current generations of kinksters to be heard.  Mason has presented at BESS, Black Rose, CLUE, Weekend Reunion and several MaST chapters.  Mason is the president of the Master-Dominant Consortium and is one of the founding members of the Leather Houses of Color Coalition.  He is a member of MAsT DC Pan and MAsT Washington and is also an alumnus of the MTTA Academy (Master Training XX).  Mason resides in southern Maryland.       Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.

Sex Spoken Here: Mason deRou

I'm sorry for the mix up, here is Mama Vi part 1:       Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.      I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys’ of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996. Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award. In January 2012, Viola received within 8 days of the Master Steve’s Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Viola is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and hosted the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.   I started by asking Mama Vi about her fears for the future.  She began by talking from an historian’s perspective about what it means when people cannot read cursive and when books are scanned and the paper versions are being destroyed.    We spoke about the fact that recordings can be altered.  So that facts can be changed, nuance lost, meanings lost.  She points out that if a child can’t read cursive they must accept as fact what is shown to them.    We moved on to talk about the fact that often people feel desires and attractions often before they have words to explain them.  So they feel odd and outcast and strange and if you don’t have the words – and give them the words – the negative impact is incredible.  Low self-esteem, outcast, separate, others.  Mama Vi talks about being filled with the family stories as she was growing up which helped her to know who she was and because she knew who she was, she had pride and she had the foundation that has lasted until this day.    We spoke about the fact that we are not teaching our next generation who they are so they can have this foundation.  She points out that why are not giving our children the armour that they need.    There are retorts to all of the taunts (faggot, lesbian, pervert) but we are not teaching our children and so not giving them that armour and the world is getting tougher.   The passion that is the reasoning behind the library – is to give them the armour – ‘You don’t get to burn my kids history because ultimately that will mean you burn my kids.’   We ended part 1 starting to talk about sex education and the fact that in many places it has gone backwards.  Children are being taught that all they need to know is abstinence.  For part 2 of this interview, listen to the A to Z of Sex Ò B is for Book Burning. Part 3 is on Sex Spoken Here as an audio podcast only. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and...

Mama Vi part 1

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Politics trigger warning:  In this episode, we talk about politics – a lot.   I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys’ of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996. Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award. In January 2012, Viola received within 8 days of the Master Steve’s Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Viola is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and host the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.   This is part 3 and the final part of my interview.  Part one can be found on last week’s Sex Spoken Here episode – vlog on YouTube and podcast only where ever you get your podcasts.  Part 2 podcast can be found on the A to Z of Sex Ò where ever you get your podcasts or on my websites (links on the notes).   We started by talking about how the political situation has moved to where we are now.  Mama Vi points out ‘Evil manifests where good loves to hide’.  We talk about being at an event where people come to learn and that over the years they have learned to feel safe and take the safety back into the world because they have pride in who they are.  We have to stand up and be counted, be seen, do what is necessary and speak out to protect our communities, our lives, our history as if we don’t do this we won’t have a future.    We spoke about whether people can follow through.  Mama Vi said she looks at the little triumphs – like someone grabbing a transgender boy and saying, come on, I’ll take you into the bathroom. … It’s easy to give a dime to a beggar – far more difficult to help them take the steps that will help them get themselves together.’   We spoke about the fact that the more of us who are speaking our truth, the harder it is to erase us.   Viola went on to talk about Texas Bill Number 6 – which was the right to nullify any agreement between legal strangers.  This has impact because if you are not married, you are a legal stranger.  We moved on to how inaction/laziness/arrogance by not voting led to Brexit.   We finished with concerns about the future of democracy in America because of the lack of trust in the system of elections.  And this brought us full circle – with Maryland wanting to go back to paper ballot so that there is a back up check. The original source material being so important.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out...

Mama Vi 3

Master Black Zeus Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. This is part 2 of my interview with Master Black Zeus.  Part one can be found on the A to Z of Sex podcast, Z is for Black Zeus. I had the opportunity interview Master Black Zeus during Master Slave Conference 2018.  He is a community elder who entered the leather community in 1986 when he was mentored and introduced into the community by a gay leatherman who he rode motorcycles with.  Like many who engage in BDSM and/or are part of the leather community, he began his journey anonymously so as not to cause problems in his daily life.  He entered the public scene in 1997 by joining Black Rose and attending a number of classes and events.   He developed a website and began to host regular online educational events.  He is a member of MAsT Las Vegas and hosts the ISA Network video conferences.   We continued our conversation by talking about the differences between D/s and M/s relationships.   He talks about teaching power exchange (PE) versus total power exchange (TPE) and also talks about erotic power exchange which is solely for the erotic potential of the exchange.   We spoke about the models coming into BDSM, kink and leather.  We spoke about the fact that lots of things get eroticised because of the authority transfer.    So that some service activities become erotic because they are part of the service.     Master Black Zeus says that it is important to talk about more than kink when talking BDSM and that we are talking about relationship building.  He talked about the fact that there was a big thing made in his local community when they found out that he played with men.   He went on to say that being a dominant and a sadist, he can enjoy playing with people of all genders.   I point out that often times sexual orientation doesn’t enter into this because it is all about the dominance and submission, about the sadism and masochism and that means you can play with someone who is not of your usual preferred orientation or gender.   The conversation turned round to respect, relationships, consent and HIV.  We talked about sexual health and the importance of knowing about your sexual health status.  We spoke about the illusion that PREP means there is no epidemic anymore.  We spoke about all the other diseases that are around and how important regular sexual health screening is.    We finished by talking about what is important if you are going to engage in a BDSM lifestyle.   We talked about the fact that we all make mistakes and apologising and learning from mistakes is essential.  No one is perfect.    Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week  

Master Black Zeus

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex https://www.downtothere.com/circles/ (Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Sn_UhcXZm4 (TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire)   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week  

Pam Costa 3

Pam Costa 2

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex https://www.downtothere.com/circles/ (Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Sn_UhcXZm4 (TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire)   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa 1

Sex Spoken Here Is Polyamory for You   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. polyamory and non-monogamy have become incredibly trendy in the last few years.  One of the main reasons people give for non-monogamy is how hard it is for one person to meet all of your needs.     People who are monogamous and have strong friendship networks as well know this as well.  They look to their friendship networks and their families to meet needs that their partners do not meet.  However, the myth that your partner should be your everything still persists.  Many people end up in relationship therapy or ending their relationships because their partner does not meet all their needs.    The idea that I am responsible for my own needs is one that is only just really gaining popularity.  It is hard to take responsibility for your own needs.  It requires the ability to first to distinguish between needs and wants.   Then it requires the ability to acknowledge your needs and accept them.   Finally it requires the person to take responsibility for getting their needs met – with the understanding that prioritising can become very difficult when trying to balance needs.    In non-monogamous relationships, multiple partners, friends and families meet needs.  Having more people who are committed to you available to help meet your needs is a big bonus.  And it adds lots of complication as there are more people whose needs must be met and balanced, juggled and prioritised.   How do you know if polyamory is for you?   Do you love emotionally intimate relationships?  Do you find yourself falling in love with more than one person at a time?  If so, then polyamory might well be a good fit for you.    Have you had difficulty remaining faithful in monogamous relationships? This can be an indication that non-monogamy would be a better choice for you.  However, this depends on why you had difficulty remaining faithful.   Affairs are possible in polyamorous relationships.  Whenever someone is dishonest and secretive about other relationships it is a problem.  If you break the rules of your non-monogamous relationship, that is an affair.  If your difficulty in remaining faithful is because you fall in love often or feel you have more love to share, then non-monogamy may well work.  If it is because you find it hard to commit or you tend to be impulsive or you find honest communication difficult, then it is not going to work any better than non-monogamy and in fact may even be worse for you.   Do you like to share your life with more than one person?  If so, non-monogamy may well be ideal.   Are you an expert communicator (or willing to learn), happy to negotiate to get your needs met? Good communication is essential to all relationships.  Great communication is vital to polyamorous relationships.  All non-monogamy takes far more communication than monogamous relationships.  This probably seems obvious  - more people = more communication.    Metacommunication is necessary as well.  As I have said previously, metacommunication is when we talk about how we communicate and what we communicate, how often we communicate.  It creates the structure around the rest of our communication, the rules for communication.    Are you possessive? If so, polyamory may be problematic for you.  Possessiveness makes polyamory very hard.  Some people still manage to be polyamorous and possessive.  These people tend to form closed group relationships or engage in authority transfer based relationships where they are the owners and the others they are in relationship with are the property.  If you don’t gravitate towards that type of relationship dynamic and you cannot find a closed group, then possessiveness with simply get in your way.   Are you good at...

Is Poly for You

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Rewards and Punishments   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am talking about rewards and punishments.  This may seem an unusual topic for sex and relationships.  However, I was talking about authority transfer based relationships recently with a friend about rewards and punishments and when I thought more about it, the topic applies to other relationships as well.   Rewards are the things that feel good to us.  Punishments are the things that don’t feel good to us.  If you want to shape behaviour, using both can work extremely well.  One thing I have noticed working with people over the years is that often others make assumptions about what their partner or child will find rewarding or punishing.  If you get this wrong, you will not get the effect you are looking for.   Often parents send children to their room as a punishment.  However, usually, in a child’s room is all their favourite things – laptop, tablet, phone, toys, stuffed toys, etc.  So being sent to their room is actually a reward as they are being given time to go play on their own.   I advise couples to discuss what they find rewarding and punishing.  For example, one partner might find time and undivided attention to be the best way of showing them how much they are loved.  Another might want lots of presents.      I also advise couples to look at their expectations at the same time.  Making agreements about expectations, rewards and punishments can strengthen a relationship.   In authority transfer based relationships, spelling out rewards and punishments is common.  Again it is important to make sure that a punishment is truly a punishment and a reward truly a reward.   It is useful too look at what type of system works best for your person.  Some people modify behaviour best as a result of being rewarded when they do well.  Others work best when they are punished for doing wrong.    It is important to remember that we can only truly control ourselves so truly to modify someone else’s behaviour does not have guaranteed results.  It is also essential to have consent from the person whose behaviour you are seeking to modify.   If you are interested in the history of behaviour modification, have a look at Pavlov’s work and BF Skinner’s work. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week.

Rewards and Punishments

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Intro   Hi everyone.  This week begins the first Sex Spoken Here Vlog. From now on, a video will be published on YouTube here, the audio will remain available as a podcast through Apple podcast, Stitcher, Libsyn etc and published on my website.    Podcast notes will be on my website and Libsyn etc.    I will be on my own some, joined by some amazing guests and sometimes out and about. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel to keep up to date!   Thanks for listening to Sex Spoken Here and I look forward to presenting things for you to watch and seeing you soon.

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Intro

Welcome to Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey! Welcoming to my virtual therapy rooms! Talking about sexual concerns, issues and problems can be incredibly difficult. Finding accurate information in this age of information overload is a challenge. Finding a safe space to raise sexual desires, fears and worries is often almost impossible. As a sex coach and psychotherapist, I offer a safe place from which to explore. Each week I will delve into a topic from the realm of sex, intimacy and relationships. No subject is taboo! I will draw my topics from my own areas of interest, 30 years’ experience seeing clients, and topics sent in by you! I will have special guests who will discuss debate and advice on areas from first sexual experiences to all varieties of kinky sex to serial monogamy to dealing with sexually transmitted disease. I’ll answer those questions you have found it too embarrassing to ask, address the nitty gritty in down to earth language. To find out more and connect with me, head on over to my website at www.the-intimacy-coach.com.

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Sex Spoken Here

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