Sexual desire, or libidos, naturally ebb and flow. Sometimes over a course of a single day. So one of the most common challenges that couples face in relationships is a loss of desire or mismatched libidos. Often in these situations, sex begins to feel like a chore or a performance, which leads to further avoidance.   On this Sex FAQs episode, Sara and relationship coach, Valentina Tudose from Happy Ever After tackle common questions crowdsourced from listeners around the topics of desire, and how to take sex from performance to pleasure: “How can we restart our sex life after having a baby? I’m in the mood more often than my wife, but hesitant to bring it up with her as I’m afraid it will lead to conflict.” “I have a far stronger libido than my partner. When we do have sex, it tends to be the same every time, without much enthusiasm and passion. We’ve talked about it but she just doesn’t have the same interest in it that I do.” “I’ve always thought of sex as a performance and for my partner’s pleasure rather than myself. When my partner asks me what I want, I find myself not knowing what I want as well. Is there anything that can help him and us?” “I used to enjoy sex but find myself avoiding it because it feels like too much hard work and gives me very little pleasure. I focus so much on not coming too fast that it takes me ages to get there and I sometimes just give up. What can I do to learn to enjoy it again?” “I have been trying to get my wife pregnant but it seems my body disagrees. I am having trouble getting hard and when it happens, it only lasts a short time. Please help.”   Valentina and Sara talk about broadening the experience of sex beyond just orgasm, and approaching it with a sense of curiosity, fun and playfulness. Adopting a “performance mindset” around sex (i.e. reaching orgasm) usually results in unsatisfying sex, and lead to couples overlooking other ways of building physical and emotional intimacy. We also discuss strategies for couples to introduce novelty, explore each other’s bodies, and take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure.  After all, sexual desire is built on the assumption that you’re having the kind of sex that is worth craving! --- What is your intimacy language? Take the quiz Follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

Better in Bed

31. Sex FAQs - How do I Manage Mismatched Libidos?

Dirty talk usually gets a bad rep. After all, sex isn’t dirty – so why should talking about it be?   On this hilarious episode, Sara chats with her sex-positive friends Kat and James, who are never short on things to say, in the bedroom or otherwise. We talk about the many benefits of dirty talk – from building fantasy, increasing arousal, establishing consent, getting validation and connecting more deeply with one’s partner.   We explore the many different styles – from flirty, naughty, seductive to filthy and degrading – and agree its all in the delivery. We also dish the dirt on our personal best and worst sex talk experiences, which words turn us on or off, and give best practices for sexting.   Learn how to master the art of dirty talk as we come up with ideas for easy phrases for shy beginners, and other must-dos when it comes to the language of sex. --- What is your intimacy language? Take the quiz Follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

30. Getting Down with Dirty Talk & Sexting

How has the global pandemic affected your sex and love life? And how can you ‘corona-proof’ your relationship against the stress, uncertainty and conflict?   A crisis like the one we find ourselves in accelerates the dynamics of any relationship, and you may feel more intense emotions for each other or reach breaking point more quickly.   We’re all concerned about staying physically healthy during these times; but it just as important to keep your relationships safe, strong and healthy too.   Sara chats with clinical psychologist Dr. Kimberly Carder, as we discuss practical strategies and solutions to answer the following crowdsourced questions from followers:   How do I reduce anxiety for myself, and comfort and reassure my partner during this crisis? I’m around my partner all the time, and we don’t have much desire for sex right now. How can we spice things up and re-capture that sense of excitement? We’re both stuck at home at this intense time, which is driving us to nitpick and fight with each other over lots of small things that wouldn’t normally bother us. What can we do? My partner and I are stuck in different cities, and I’m feeling lonely and bored now that we’re separated. What can we do to feel more connected? My partner thinks I am over reacting and minimizes my fear of the coronavirus, how can I get them to take it more seriously? Is it even safe to have sex these days?   Kim and Sara talk about why the power of “teamwork” is more essential than ever during these times, and the need for the 4Cs – creativity, communication, connection and commitment – to strengthen any relationship, and keep things hot and sexy! ---- Want more tips on corona-proofing your sex and love life? Get Sara’s online training Follow us on Instagram Follow Dr Kimberley Carder on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

29. Sex FAQs - How do I Corona-Proof My Sex And Love Life?

What were you taught in sex-ed, and what do you wish you had learned? Often there’s a big difference between the two!   Sara and guests Jules Hannaford, teacher and host of the Hong Kong Confidential podcast and comedian Elena Gabrielle of Story Party, talk about the sex education we received, which was shrouded in fear, abstinence and shame.   We share our early sexual experiences, and reflect on what we wished we’d known about STI’s, consent and responsibility at that time.   We also talk about how we learned about sex and intercourse from a biological standpoint, but there never seemed to be enough focus on the social and practical aspects of sexual relationships.   Jules gives some guidance for parents on how to speak to their children about sex from a young age and encourage a healthy sexuality. We conclude that sex education shouldn’t just start and end in school, it can be an ongoing journey of learning for adults too. --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz Follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

28. Everything I wished I learned in Sex-Ed

Is your perception of BDSM and kink informed by the infamous Fifty Shades of Gray?   Even though the Fifty Shades franchise does a lot to bring BDSM to the mainstream, it also get a lot of things wrong. Particularly one of BDSM’s key principles, negotiating consent.   Sara and co-host Kat sit down with Jannus of KinkBites — a veteran kinkster, community organizer, and Hong Kong dungeon manager — to lament the Fifty Shades effect, and the myths and misconceptions around BDSM that it perpetuates.   We talk about how the “church of kink” is full of variety (and not all about pain) and how kinky people come from all walks of life. Jannus’s shares his own personal introduction to kink – when his desire to learn how to do better drag resulted in a fateful encounter with Mistress Decima, Hong Kong’s “Godmother of Kink”.   Jannus provides recommendations to beginners and newbies who want to get started with BDSM. He sheds light on common BDSM terminology, what toys one can start with, dating as a kinky person and how to introduce a vanilla partner to your kinks. All in a fun, non-threatening, consensual manner.  --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz For more sex-positive resources, visit Sarasense Or follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

27. BDSM for Beginners

Do people with disabilities have a right to be sexual? And what can they teach able-bodied people about intimacy and sexuality?    On this episode, Sara and co-host Kat talk to Carmen Yau, a registered social worker with a PhD from Hong Kong Polytechnic University and founder of erotica collection, “Sugar’s XXX Stories”.   Having been born with spinal muscular atrophy, Carmen is an iconic spokesperson for the sexual equality of people with disabilities and women. She is very vocal about breaking the taboo of people with disabilities often being considered asexual, as well as debunking other myths.   Armed with her own personal experiences living in a traditional Asian culture which focuses on “infantilising” people with disabilities as a form of protection, she shares how she was able to explore her sexuality, in spite of her physical limitations.   In particular, she talks about the creativity that people with disabilities use in terms of coming up with unique sex toys, sex positions, and even how their bodies can sometimes develop heightened senses that can lead to “abstract orgasms”   This episode will challenge your idea of what is considered “normal” in sex and sexuality. Listen in as Carmen shares an empowering message for everyone, whether disabled or able-bodied -about loving one’s body and valuing oneself. She believes that how you perceive yourself impacts how you conduct yourself with others, and how fruitful your life will be.   --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz Follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

26. Sex and Disability - Breaking the Taboo

How do we keep that initial passion for sex and intimacy alive for the long-haul?   Highly sought after sexual/marital psychotherapist and founder of The Academy of Lasting Love, Nikki Green shares some illuminating lessons with Sara and co-host Kat from over 20 years of experience primarily working with women in Hong Kong.   She believes that great sex can definitely survive over the long-haul however it’s a myth that it will just happen spontaneously and naturally. Sex is usually full of passion early on in the relationship, but the reality is that this addictive “dopamine high” gradually drops as time passes, and extra effort is required if a couple wants to maintain a healthy sex life.   Nikki emphasizes being deliberate around keeping that spark alive throughout your relationship, regardless of desire. In her view, relying on desire alone isn’t enough to keep a relationship consistently juicy as desire goes up or down at any time.   Instead, making sex in a relationship last is about a commitment to connection, adventure, intimacy and requires a whole different mindset. A big part of which includes scheduling and showing up fully. Listen in as Nikki lays out a roadmap to make this a reality in any relationship!   Download Nikki’s free Spice of Love mini-course – Conversations for Deeper and more Fulfilling Intimacy, which includes questions you can ask each other to immediately improve intimacy and erotic satisfaction.  --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz Follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

25. Making Sex and Love Last

Ever felt self-conscious about your body during sex? Studies show that shame and anxiety about one's body lead to the avoidance of physical intimacy and reduced sexual satisfaction.   On this episode, Sara and co-host Kat follow Curvasian.com founder and body positive advocate Bertha Chan through her journey that led her to thrive as a plus-size woman in Asia.   Having never been able to find a dress to fit into growing up—not to mention having to endure judgement from those who were dear to her—a fateful encounter with a plus size and body positivity community on Instagram inspired Bertha to take an active role in empowering millions of women just like her around the world.   Bertha touches on why its so important that body positivity starts with self acceptance, and not relying on other people to validate you.   She also shares some of her strategies around becoming more body confident in the bedroom, including how to have an open conversation with one’s partner and also how she asks her partner to shower love on the specific body parts she feels insecure about during sex.   This is a brave, vulnerable conversation about resisting the challenges and pressures that society places upon us to look a certain way or fit a certain mould. Regardless of what size or shape you are, we learn what can be done to cultivate a stronger sense of body positivity as a practice in our day-to-day lives, and of course, our sex life! --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz Follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

24 Bold & Body Positive in the Bedroom

We all love orgasms because they feel good, but are we actually using them to their full potential?   Life and business coach Ying Han Cheng or “Hani” from YOLO Abundance believes that we can harness powerful orgasmic energy to create abundance and success in the rest of our lives – including our careers, business and personal lives.    On this episode, Hani shares the philosophy behind the YUMMY orgasm, a unique practice brought about by orgasmic meditation, which combines mindfulness and orgasm.  The goal of this practice is not orgasm per se, but rather tapping into our transformative life force, and expanding our experience of pleasure, fulfillment and vitality.   Things start getting considerably juicier as Sara and co-host Kat then demonstrate a 5 minute orgasmic meditation on-air together with Hani, who breaks it down step-by-step.    Want to learn more about transforming your life with YUMMY orgasms? Hani has created a free mini-course especially for Better in Bed listeners with practical secrets and strategies on how to get started.   --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz. Follow us on Instagram. Detailed show notes for this episode here. P.S. if you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)  

23 Transform your life with YUMMY Orgasmic Meditation

How has technology changed the world of dating and finding love?   In some ways, the Internet has made it easier to meet and connect with people outside our immediate social circle. Yet it’s also exploded our options, and the choices can be paralysing. So finding love could be more challenging.   Sara and co-host Prescott (http://prescottgaylord.com), discuss the impact that online dating has had on our psyches, and whether we still believe in romance.   Or if ghosting and unsolicited dick pics have gotten in the way.   We are also joined by Lauryn Huang, the ex-CEO of Grouvly, a dating and matchmaking agency based in Singapore.   As a trained matchmaker, Lauryn is a staunch believer in love and wants to help people find real connection. Often she helps clients who have become jaded with swiping, online dating and want a more personal touch.   In addition to finding her clients tailored matches, she also coaches them on how to become the most fulfilled and attractive people they can be.   She talks Sara and Prescott through setting up a matchmaking profile, and reveals the mojo behind her matchmaking methodology… to hilarious results! --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz.  Follow us on Instagram.  Detailed show notes for this episode.

22 Finding Love in a Digital Age

We all know that wellness is important, but how about sexual wellness?   Sara and co-host Ben are recording from London this episode, and they talk to Billie Quinlan and Anna Hushlak, the creators of Ferly (formerly called Leika at time of recording), an app that guides women through various areas of sexual wellness, aiming to transform their relationship to sex.   Billie and Anna introduce the concept of sexual wellness, which is not merely the freedom from sexual dysfunction, but also the ability to experience sexual pleasure.We discuss why people sometimes don’t equate sex with wellness and as such, tend to overlook it.   Billie and Anna deliver an empowering message – equating sexual wellness with self-respect and self-love, and defining the impact that it has on a woman's entire life, not just in the bedroom. --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz:   Follow us on Instagram. Show notes for this episode here. 

21 Owning your Sexual Wellness

Want more “Secrets of the Bedroom”? Cumming right up!    **This sequel episode covers all the material that we’d crowdsourced for the live show but didn’t end up being featured due to time - and public decency - constraints. We recommend that you listen to episode 19 before this episode to get the full Secrets experience.**    Jye and Sara are joined by Kat Leung, our live show panelist as we reflect on the highlights of the live show, as well as the entire Better in Bed season.    We share more bedroom secrets to answer your burning questions - getting in the mood, sex positions, trying new things in the bedroom and more.     We also respond to awkward sex stories and tackle some of the sillier entries that might get you blushing. Hint: anal sex features prominently!  ---- Want to get even Better in Bed? Download the audio guide. Follow us on Instagram. Detailed show notes for this episode here. Produced by Jye Smith (@jyesmith, jye@doublestar.co)  

20 Secrets of the Bedroom Sequel (Season 1 Finale)

What's the secret to.... having a threesome? Having anal sex pleasurably? Using a strap-on? Or keeping sex fresh in a long-term relationship?    Everything is on the table at our live podcast, which was recorded on International Women's Day, and featured a panel of our favourite podcast guests and sex experts answering burning questions crowdsourced from our audience, i.e. you!   We laughed (and maybe died a little inside) over the awkward sex stories that were shared and some of the things you wished more of your partners knew in the bedroom.    This episode celebrated a significant milestone for our podcast, and we are grateful to everyone who contributed in helping us make sex something we all want to talk about!    --- Want to get even Better in Bed? Download the audio guide. Follow us on Instagram. Detailed show notes for this episode here.  Produced by Jye Smith (@jyesmith, jye@doublestar.co)   

19. Secrets of the Bedroom (live)

Is porn harmful or beneficial?    With 30million people watching it every second and the average age of exposure being 11 years, porn in today's world has become a pervasive force we can't ignore.    On this episode, Sara and Jye are joined by sex-positive friends Taura Edgar and Ross Gawelek to discuss all things porn. We discuss our personal experiences of porn, from how we discovered it to how its evolved, and the resulting impact on our watching habits.    By sharing the different types of porn we're drawn to - from Bang Brothers to DIY to the ethical variety - we discover the world of porn represents a diversity of our sexual experiences and desires, which we don't have to be ashamed of.    We openly explore the pros and cons of porn, and are reminded that we can afford to be more mindful about what we watch and how we watch it.     --- Want to get even Better in Bed? Download the audio guide. Follow us on Instagram. Detailed show notes for this episode here.  Produced by Jye Smith (@jyesmith, jye@doublestar.co)   

18 Make love not porn

Think swinging is just for leathery, old couples swishing around keys in a bowl? Think again.    Or maybe swing again... and from that chandelier in the sex club!    On this episode, Sara and Jye explore another form of open relationship with married couple, Ben and Fern Bale, who open up about how swinging keeps their relationship fresh and exciting.    They also explain basic swinger terminology ("soft swap, anyone?") and protocol, debunk common swinger myths and as well as give newbies tips on out how to negotiate the highs and lows of swinging.   By being so open with each other and their loved ones about the nature of their relationship, Fern ended up getting her Dad interested in participating in the swinging scene himself!    --- Want to get even Better in Bed? Download the audio guide.  Follow us on Instagram. Detailed show notes for this episode here. Produced by Jye Smith (@jyesmith, jye@doublestar.co)   

17 Opening up to open relationships Pt. 2 (Swinging)

An Asia-based sex and sexuality podcast. Sex coach and educator Sara Tang hosts frank, informative and lighthearted conversations with her guests to tackle taboos around sex and inspire us all to get Better in Bed.

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Better in Bed

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